Something lost.

I stopped praying when I started seeing Dipstick properly – if you get my drift.

I was probably about 17ish.

He thought god was stupid, made it clear we would not be marrying in a church.

He mocked anything without scientific reasoning.

I would always class myself as spiritual rather than hardcore Christian.

I believe everyone is equal, I believe we should be able to marry who we want, I believe god loves us all, I believe that you don’t need to be standing in a church for god to hear us speak.

I was christened when I was 6.

For my 18th birthday I brought Dipstick a cross. It was a gothic style one – I hoped it would protect him a little.

2 years later he had that cross tattooed on his forearm – it’s a large tattoo. He then gave me the cross back and asked me to wear it. Another way for us to be linked, another sign of his commitment to me.

I wore it along with my rings day in day out. I never took them off.

I did finally remove them on the day he changed his Facebook status to in a relationship to her. They are in storage now.

I’ve worn no rings or bracelets or necklaces. It’s all in storage. I’ve felt naked, I’ve felt like everyone was looking. The tan line on my finger, my neck not feeling the cross thy has been there for over 7 years.

I was out with little bro yesterday, we were in a little local antique shop. I had been round it a few times and was heading for the the door.

Something caught my eye – hanging off a shelf were some black rosary beads. They looked incredibly old. The detail is beautiful. The cross, Jesus and other pictures carved into the metal. The cross seems so old, it’s even bent a little.

I picked it up – the lady behind the counter told me to go try it on. I did, it felt perfect, light but I could feel it around my neck.

It brought me a little peace, reminded me of something else I gave up.

I buried so much of myself to suite him, gave up so much just to make him happy.

I asked the lady how much – I was dreading this as I had fallen in love with it and still haven’t got the deposit back on the old flat.

Just give me £3 love.

She said this smiling.

It suites you.

I haven’t taken it off since.

I’ve started praying again.


3 thoughts on “Something lost.

  1. Prayer and believing in things greater than yourself are very good things.

    A willingness to be humble and understand that we simply cannot carry all this shit alone, is good. And wise.

    There are a million good reasons to have a relationship with our Creator. One of the worst ones is the simple fact that you will NEVER feel alone or abandoned if that relationship is strong and fostered and a central theme in your life.

    But that’s still a pretty damn good reason to do it.

    Rooting for you, lady.

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