One decision made, still thinking about the other .

I have finally made the choice regarding if i should see dipsticks mother and sister.

I’m going to do it!

I’m still thinking about if i should give them my address or not?!

I feel calm today – not sunny beach calm but eyes of the storm calm.

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

I’ve developed a method that when ever i start to think about –

him, her, them, my shared past, my pain, the night he would tell me ‘stuff about them’,

I think about a metal vault door slamming shut.

I cant let myself do it anymore.

The issue is it leaves me numb.

I feel dead inside.

I feel like there’s a caged tiger inside me.

When this first happened everyone asked why i was not angry, people i spoke to that had been through the same thing then said i would get angry.

I didn’t get angry, but now i feel odd.

I don’t FEEL angry but i feel like i’m full of anger.

I feel like a caged tiger lives in me.

I feel like the caged tiger is angry, hungry, crazed, bored, hurt, possessed, on edge and damaged.

I feel like shes got bits missing.

She just wants to run and run and run.

She wants to rip and claw and bite and pull things to shreds with her claws.

She wants to roar till her throat burns and her whole world is silent.

Silent and every other being has stopped and is still.

She wants peace.

She wants not to be caged.

She wants to run.

She wants to free.

Sometimes she wants to be alone and sometimes she wants to be with others.

She wants not to hurt.

She wants peace.

Shes looking for the bits that are missing from her, she knows somethings missing.

She doesn’t know what and she doesn’t know where to find them.

She is so hurt.

 

I can sense her anger but i don’t seem to FEEL it.

I sense her pain and i just want her to feel better.

I sense her unease and just want to calm her.

 

I feel numb.

 

Just a bit of advice – don’t fall in love when your 12!!

Today’s a day off work so I have had lots of time on my hands.

I’ve been doing 24 hours of thinking and a tiny bit of drinking.

I had a conversation with a friend last night.

She went through a divorce 2 years ago.

She is now looking at starting a new relationship.

2 YEARS…..

Am I going to be alone for 2 years.

I don’t want to be alone for 2 years.

I feel like I have wasted so much time already.

What if I’m alone for years??

This has lead me to think about 2 things.

Love and mistakes.

I’m worried that no one will love me again.

I don’t want the same thing to happen again.

I won’t survive it again.

I’m not convinced I’ll survive this.

So what did I do wrong?

I thought about this for the last 24 hours, I haven’t slept.

I’ve been reading a blog called His Giant Mistake.

I’ve started at the beginning so I don’t know how it ends yet. There is an amazing entry called ‘dating your divorced self’.

Read it if you get the chance.

It helped me a little.

My mistakes –

I accepted too much

I should have told him I wanted more affection.

I became a little quite and sad.

Maybe even a little resentful.

I wanted him to love me as much as I loved him, I think I knew in my heart he didn’t.

He told me he didn’t believe in unconditional love.

I loved him too much.

I loved him with everything I was.

I fell in love when I was 12.

Maybe love like that is never meant to last into adulthood.

I loved him unconditionally.

I loved him so much that I lost sight of myself!!

Is that what love is? And that’s not a rhetorical question. I want to know!!

I never questioned that all of our money went on his hobbies.

I never questioned when he went out with IT for ‘photography lessons’ (that turned out to be code for fucking in car parks).

I never asked for anything for myself.

All I wanted was for him to be happy.

I gave 100% of my life to him.

I was 100% loyal and faithful to him.

I have bee an utter love blind dick.

I became boring because I became a void, something that became 100% about him.

I gave and gave and gave ad asked for nothing but unconditional love – the one thing he couldn’t give me.

I loved him wrong.

I really believe this now.

I loved him too much – if that’s possible.

I loved him like a child.

Selfless – asking for nothing.

I see it as a child running down a grassy hill.

A child runs as fast as they can.

All arms and legs flailing.

No care about getting hurt, they are nt looking for danger.

Just caught up in the giggle and fun.

Just running because its what come naturally.

An adult runs down a hill with care.

They know the pain of falling, they want to avoid it.

They look for obstacles in their way, checking they aren’t going to trip and fall.

