Game over – i decided to check out.

First of all this post is incredibly difficult to write. My family know i’m writing this blog but they have no idea of my intentions this day and do not have access to read it.

Its Tuesday the 23rd of April 2013 

I am meant to be on the late shift so he gets up and will be leaving before me.

You going to go in today?

I’m going to try.

You should go in.

I know.

You want some breakfast?

I still cant keep anything down.

Oh OK.

He eats then leaves. 

I cant really explain what happens next, a lot of things happen that i’m not really even consciously aware of. Looking back i think that i knew, i think i knew everything. I must have been aware that there was no saving this on some level. Although the conversations i was having with my parents consist of me telling them we are going to work things out. I think somewhere in the darkest corners of my mind i knew this was game over for us. 

I say that because its the only thing that explains what i did next.

I didn’t go into work, i sat on my sofa and looked out of my window at the river. 

After sometime i got up, i put some socks and shoes on and put my rain coat on (the sun was very bright that day – why the rain coat i have no idea).

Large heavy trucks run on a length of road behind my home. They drive quick down the little rat run and probably pass at a rate of 2 an hour.

I take a pad and pen and i write him a note – i say i’m not strong enough for this, that i love him and that i want him to have a good life. 

I leave the house that we only moved into 8 months ago and decide i am going to throw myself under the next truck that comes down my road.

I’m not in tears, i’m not hyperventilating, i’m empty and i’m so sad and I’m done.

 I’m standing at the edge of the road and i’m waiting.

Looking back its almost like i was having an out of body experience.

As i’m waiting for my truck to race down the road my phone rings.

Its mum.

Mandy are you OK?

…..yer mum……

We are worried.

At this point i breakdown i cry and sob.

Where are you?

Out.

Walk to your doctors.

I’m not registered at one.

(You have got to love the autopilot)

Just walk into one and ask to speak to a doctor.

The next thing i remember is being called into speak to a doctor (there is a medical center near my home).

The doctor says sorry for the hour wait – they had to find my medical records at my old doctors across town she tells me.

(This women is a live saver – i still see her now)

I wont go into exactly what happens in there but she contacts someone to give me the help i needed and starts me on some things to stabilize me.

I have no idea if mum realizes she saved my life that day. If i hadn’t got that call i have no idea if i would be here now.

The doctor signs me off for a week and sends me home. She has told me i have to call my manager and explain.

I do this – She is amazing – She tells me not a single person at work will now and she will meet me  the next day and collect my sick note and check in with me.

When he finds out that i have been signed off work he gets angry, like i’m doing this to make him feel bad.

I remember that night he tells me *** is so stressed she wasn’t able to come in to work today. 

Ah the poor thing – she must be having such a rough time!!!!

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Pretending to be normal – and totally failing

We woke up the next morning and got ready for work, he was dropping me off then drove on to his work.

We didn’t really speak – Im still like a rabbit in the head lights – numb,scared,shocked and broken.

I get out the car and tell him I love him, I can’t remember if he tells me the same.

I have to walk a little way to work.

I stop by the river, I take out me phone and dial my parents number – I know dad is home on Monday mornings.

Mum picks up.

Mum….

What’s wrong?!

Is dad there with you?

Yer he is.

Can you go into the bedroom and put me on speaker phone.

Autopilot has made me aware that my little brothers and sisters will be getting ready for school and I don’t want them to hear this.

What’s wrong Mandy?!

I….. I……

That’s all I get out. I break down totally in public. I can here mum running down the stairs calling my dads name. She sounds scared. Not knowing how to really work her phone she has to ask my little sister to put me on speaker phone.

Mandy, what’s wrong.

I don’t really remember much else about the conversation with them except for the fact I can’t bring myself to tell them about the phone call. I mention a friendship that he has developed but say nothing else about that side of it.

I say he is unhappy. I tell them I’m not strong enough to deal with this. I ask them if I can move into their dinning room (Mum and dad have always made it clear there is always a home for you – they have converted their dining room into a spare bedroom a few times over the years).

I realise looking back over this conversation I am in total and utter denial.

One thing I do remember is repeating something I still struggle with now.

I have no roots
I have no roots

After moving away from all my friends and family 7 years ago to be in the part of the country he wanted I lost all my old friends. With the level of financial and emotional constraint that was exercised over me during the relationship I had not made any close friends since moving either.

