My darkest day. I hope i never have to go there again.

Please don’t read this if you are feeling crap – i don’t need scolding. I know i was weak and i know i was being cowardly. Its taken a lot to think about this day. In a way though it makes me think that maybe  i have some further than i think.

On the 31st of July i wrote about the day i reached what i thought was rock bottom.

I left my home with the intention of throwing myself under a large fuel truck.

I ended up at a doctors office after a phone call that pretty much saved my life.

I really believed after that day i would improve.

I was sure that as i was given medication, a caseworker and a shrink i would start a rapid recovery and i wouldn’t be in pain for much longer.

I assumed that the with all of that, and with the help from others around me i was right on track – logical right?

Then the day that i call Black Thursday came.

Days off are incredible hard for me as all of my routine was based around him.

I know that everyone copes differently.

I know some people are stronger.

I know some are more stable.

But i also know there is no handbook for this.

I have known this man since i was 11.

At 12 i told my dad i was going to marry this man.

At 17 we made it official.

I’m 26 – I have loved this man for longer than i haven’t.

I feel like his being, his soul is part of me – like roots of a tree. I feel like i grew up with him. His root have become part of him – How do you untangle that?

Black Thursday came a week after i had turned up at the doctors.

I spent all day in my bed.

I don’t remember how the day started but i remember sitting under the covers with a bottle of wine – swinging straight from the bottle.

I remember the pain

I was thinking about all the sexual comparisons he had made. I was thinking about all the tips he gave me on how i could be better in bed. I was thinking about how no man was going to want be unless i got down to 8 stone. He has told me that.

I’ve since been told this is called rumination.

A lovely lady commented about it last week and a few days later my shrink told me all about it,

Turns out she was totally on the mark.

I’am learning some skills to stop me doing this now.

But at the time i had never heard of rumination.

I sat in bed and as everything went around in my head i decided i was destined to live a lonely and sad life. I decided to end it now rather than  put up with anymore pain.

I took my writing set and i wrote 4 letters.

Dad.

Mother.

Dipstick.

Good friend.

I wrote long letters.

I slept in between writing them as it really took it out of me.

I wept as i wrote them.

I poured myself out onto the pages.

By this point i had finished the bottle, i got up and took a shower.

I changed my sheets (looking back it must have taken me ages – it takes me long enough sober) and i took my last bottle of wine out of the fridge.

I then in my drunken state started looking for tablets.

i reached the Valium, the sleeping tablets and the antidepressants.

This seemed like a great mix to me. in my drunken state i assumed this would be like slipping away in a lovely hazy dream.

I was in so much pain i thought anything must be better than this…anything!

So i took them – all of them. I also downed the rest of the bottle of wine.

I placed the letter by the front door and closed my bedroom door.

I wanted whoever found me to know what i had done and not just burst in and see me.

i stumbled back into the bedroom and got into bed i put i episode of NCIS on the laptop (i cant get to sleep with out some background noise even now).

I felt it coming on quickly.

I’ve never held large amounts liquid very well and drinking 2 bottles of wine in a few hours didn’t sit well with me.

I vomited everywhere, it was voluminous. All the tablets had came back up, a little worn looking at the edges but they where there.

I got back in the shower where i vomited a few more times.

I then slept on the sofa for 12 hours.

I woke up feeling like shit.

I have kept the letters. They are on my bedside table. My shrink wanted me to throw them away but i cant. He wanted me to tell my parents but i cant. i have told Good friend though. She asked me to throw away the letters but i haven’t. Its not that i plan to use them, i don’t but there is something pure about them – if that’s the right word. It was me minus any bull shit. It was exactly how i felt. I don’t know how to explain it. Its difficult to verbalize. I haven’t read them back, i look at the envelopes sometimes. They make me feel a little safer.

I’m sorry if this post has made anyone uncomfortable but writing seems to help. This is probably my last really depressing post. lets home anyway!!

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4 thoughts on “My darkest day. I hope i never have to go there again.

  1. Okay, this I can say for sure. Thursday was the darkest day of your life. Your survived Thursday. it doesn’t get worse than that day. You said in an earlier post that your life is over. You’re right – the first part of your life IS over. But you’re 26 years old – you’re a baby. You met and married this guy very young. The demise of your relationship was kind of inevitable. Not to be glib – I have totally been where you are. But I want you to know that the second part of your life is waiting for you, and it’s going to be better than the first. I know you love this man, but he is not nice and he doesn’t sound worthy of you. The things he says to you? He’s going to say to her at some point, you can be assured of that. Maybe he’ll even leave her like he left you. He sounds a little cruel and pretty messed up. Statistically, the chances of them being together forever aren’t great. But that is their journey, and at some point – hard as this is to imagine now – you won’t care what happens to him. There is a whole world out there waiting for you, and a good, kind, loving man who is going to accept you for the amazing young woman you are. Grieving is a process with a beginning, a middle and an end. You are facing your emotions head-on, and you’re moving through them faster than you understand. You are going to get better, and the pain is going to end. I promise you with all my heart.

    • I pray that one day I don’t care about him, your right that I can’t imagine it yet but I hope it comes. I can’t ever imagine trusting anyone ever again. I don’t think I could go through this twice. I’m just hoping to learn to be ok by myself. Equally I’m worried that I’ll spend the rest of my life alone. Up and down like a yo-yo. Thank you for your promise!

  2. Hugs to you. I’m glad you made it through that dark day. I want you to know that I completely understand how hard it is to unravel a relationship that began before adulthood. It is completely different than a relationship that started as an adult. We have nothing to go back to, it’s very difficult for people to understand. I get it. I really do. Hugs.

    • Thank you, it’s so difficult. A very good friend of mine (the same age) went through divorce last year. She keeps telling me to ‘find who I was before him’ as that’s what she did. I had backstreet boys posters on my wall and was reading Nancy Drew. It’s not that simple. Thanks for understanding. I’ve look at a few of your very first posts thank you for sharing with me.

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