I don’t think I will ever love like this again. I don’t think it’s right anyway, so so much pain – how can that be right?

It scares me though, what if nothing compares to the good times?

One thing I do know – I’m going to be asking for more!!

Lost

I feel utterly lost

When he left me said he wanted to take nothing with him except his clothes.

This has now changed he’s now told me he wants

Sofa

Our bed – our fucking bed! She wants to sleep in our bed

He wants the fridge freezer

The TV, DVD, surround sound, play station,

Bedside tables

Lamps

Washing machine

Dishwasher

I don’t really care about any of it.

I just want him back

I’m so lost

I don’t understand why this is happening.

Shouldn’t be drinking!!

I’m pissed

I shouldn’t be drinking with these tablets. I only had 3.

I miss him

I hurt

I don’t understand what I did wrong

I’d trade my soul for him right now

I miss him

I don’t know how much longer I can take this pain

I hurt, every piece of me hurts.

What did I do wrong

I want him

I feel like screaming

He’s with her now

I feel like he’s taken a piece of me with him

I don’t feel whole anymore

I hurt

It hurts so much

I can’t take much more

Why doesn’t he want me

I’m still scared he will turn up with her and try to move her in

I’ve run our of drink

I could do with another

I can’t do this

I think I’m broken

Why cant i stop the tears?

Today i woke after dreaming of him.

It started as a lovely dream – he told me he loved me – then she walked in the room – he started telling me i was fat, ugly and that he hated me (all things he was told me during this horrific time)

I wake up and I’m crying

I cry from 7.30 am till 11.30 am – i cry in the shower, i cry on the bathroom floor, i cry on the kitchen floor.

I cant stop it, Why cant i stop it??????????

Everything hurts – when i heard of heart break before this i always thought it was emotional pain – i never knew that was an actual physical ache.

There’s an actual ache in my chest.

I don’t see how i can keep doing this.

For the rest of the day i’m surrounded by fog.

This is HELL

The first night i spent alone (lasted 5 hours)

A friends had come for have dinner with me so i wasn’t alone when he came and got his things.

He comes in –

 

I’m only going to be able to take what will fit in the car for now

OK 

I’ll be coming back to shower and eat most days so ill keep the key

OK

Is there any dinner?

Yer there’s extra pasta

Cool, is there enough for me to take in a pot for lunch tomorrow too?

Yer ill put it in Tupperware for you.. oh i baked you some flapjack too.

(yes people that’s right, i baked flapjacks from scratch so the man i had loved for the last 9 years could be full of energy to go shag someone else)

Thanks love. 

 

He sits and eats with me and my friend

We start talking about other things – the weather, the news – this is f**ked up.

My friends phone rings – there’s something up at home – she has to go – shes very very sorry.

So we are left alone.

He potters around the flat picking up the bits he needs.

He calls me to the front door – hes bits are ready, hes going.

I feel numb.

He turns back

 

Sorry i forgot my pillow

You cant have it

Sorry?

You cant take it

Its mine

I paid for it

Mandy its my pillow!

I don’t care

(I paid £70 for it but that’s not why i wants it. i don’t really know why, i have however drenched it in his aftershave)

I need it for my neck.

 

I don’t know why his need for the pillow sets me off but it does. i start crying, sobbing really. Hes crying then too, We both say things. He cant be unhappy so i can be happy. Things like this – we go on for about a hour.

In the end he gets up and leaves , hes late to meet her.

I lay on my bedroom floor and howl – its dramatic but true. I stop after a while, i manage to make it to the bed. I get undressed and lay on top on the duvet but on my side of the bed. I cant get in it for some reason i don’t know why. I cover myself with a blanket. I lay in the dark. I try to read, i cant. I try to sleep, i cant. I just lay and stare at the ceiling.

5 Hours later…………..

My mind is drifting

I keep thinking i can hear him.

I wish he would come back to me and tell me it was all a dream, that we loves me and wont ever leave me again.

I hear his key in the door.

I’m going mad

Only i’m not and hes here.

 

I was worried that you would do something stupid so i came back to check on you.

 

I’m broken, i sob – i wanted him and hes here and he doesn’t love me and hes not staying.