I felt rootless.

I can’t remember how the conversation ended. The next thing I remember is being at work having a weigh in (sponsored slim-athon for charity that had been arranged the month before).

I remember feeling like I was looking at everyone through fog.

People kept telling me i looked ill.

I lasted 10 minutes then vomited all over the ladies room floor.

I leave work telling them I have a virus.

I go home – I call him on the way – he is mad at me for not dealing with this better.

I don’t remember anything else after the phone call to him.

(Thanks to my mum and dad for helping me remember the order of the day)

The morning after the night before.

I woke before sunrise, i think i only got a few hours sleep. My addled mind catches on to the fact its Sunday.

 Something i’ll soon get use to is having to search my mind first thing in the morning to work out a few vital facts. What days is it? Should i be somewhere? Do i have work? This however is the first day its happened. Considering i’m on auto pilot it hasn’t really registered yet that this does not normally happen.

Normally on a Sunday i would get up first and clean the kitchen and make breakfast while he sleeps in. Today i don’t do this, Today i wake at sunrise and sit up, i then sit for the next 4 hours and watch him sleep. I take in every contour of his face. I’m scared to breath in case i wake him, i sit so so still. 

He wakes and just looks at me – doesn’t say anything. 

Things blur here – good old autopilot kicks in and the next thing i remember is him suggesting we go for a walk. 

We do, we go to the beach, he finds me  a shell. i kiss him, i tell him i love him.

Looking back here i can tell there’s nothing in his kiss, hes gone.

He says lets go for coffee so we do.

He tells me all the things i will have to change and work on IF he stays. 

He eats something, i cant.

We go home, we sit.

My manager texts me and tells about a pub i have to go to. 

I reply with something – autopilot – thank you!!

My manger realizes from the off tone text message i have sent something is wrong – she does not reply. She already arranged a meeting regarding my offish behavior of late so she will bring it up then. 

He says we need to try to be normal for the next week – no talking about it – just get back in to routine so we can process our feeling in a healthy way.

I don’t remember the rest of this day

 

It’s all a bit hazy!

From the morning after that conversation things become a little blurry for awhile.

I know what order things happened in but the exact time scales are foggy.

My brain doesn’t want to remember I’ve been told.

I’ve been amazed by the way it went into auto pilot.

I use to watch a program when I was younger about the human body and it being powered my tiny people pulling levers and pushing buttons.

I almost feel that is what happened. His words filtered in to my ears and the little person running the audio department starts running around like a sailor in a sinking ship. He would be pushing buttons and throwing switches shouting

Auto pilot!!!
Auto pilot!!!

I imagine this message finally reached the brain, the little man running things there looks in horror at the command. He reaches for a big red button that sits under a glass hood –autopilot–

I imagine that when the button clicks into place steam is vented and red light flick on in his little cabin.

It makes me smile this little image.

I’m going to keep writing – I’m going to use texts/emails/letters to make sure the timeline is right.

I’m also going to be honest about the part I have played in this. I have to face up to my own mistakes.

What do you mean you would move her in?!

You would really move her in here?

Well I earn more so I thought I would be keeping the flat.

I thought we where taking some time to decide what we wanted? You sound like you have already decided what you want.

No no I’m just looking at all the different things that are possible.

She could really move in here? With everything that I had picked and all of our memories. You could have another women in here?

She wouldn’t have a issue with it. She would do anything to be with me, she would give up everything.

What the room in her parent house?

…………

Night

I turn over at the point and cry and cry till I finally drift off.

The very second I realised I had been told half truths and select facts!!

Somehow I managed to make It through till that day, the trip home, dinner and going to bed.

I don’t remember any of it mind you

We lay in bed side by side

What would you do if we did split?

I can’t think about it, I want to make this work.

But you need to think about it.

Why? I don’t want to. I love you

I’m just saying. If I decide to leave then you need to know what you are going to do.

From a purely practical point of view there’s nothing we can do until August anyway, the contract on this place goes till then anyway.

………..

Well I know you couldn’t pay for this place by yourself anyway. Maybe we could try to make thing work till then.

You always said if something happened with me and someone else you would go back to your parents. You said you would just leave with your handbag.

Well life’s a bit different in practice isn’t it?

