I wrote a post last night – I didn’t set out to write about any certain subject. I felt I just needed to splurge.
It got to a point about missing him – I tried to list all the things I miss, all the reasons to miss him – I struggled to do this. It planted a seed and I didn’t sleep much last night. This seed seems to have grown into a small sapling.
I found a major difference between what I wanted to write and the truth.
He didn’t tell me I was pretty.
He didn’t tell me I was the most special girl in the world.
He would not tell me how much I meant to him.
In the last 9 years he cooked me dinner 3 times (one of those were raw chicken) – I had to cook even if I was on a late shift.
He didn’t like the way I would clean – he would do it again.
He would call me lazy.
He hated driving me around but would not help me pay for driving lessons.
In march I was offered a promotion – after talking with him he decided I should not take it so I didn’t. If I had right now I would have been able to afford my home and I would not be having to think about moving.
He wasn’t really very nice to me in the last few years! I feel a bit of a fool being in such pain – he’s not mourning our relationship. He’s moving on with this women he’s been shagging for the last 8 months.
What do I really miss –
Having someone at home when I get there.
Having someone to share my inner most thoughts with.
I miss going out to dinner in really nice places.
I miss sex with someone that cares about me.
I miss sleeping next to someone.
I got out of bed this morning with minimal crying.
I’m not better, I’m not free of pain, I still miss him but now I’m thinking…… Maybe this wasn’t 100% my fault. He says it is. I don’t know anymore.