 

Oh love please stop that. Come here, let me tuck you in, why are you under that blanket, get under the duvet.

 

He tucks me in, its like i’m a child.

In the back of my mind i’m having issues relating this man to the monster that has been giving me sexual tips, comparing my performance to this girl.

He is so tender, as i lay there and cry. He gets me 2 teddies that live in the spare room. He tucks them in with me and sits on the edge of the bed. I’m sobbing now because i feel this is him letting go – there no bravado, hes so tender – hes killing me with it.  He strokes my hair. I realize i wish i could die right now, with him stroking my hair and me looking in to his eyes. If the world stopped right now i would be OK with that.

He gets up

I cant breath he is going to leave

He stands there and looks at me

 

I’m going to stay tonight OK? But i’m going to leave in the morning and i wont stay again.

 

I just nod. He gets under the duvet and hugs me.

I feel his breathing level out after a while and i feel him drift off.

A very dark part of me considers getting up and taking an overdose so i can end my life curled up with him. I can end just like this, his arm is wrapped around me i’m scared to move in case he wakes up. I never want this night to end. I don’t do the overdose thing but i don’t sleep – not a single wink – i take this night in – i remember every sigh, every stretch, every breath.

He wakes in the morning – he gets dressed, he sits on my side of the bed. He tucks me in again with the 2 teddies. He strokes my hair, he hugs me. He tells me to sleep if i can. He tells me to take care. He’ll see me when he comes back to shower and eat.

He gone.

He’s going to leave.

He is going to leave to stay on a friends sofa.

She still lives with her parents so he cant go there.

He will stay there until they find a place together.

I want to die – i cant do this.

I love him so so much.

Hes leaving me.

 

I gave him everything – my first and only love, my first and only lover, my life, my soul.

 

I have nothing – i hate myself.

I’m empty – I’m a shell.

I have no future.

 

BBQ, sex and underwear.

The next 3 days are very very foggy.

Remembering these days is very hurtful.

He is still sleeping in our bed (each night he asks me if i want him to sleep on the sofa, i always say no) but is now openly seeing her.

My manager has let my close workmates know.

I’ve been signed off work for another 2 weeks.

Doctor has upped my meds.

The first night he gets home at 11pm – he tells me all about the BBQ *** has thrown so he can finally meet all her family. He tells me he enjoys this, her sister is pretty cool and he likes her boyfriend (I had been told her sister was bordering on death – hence all the previous contact). He does not seem to care how hearing this hurts me.

The night after he comes in at 3am. He tells me how he got a BJ in the car and how she wears sexy underwear for him. He always wanted me to wear those but felt at my size (uk 12) I was too fat. He gets straight into bed and sleeps. I silently cry myself to sleep.

The night after he comes home at 4am. He tells me how they had sex in car. I then get tips off how I can improve my sexual performance and how I can improve my BJs, how if i lost some weight someone will want me eventually. I’m stunned. I can’t breath. I can’t move. I cry. He gets mad. He calls me weak – he thinks I should pack a bag and just go straight home to my parents.

I curl up in a ball on my side of the bed.

I’ve perfected the silent cry now but he feels me shaking as I do this. He tells me if I don’t stop he’s leaving now. So I buried it again.

I lay there awake looking at his face

I wished I hated him
I wish I had never met him
I don’t want him to leave me
I feel utterly broken

Game over – i decided to check out.

First of all this post is incredibly difficult to write. My family know i’m writing this blog but they have no idea of my intentions this day and do not have access to read it.

Its Tuesday the 23rd of April 2013 

I am meant to be on the late shift so he gets up and will be leaving before me.

You going to go in today?

I’m going to try.

You should go in.

I know.

You want some breakfast?

I still cant keep anything down.

Oh OK.

He eats then leaves. 

I cant really explain what happens next, a lot of things happen that i’m not really even consciously aware of. Looking back i think that i knew, i think i knew everything. I must have been aware that there was no saving this on some level. Although the conversations i was having with my parents consist of me telling them we are going to work things out. I think somewhere in the darkest corners of my mind i knew this was game over for us. 

