For the next few days after the conversation I’m like a zombie.
He said he would think some more, so I’m waiting for him to come back to me.
He has been asking me for a while to go back to our home town to see my parents. My parents are desperate for me to do this and so is my doctor. After much pushing on all sides I give in.
The morning before I go he gives me his sisters number and asks that while I’m back if I will go and explain ‘what’s happening’ to his parents.
Me going back was a massive mistake from my point of view. I sat down on the boat and realise I don’t want to go. I want to go back to my flat, I don’t want to do this. I feel manic – if the boat hadn’t left the dock I would have got off the boat and gone home.
The next few days pass in a blur – I remember doing what he asked and going to see his family. I go over a few things that have happened
– the night I heard his phone bing with messages from her 27 times (her sister was ill and she was freaking out he told me)
– the day he told me if I didn’t lose weight he would leave me.
– the day he told me his friends had pretty girlfriends and he was stuck with me.
I remember his mother being utterly horrified –
why have you stayed with him?
During this chat I find out some things about him I never knew, and if I had I question if I ever would have moved away with him.
His father keeps saying that he needs to be happy (I agree with this I just wish that his happiness didn’t rip my soul to shreds).
The worst part of this conversation is when he calls me and asks me to stay away longer (why I don’t twig at this point I don’t know – I still think there is a chance)
When I get back I text him and ask him to pick me up.
He does – the first thing he does is tell me something happened between them while I was gone. He doesn’t want me, he wants to be out in the open with her now.
He then asks me if I want him to take me back to the boat so I can go back to my parents.
I say no – he does not like this.
He takes me back. I cry a little – he goes ballistic, says he will just leave and sleep in the car if I don’t stop.
I stop – ill only find out the damage cutting my emotions off will do later on.
I ask him to still sleep in the bed.