Something lost.

I stopped praying when I started seeing Dipstick properly – if you get my drift.

I was probably about 17ish.

He thought god was stupid, made it clear we would not be marrying in a church.

He mocked anything without scientific reasoning.

I would always class myself as spiritual rather than hardcore Christian.

I believe everyone is equal, I believe we should be able to marry who we want, I believe god loves us all, I believe that you don’t need to be standing in a church for god to hear us speak.

I was christened when I was 6.

For my 18th birthday I brought Dipstick a cross. It was a gothic style one – I hoped it would protect him a little.

2 years later he had that cross tattooed on his forearm – it’s a large tattoo. He then gave me the cross back and asked me to wear it. Another way for us to be linked, another sign of his commitment to me.

I wore it along with my rings day in day out. I never took them off.

I did finally remove them on the day he changed his Facebook status to in a relationship to her. They are in storage now.

I’ve worn no rings or bracelets or necklaces. It’s all in storage. I’ve felt naked, I’ve felt like everyone was looking. The tan line on my finger, my neck not feeling the cross thy has been there for over 7 years.

I was out with little bro yesterday, we were in a little local antique shop. I had been round it a few times and was heading for the the door.

Something caught my eye – hanging off a shelf were some black rosary beads. They looked incredibly old. The detail is beautiful. The cross, Jesus and other pictures carved into the metal. The cross seems so old, it’s even bent a little.

I picked it up – the lady behind the counter told me to go try it on. I did, it felt perfect, light but I could feel it around my neck.

It brought me a little peace, reminded me of something else I gave up.

I buried so much of myself to suite him, gave up so much just to make him happy.

I asked the lady how much – I was dreading this as I had fallen in love with it and still haven’t got the deposit back on the old flat.

Just give me £3 love.

She said this smiling.

It suites you.

I haven’t taken it off since.

I’ve started praying again.

Can’t focus!

My mind feels like a slide show on speed is taking place.

Memories flit through my mind a 100 miles an hour.

Can’t seem to think about anything but seem to be thinking about nothing but him.

My mind is like a cruel road map – all paths lead to him.

I know the process of going back to the same places are painful but I’m hoping to make new memories, my plan is that if I then go there again I can revert to my new memories.

I’m going to do some research on PTSD in the next few days.

I’m hoping that if I can understand it I can overcome it.

Feel like I’ve made no progress since i found out about them.

Not emotionally anyway.

Maybe I’m asking for to much?

I’m exhausted!

Call from Dad!

First of all Dipstick never replied to my email – which either means he’s on holiday with her or hasn’t checked emails – he’s a bit of a technophobe. Or of course he has and he’s informing me.

I’m happy to have vented still.

Dad called – I went into the garden so little bro didn’t hear.

I broke down – came the closest I’ve come to telling anyone back home about Black Thursday. I stopped short though. Couldn’t tell him, I have little bro here. I think they would be worried about how he is.

Having someone to look after this week has been great. He goes Sunday, I’m not looking forward to him leaving.

Dad asked me how exactly I feel, so I told him.

No future
No meaning
No life
No friends
No one is going to want me. Dipstick made this very clear.

I still feel broken

People tell me this is going to get better. Well 4 months down the line I’m still drinking. I’m still so fucking sad. I’m so fucking frustrated. Still can’t stop my stupid head from thinking about him.

I start boxing next week, I pray it helps.

Something to centre my mind.

Unexpected call!

I’ve been struggling lately.

Haven’t really been able to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Seem to be going backwards.

Didn’t really see how I was going to break free of this downward spiral.

Got a call today – the NHS therapist.

He explained they all have meetings each month with their supervisors and managers. They discuss their patients to see if they are doing the right thing.

Due to ‘recent events’ (I assume they mean the PTSD) they have re-assessed my case. It’s been decided I will go to from – monthly 30 mins sessions to – weekly 60 min sessions.

Ill now be seeing my therapists supervisor – he said that she is better equipped to help me – he said she was amazing.

During my last session I told my therapist about Black Thursday, I’m worried now. The last thing I need is to be branded ‘a mental’ – as dipstick called me when he heard I was signed off sick and on meds.

I’m not going to tell work – I’ve just gone for a promotion.

I’ve felt I needed something to help me try to move on, I’m not seeming to mange it by myself. I read a lot of blogs about divorce and break ups, everyone else seems to cope so well. I just can’t seem to get past the fact he has gone – I just can’t seem to cope on my own. I can’t seem to move past the pain.

Also just a little note to NHS workers. The service you provide makes a massive difference – my therapist, my case worker, my doctor – they have all been amazing supportive people.

Ahhhhhh!

Woke up at 4am.

I’d had a terrible dream.

I broke my uninitiated contacted rule.

I emailed dipstick!

Shit shit shit

I wish I could take it back.

I wasn’t a take me back email at least, I’ve never gone there.

It was a how could you did this email.

Oddly since I have done this I feel like a pressure had been released!

I just feel embarrassed now.

Crap – I hope he doesn’t show it to her!

😦

Living in twilight zone!!

I’ve been thinking a lot in the last week about me.

Every time I try to do this it ALWAYS switched back to thinking about dipstick.

Having this week off has been good with little bro. He’s immature for his age which has been good for me in many ways. He has demanded a lot of my time, but I have had time to think. Too much time really.