I say that because its the only thing that explains what i did next.

I didn’t go into work, i sat on my sofa and looked out of my window at the river. 

After sometime i got up, i put some socks and shoes on and put my rain coat on (the sun was very bright that day – why the rain coat i have no idea).

Large heavy trucks run on a length of road behind my home. They drive quick down the little rat run and probably pass at a rate of 2 an hour.

I take a pad and pen and i write him a note – i say i’m not strong enough for this, that i love him and that i want him to have a good life. 

I leave the house that we only moved into 8 months ago and decide i am going to throw myself under the next truck that comes down my road.

I’m not in tears, i’m not hyperventilating, i’m empty and i’m so sad and I’m done.

 I’m standing at the edge of the road and i’m waiting.

Looking back its almost like i was having an out of body experience.

As i’m waiting for my truck to race down the road my phone rings.

Its mum.

Mandy are you OK?

…..yer mum……

We are worried.

At this point i breakdown i cry and sob.

Where are you?

Out.

Walk to your doctors.

I’m not registered at one.

(You have got to love the autopilot)

Just walk into one and ask to speak to a doctor.

The next thing i remember is being called into speak to a doctor (there is a medical center near my home).

The doctor says sorry for the hour wait – they had to find my medical records at my old doctors across town she tells me.

(This women is a live saver – i still see her now)

I wont go into exactly what happens in there but she contacts someone to give me the help i needed and starts me on some things to stabilize me.

I have no idea if mum realizes she saved my life that day. If i hadn’t got that call i have no idea if i would be here now.

The doctor signs me off for a week and sends me home. She has told me i have to call my manager and explain.

I do this – She is amazing – She tells me not a single person at work will now and she will meet me  the next day and collect my sick note and check in with me.

When he finds out that i have been signed off work he gets angry, like i’m doing this to make him feel bad.

I remember that night he tells me *** is so stressed she wasn’t able to come in to work today. 

Ah the poor thing – she must be having such a rough time!!!!

Pretending to be normal – and totally failing

We woke up the next morning and got ready for work, he was dropping me off then drove on to his work.

We didn’t really speak – Im still like a rabbit in the head lights – numb,scared,shocked and broken.

I get out the car and tell him I love him, I can’t remember if he tells me the same.

I have to walk a little way to work.

I stop by the river, I take out me phone and dial my parents number – I know dad is home on Monday mornings.

Mum picks up.

Mum….

What’s wrong?!

Is dad there with you?

Yer he is.

Can you go into the bedroom and put me on speaker phone.

Autopilot has made me aware that my little brothers and sisters will be getting ready for school and I don’t want them to hear this.

What’s wrong Mandy?!

I….. I……

That’s all I get out. I break down totally in public. I can here mum running down the stairs calling my dads name. She sounds scared. Not knowing how to really work her phone she has to ask my little sister to put me on speaker phone.

Mandy, what’s wrong.

I don’t really remember much else about the conversation with them except for the fact I can’t bring myself to tell them about the phone call. I mention a friendship that he has developed but say nothing else about that side of it.

I say he is unhappy. I tell them I’m not strong enough to deal with this. I ask them if I can move into their dinning room (Mum and dad have always made it clear there is always a home for you – they have converted their dining room into a spare bedroom a few times over the years).

I realise looking back over this conversation I am in total and utter denial.

One thing I do remember is repeating something I still struggle with now.

I have no roots
I have no roots

After moving away from all my friends and family 7 years ago to be in the part of the country he wanted I lost all my old friends. With the level of financial and emotional constraint that was exercised over me during the relationship I had not made any close friends since moving either.

I felt rootless.

I can’t remember how the conversation ended. The next thing I remember is being at work having a weigh in (sponsored slim-athon for charity that had been arranged the month before).

I remember feeling like I was looking at everyone through fog.

People kept telling me i looked ill.

I lasted 10 minutes then vomited all over the ladies room floor.

I leave work telling them I have a virus.

I go home – I call him on the way – he is mad at me for not dealing with this better.

I don’t remember anything else after the phone call to him.

(Thanks to my mum and dad for helping me remember the order of the day)