Yer – well if you want to go ill find someone else to pay the rent. You can you know if to want to – just take your bag and go. I don’t want you unhappy.

Who would you get to pay the rent,(best friend) has just signed a new contract, he couldn’t move in.

No HE couldn’t

Well then who? …… Oh ….. Right….. OK.

That is the exact moment I realised this went far deeper and had been going on a lot longer than 24 hours.

What a prize fool I had been.

How gullible, how trusting.

Never again!!!

Dooms Day

I woke up early and decided we should go some where public.

You are still being odd – i cant understand why you wont say anything.

You keep smiling at my oddly

My brain at this point seems unable to register the mixture of sadness, fear and pity that is showing on your face 

The day passes in an odd blur, you keep telling me you feel sick.

I buy you some jeans and a new top.

I finally face my fear and take you to Costa and sit you down.

You tell me your not happy.

You haven’t been for a while.

You have feeling for someone else.

She can give you what you want.

But………..

Nothing has happened 

You don’t know what you want.

You are worried i have been unhappy too.

You want us to take some time to think, are we really happy?

We will take a week, we will think.

NOTHING will happen with her.

We will working this out with grace and respect.

All the while you say these things my mind is falling…. falling…..

I CANT UNDERSTAND

I have been happy

I love you

I moved away from all my family and friends for you.

I trusted you

I was honest, faithful, caring, loving.

WHAT HAVE I DONE???????

I’m staring at you and i feel so scared.

So so scared…………

And worst of all looking back i also felt the cruelest of all things –     

                                                Hope

 

 

 

 

Flashback to 2010

A friend calls me –

I just wanted to tell you *** a girl I know is starting work at ****’s place.

Oh ok?! I’m getting a warning why?

She’s a nightmare. She slept with her best friends boyfriend at college, she seems to attach herself to attached men. She doesn’t like women. Just keep an eye out.

Flash forward to this last year.

They are good friends

I feel sorry for her as she doesn’t make friends easily.

They share a few interests – I’ve always been a true believer that you should not stop your partner being friends with the opposite sex. I think it shows a lack of trust.

Since this has happened I have started to rethink this.

If I ever meet anyone in the future I don’t think I would put up with this again.

I don’t think I will ever trust anyone again.

I’ve realised promises are just words that fall out of people’s mouths – pretty words that mean nothing.

Staring at the ceiling

Every little thing in the last few months that has seemed out of character comes rushing at me.

I have no idea if hes really asleep. i don’t think he is but i’m literally paralyzed by fear.

My friend could have been mistaken but i realize i know shes not.

Something has gone badly wrong.

i cant breath.

I’m losing him.

Hes right here, buts hes gone.

I cant breath.

I want him to cuddle me and say everything is OK and he missed me tonight but he doesn’t.

I’m broken inside.

I know……

I think i have known in my heart for a while.

(unknown to me at this point my manager is arranging a meeting as i have been forgetting things, seemed distant and shes worried)

Things that have been said over the last few months fly at me, everything hurts, my heart hurts, my brain is going too quickly.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW

My brain is fighting its self, weighing the odds, looking for the logic, finding the innocent reasons behinds so many night late to pick me up from work.

Everything’s going to be OK….

Everything’s going to be OK….

Everything’s going to be OK….

Everything’s going to be OK….

i repeat it in my head hoping its true, hoping i can make it true.

its to this chanting i drift off to sleep.

Having spoken to friends since this night a lot of them ask me how i went to sleep at all that night, how i didn’t scream and cry and throw things when he got in. I have no idea but i have learnt and am learning that the lengths the brain will go to protect its self are far and complex.

Once he arrived home!!

He got through the door and smiled at me 

you OK love?, i didn’t expect you to be up still.

 

i tried to call you

 

yer sorry i saw, lets go to bed ah, you look sleepy.

 

did something happy tonight with you and ***? 

 

like what?

 

like anything?

 

i don’t know what you mean.

 

i mean what i say did anything happen?

 

i’m too tiered for this and your being odd, lets go to sleep.

 

so i did, i laid in bed and didn’t go to sleep but instead stared at the ceiling to scared to ask the question. i was full of fear – white hot fear – it wrapped around my heart and burnt me. it hurt, a lot, the fear of a million things running around my head at once. FEAR come out of every cell of me.