The next 3 days are very very foggy.
Remembering these days is very hurtful.
He is still sleeping in our bed (each night he asks me if i want him to sleep on the sofa, i always say no) but is now openly seeing her.
My manager has let my close workmates know.
I’ve been signed off work for another 2 weeks.
Doctor has upped my meds.
The first night he gets home at 11pm – he tells me all about the BBQ *** has thrown so he can finally meet all her family. He tells me he enjoys this, her sister is pretty cool and he likes her boyfriend (I had been told her sister was bordering on death – hence all the previous contact). He does not seem to care how hearing this hurts me.
The night after he comes in at 3am. He tells me how he got a BJ in the car and how she wears sexy underwear for him. He always wanted me to wear those but felt at my size (uk 12) I was too fat. He gets straight into bed and sleeps. I silently cry myself to sleep.
The night after he comes home at 4am. He tells me how they had sex in car. I then get tips off how I can improve my sexual performance and how I can improve my BJs, how if i lost some weight someone will want me eventually. I’m stunned. I can’t breath. I can’t move. I cry. He gets mad. He calls me weak – he thinks I should pack a bag and just go straight home to my parents.
I curl up in a ball on my side of the bed.
I’ve perfected the silent cry now but he feels me shaking as I do this. He tells me if I don’t stop he’s leaving now. So I buried it again.
I lay there awake looking at his face
I wished I hated him
I wish I had never met him
I don’t want him to leave me
I feel utterly broken