Raw inside and out.

I’m surprised by how fluid my emotions are.

I feel like to the outside world I look normal but I’m so raw.

I feel like someone has removed my skin, like I’m a raw bleeding bundle of nerve endings.

Everything invokes a memory/feeling/sensation/mood.

It’s never ending and exhausting.

I spend my days avoiding these sensations, anything to avoid thinking about him.

Anything to be stable.

So far the list is –

His family.
His friends.
Their workplace.
Music that we brought while together.
Songs about love/cheating.
Pictures of him/us/his family/her/them.
Places him/us/his family/they go/went to.
Newspaper stories about cheating.
Black cars.
Grey cars.
The 12 boxes of our stuff that is in storage that I can’t bring myself to look at.
All my jewellery.
My body.
Ann summers underwear stores – he told me this is where she buys the underwear she wears for him.
Terry’s chocolate orange.
West side of the island.
The whole of the island during the weekend.
My glasses.
Couples kissing.
Couples in love.
Westie dogs.
My hometown.
My old school.
5.30 pm Monday to Friday
Noon Monday to Friday.
An clothes I ever wore whilst with him.
Tv shows we watched together.
Lay ins.
Night time.
Waking up.
Friends taking about their relationships.
My birthday.
3rd July.
27th and 28th August.
Early February.
My feet.
My fat.
Thinking about sex.
Talking about sex.
Our old favourite restaurant.
Going for a coffee.
Our favourite foods.

Everything listed above make me think about him.

Tomorrow it would be my anniversary!


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