Wow massively hard day so far and it’s only noon.
On the plus side I woke up and got out of bed with no tears, I then turn to the order of the day.
I have managed with relative ease this morning. Don’t get me wrong it’s not simple but I think I’m starting to except the pain as part of my everyday life. I’ve been waiting for the break in it. I’ve been waiting for it to ease off. It’s not. It still burning, still clawing at me but I’m starting to accept it. I’m feel lime I’m carrying it rather than it drowning me.
I just threw out all the Christmas decorations. 9 years worth of lovely Christmases all in the bin. I took the baubles with his name inscribed and put them in his boxes. He’s coming to get his stuff Monday.
This is the hardest thing I have had to do, I have taken all the memory boxes and I’m going to put them in storage, it’s too soon to throw them away. I’m trying to get rid of anything that remind me of him but that’s leaving me with less and less.
I miss him with every part of me, but he doesn’t want me.
On day I hope I find someone that wants to be with me for him, just how I am. But I feel so old.
I’m also coming to accept my failings.
I should have lost weight quicker for him.
I should have had sex 6/7 nights a week instead of 3/4.
I should have done more cleaning in the house.
These are all reasons he threw at me for leaving and I suppose I should accept I could have done more.
Despite everything I worry about him and I want him to be happy.
Granted I want to hunt her down and so some serious physical damage but I guess it takes 2 to tango.
I wonder if I will be happy one day. I hope i will.
I’ve never been an single as an adult, the last time I was single I was 16/17.
I feel like I’ve got a whole person to grow into.
It’s all a bit daunting really.
On the plus side I have found somewhere to live for the next 6 months
I wonder how ill feel in 6 months. I hope I’ve stopped crying everyday.