How do I find meaning?

Ok so I’m sitting here in my new shared house.

The old flat sorted and keys are ready to hand back.

For the next 6 months the drama should be mostly behind me. I’m now left with the shards of an old life.

I now have the stability of a job, a roof over my head and along with the house share I will now have some disposable income.

Here’s where I have to be brutally honest with myself and you all.

My ex was controlling with money.

I never got the opportunity to have my hair or nails done.

I never really made friends because I could never go out.

I never got the opportunity to learn to drive.

I had NO hobbies – anything I tried to start I was told there was no money for.

The only thing I did was read. I saved my change from the bus fares and brought second hand books.

I’m a 26 years old empty space – I’m beige.

I’m literally nothing now he has gone!

How do you reduce someone to beige – I never use to be beige, I use to collect large scale lego models. I use to lay in the rain on the grass and watch the sky. I use to be funny and happy go lucky. I was quirky, I was happy.

But I was 16. I’m no longer 16 – I’m now beige!!!

It’s horrible to admit your boring but I suppose that’s what I’m doing.

I’m struggling to find meaning now.

My life before was making breakfast,lunch and dinner for him

Having sex with him.

Going to the beach so he could do his photography.

He put me in such a small box and I let him!!

I don’t know how to be more than I was, and I don’t say that sobbing on the floor. I don’t say that in a dramatic style. I say that with honesty.

So how do I find meaning?

A friend took me for dinner the other day and I struggled with what to order. He asked me what I would have ordered if dipstick was sitting opposite? I knew – it would have been the salmon so he could finish what ever I didn’t eat. My friend stared at me.

Mandy we are going to sit here till you decide what you want.

20 minutes later and having sent the waiter away 3 times I ordered a lamb burger.

I can’t live my life like this. I feel half, I feel empty.

How do I find out how i am (and I know how cheesy that sounds).

How do I find meaning?


7 thoughts on “How do I find meaning?

  1. I’m not stunned that your husband was so controlling … just that you agreed to it. Sounds like you USED to be anything but beige. You just got beaten down. You must realize that if he ever finds another woman to have a long term relationship with him, she’ll likely bolt the first time his true colors come out. No one should eat salmon when she really wants lamb. I’m following your progress and you have much potential!
    “Mandy we are going to sit here till you decide what you want.” LOVE THAT!!

    • I know, looking back it amazes me but I think it happened so slowly. When we first got together I was the one who sorted the money and everything else. He has social issues but when those where sorted he just seemed to take more and more away. He’s moved in with her now. I think they will be together forever. They are some similar, both so emotionally cold. Thanks for reading and the advice. Thanks for the kind words.

  2. Keep plugging away. Keep going through the ups and downs. There will be many. Keep writing.

    Because we’re here on the other end of all that typing. And someday, you’re going to be writing with a huge smile on your face. Because you have some amazing story to tell.

    And your blog’s name will be something that felt less like the end, and more like the beginning.

    Your life has meaning. You matter. Because you’re going to be able to help other women cope with this horrible life situation when it happens to them. You’re going to be a solider. A good one. One who lifts people up. One who encourages.

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. And I never want to trivialize it or make light of it. But young lady, opportunities are coming. And you’re going to strong. And whole. And exactly who you’re supposed to be.

    Today, you are one step closer to that. Deep breaths. Never forget to take deep breaths.

  3. girl you are going to be soooooooooooooooooooooo much happier without him once you get over the pain. Go read this web site “chump lady” blog great stuff I’ve been a chump my whole life but I’m trying to do better. I was in a relationship like that once and the sheer relief and joy I felt when I didn’t have someone else running my life was incomparable. When I would come home from work and not have to worry about him being mad because I was 5 minutes late, or I had forgotten to do something or whatever there was always something, it was sheer joy. I was just happy being free.

    • It’s odd I keep expecting house mate to react angrily to things. I’m waiting for the fall out most the time. I can’t seem to adjust, I’m going to look at the blog you suggested. Thanks for your time and kind words.

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