Every branch of my life feels wrong to the core. Everything feels alien, it feels like I’m watching a television program.

This is not my life, this is not I signed up for.

7 years ago I moved 300 miles away from my family to live on a small island just off the UK.

I gave up college, my job and contact with my family.

I was faithful to him in every way.

I used all my money to Kay the bills.

He told me we would go back to our home town once a month.

We ended you going back twice a year.

I have been left with nothing.

Pretty much everything hurts.

I feel like screaming till my vocal cords implode.

But I’m trying to not dwell on all this (yes I know that’s laughable considering my daily posts, but believe me I am trying).

So here what I must do in the next week.

Do a budget.

Make a list of options that I need to pick from by Christmas.

Set up payment plan to dipstick – he wants half the value of the furniture I have kept.

Set up payment to house share for half bills and rent.

I hate dragging myself through this shit.

It’s all shit.

I can’t help thinking I should have moved in by myself but there’s nothing I can do now.

House share has made no more remarks about taking thing further. I hope he gets it now.

I miss dipstick, I don’t know why. I still don’t understand either why I haven’t stopped loving him or why I miss him.

I’m hoping I stop loving him soon, I hope I stop missing him!

Struggling with the void!!

How do you learn to cope
With this void.

I feel like someone taken a shotgun to my chest and theres a large hole now. I feels like I could put my hand through it and touch the edges of my back.

It’s a pain I never expected and didn’t think could be cause by emotional pain.

Then there’s the void of seeing/hearing/thinking about something and going to text/call him.

He doesn’t care about what I’ve got to say.

How can I still love someone who has still hurt me so deeply.

I’m not sleeping.

I miss him in every way.

Choices – I don’t know what to do!!

I’ve been thinking about my options today.

My options seem extensive but they all seem to lack meaning. I can’t see the point in any of them.

I have to have a plan by Christmas

A = Stay on this little island and watch him get remarried.

B = Move back to my home town – where his family live. Watch him come home to visit. See the school we met in. My heart being clawed out at every corner.

C = little Bro’s choice is for me to move to London.

D = Put a pin in a map – move there.

E = Go traveling.

F = Travel to the moon and set up camp!

F’s winning out at the moment!

If I could have any wish I would have my mind wiped of any memory of him. I would have the pain, the hurt all wiped out of my head.

I wish I had never met him.

Loss

There is a gent I work with, I’m going to call him Ned.

Ned lost his mother 1 week before I found out about dipstick.

I had a month off work when it all happened.

When I came back he came and found me. We had a chat, we found that many of the same thought and feelings where flitting around our heads.

We catch up every week and chat about what we have been up to.

We cleaned out the flats at the same time.

Sorted out the utility bills at the same time.

Another person at work joined one of our chats the other day. I got up to make the coffees. While I was I up she turned to Ned and said (obviously a lot more loudly than she meant to it be or she was being particularly cruel).

‘Your mums dead, Mandy’s husband has ONLY left her, what could yo possible have in common? Do you not just wanna give her a slap and tell her to snap out of it?’

Ned was quite for a moment – I had my back to them. I kinda froze, felt a sudden rush of tears. I suddenly felt so guilty – how could I have assumed that Ned was finding our chats as therapeutic as I was?! Stupid cow!!

‘It’s funny really, most of this is the same – the aftermath I mean. But your right that there are some major differences.
I mean I get to go home to my wife at night, to my home. Mandy of course gets to go to an empty house, a house that she loves but she now has to leave.
Then there’s the finances, I’m waiting on my inheritance now. It’s costly and there’s lots of legal stuff but that’s my future cemented now. Dipstick took everything so Mandy’s struggling to just make it to payday now.
I suppose there’s the future plans too, with my inheritance I get to start planning the trip to Africa. Mum would have loved it so I’m going to get it sorted ASAP. Mandy’s plans to go to New York are off now to many memories for her. The plan to buy the cottage is off now too – dipstick has now moved to ‘insert town of choice for Mandy’s cottage here’ with her so there’s no way se can do it now.
I miss my mum. I miss her like mad but I’ve got my wife, my kids my future. What’s Mandy got now?’

I had made the coffee by this point, Ned’s speech made me smile, it made me feel like someone had my back.

What’s happened isn’t the same, I know that but once I say sat down he said to me.

‘I get to remember the happy times with my mum, maybe you will to one day. I get to idolise my mum there’s nothing she can do now to break that. He’s still hurting you even though he’s gone. I feel for you Mandy. It would have been easier if he’d Died Mand but you’ll get there, you will’

I was still crying but I was smiling a little now too.

Dreams.

Once little bro is in bed I have been self medicating to sleep – no matter how much I sleep I’m exhausted.

I’m drinking at night.

I dreamt I went to a field. I dreamt that I screamed and instead of a noise black tar spewed from my mouth.
It spewed and didn’t stop. The hurt, betrayal, pain, venom, loneliness and self loathing poured from me. It spewed and spewed from me until I stood in a black pool. It was dripping down my chin, it soaked my clothes. The black tar kept coming out of me. It didn’t stop, my knees gave way – I fell into the pool of tar. I laid in it, tears streamed down my eyes, the tar kept coming. I couldn’t breath.

I woke up.

Sometimes i dream about dipstick directly. Dream it hasn’t happened, or i dream this world I live in now is a nightmare.

I prefer the dream about the field of tar – it’s confusing let less painful.