Ok so I’m sitting here in my new shared house.
The old flat sorted and keys are ready to hand back.
For the next 6 months the drama should be mostly behind me. I’m now left with the shards of an old life.
I now have the stability of a job, a roof over my head and along with the house share I will now have some disposable income.
Here’s where I have to be brutally honest with myself and you all.
My ex was controlling with money.
I never got the opportunity to have my hair or nails done.
I never really made friends because I could never go out.
I never got the opportunity to learn to drive.
I had NO hobbies – anything I tried to start I was told there was no money for.
The only thing I did was read. I saved my change from the bus fares and brought second hand books.
I’m a 26 years old empty space – I’m beige.
I’m literally nothing now he has gone!
How do you reduce someone to beige – I never use to be beige, I use to collect large scale lego models. I use to lay in the rain on the grass and watch the sky. I use to be funny and happy go lucky. I was quirky, I was happy.
But I was 16. I’m no longer 16 – I’m now beige!!!
It’s horrible to admit your boring but I suppose that’s what I’m doing.
I’m struggling to find meaning now.
My life before was making breakfast,lunch and dinner for him
Having sex with him.
Going to the beach so he could do his photography.
He put me in such a small box and I let him!!
I don’t know how to be more than I was, and I don’t say that sobbing on the floor. I don’t say that in a dramatic style. I say that with honesty.
So how do I find meaning?
A friend took me for dinner the other day and I struggled with what to order. He asked me what I would have ordered if dipstick was sitting opposite? I knew – it would have been the salmon so he could finish what ever I didn’t eat. My friend stared at me.
Mandy we are going to sit here till you decide what you want.
20 minutes later and having sent the waiter away 3 times I ordered a lamb burger.
I can’t live my life like this. I feel half, I feel empty.
How do I find out how i am (and I know how cheesy that sounds).
How do I find meaning?