Staring at the ceiling

Every little thing in the last few months that has seemed out of character comes rushing at me.

I have no idea if hes really asleep. i don’t think he is but i’m literally paralyzed by fear.

My friend could have been mistaken but i realize i know shes not.

Something has gone badly wrong.

i cant breath.

I’m losing him.

Hes right here, buts hes gone.

I cant breath.

I want him to cuddle me and say everything is OK and he missed me tonight but he doesn’t.

I’m broken inside.

I know……

I think i have known in my heart for a while.

(unknown to me at this point my manager is arranging a meeting as i have been forgetting things, seemed distant and shes worried)

Things that have been said over the last few months fly at me, everything hurts, my heart hurts, my brain is going too quickly.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW

My brain is fighting its self, weighing the odds, looking for the logic, finding the innocent reasons behinds so many night late to pick me up from work.

Everything’s going to be OK….

Everything’s going to be OK….

Everything’s going to be OK….

Everything’s going to be OK….

i repeat it in my head hoping its true, hoping i can make it true.

its to this chanting i drift off to sleep.

Having spoken to friends since this night a lot of them ask me how i went to sleep at all that night, how i didn’t scream and cry and throw things when he got in. I have no idea but i have learnt and am learning that the lengths the brain will go to protect its self are far and complex.

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