Mind reader?

Yesterday I posted a open letter to my ex.

Today a little hand grenade landed in my inbox.

My blog is anonymous, not a single person knows about it.

I know he couldn’t have read it but it’s odd.

It contains the usual

* he misses me
* he’s worried for me
* he cares about
* he has love for me

It’s funny he didn’t seem to be thinking about these things when he was regularly putting his dick in someone else.

I don’t know if I’m going to respond.

Dear Dipstick

To my dear Dipstick

I’ve been to see my therapist today and its been a bit of a difficult session. After a long chat we decided that I should write you a letter. You see for the last few weeks I’ve been struggling with something new – my anger. It’s becoming a bit of a beast, it rears its head at the most unexpected of times. I’m taking things out on people that don’t deserve it, people that have been there for me when I was really low.

Therapist thinks I need you to feel my pain, I WANT you to feel my pain. You have caused me more pain than I thought it was possible to inflict on a soul. I always measured pain in broken bones and bruised skin but you caused me more pain than a thought it was possible for someone to contain.

I didn’t love you the first time I met you but It was soon after, I loved you when you where 12 and had bright blonde hair, I loved you when you where covered in puppy fat and I loved you when you pulled my hair. I loved you when you broken my locker and I loved you when you threw balls of paper at me. I loved you when you walked me to school and I loved you when you asked me to be your girlfriend. I loved you when I kissed you for the first time – my first real kiss. I thought my heart would burst when the day finally came and I was yours and you where mine.

Looking back I started changing for you early on. I was so young, far far too young for such love. My family – you didn’t like them, you looked down on them for being poor – you assumed that made them bad people. My dad is the most amazing man, so so kind, you never gave him a chance.

In the end it made it easier if I went along with what you wanted. I worshiped the ground you walked on and spent all my time trying to make you happy and please you.

I took an overdose you know?! I reached my limit, I couldn’t take anymore. I wanted it over, the pain, my hurt and this non life that I had been left with.

You took my life and you made it a bomb site.

You ruined me, you treated me like I was disposable, like I didn’t matter.

I gave you honesty,fidelity,love and my life, my soul. Why wasn’t I enough for you?

Why?

Why?

But I guess I’m never going to get an answer to that.

My therapist has explained some things to me, has me researching others.

Your unhappiness manifested itself in some really vile ways.

You should have just left me 9 months ago when you realised you had feelings for her, before the sex started you should have gone.

You should have taken more responsibility for things.

You shouldn’t have hurt me, why did you do it?

Why did you stop me seeing my family?
Why did you make me feel so so small?
Why did you treat me like I was less than human?

I hurt so much but I feel like the tide is turning, I will grow.
I will become stronger.

I don’t think I will meet anyone else.

I loved you with everything I was.

But I’m not what I was anymore.

I’m new.

I see you.
I see you for the lost little boy you are.

I see you for the petulant child that hides just beyond the surface.

I’m not in love with you anymore.

I wouldn’t take you back anymore, if you came back there would be pause.
There would be thought.

I have love for you but I’m not in love with you – remember when you told me that, well dipstick the feeling is mutual.

I cooked a roast dinner!

Today I cooked a roast. It’s the first roast I have cooked in 5 months.

A friend came round and we have chatted and cooked.

I did all the cooking in the relationship.

I’ve been living on scrambled eggs since he went.

It’s been good to cook for someone.

Today hasn’t been a bad day.

Dipsticks family haven’t contacted me as they said they would.

I’m ok with that.

Grave yard!

The pain that my dreams caused me last night has faded but its left a residual layer of swirling anger.

I left work for therapy early, there’s a grave yard next door to her office.

I always thought it was small and overgrown and forgotten.

After arriving early I went for a walk in there.

I walk further than I normally do and I was surprised to find that a path that leads around a giant conifer. It takes you to a new kept part.

It’s humbled me, calmed me.

So much loss, so many memories, but the one thing that stands out most is the amount of love that is held here.

I’ve had a good few days, I think I had almost forgotten the lows.

Today is a low day but today I carry hope that things will get better one day.

Cruel cruel cruel cruel

Just dreamed about the whole thing.

Every detail, every cut, every rip, every tear, every crossed word.

Ahhhhhhh

I hurt this morning, I hurt deeply, the pain is indescribable.

What if I was better?
What if I was skinnier?
What if I did as I was asked more?

Ahhhhhhh

I’m hoping like with all dream this fades as the day goes on!!!!!!

A nice end to a shit day.

Went to boxing.

I was having a bit of a crap session, couldn’t find my rhythm.

Out of the blue the guy on the next bag came over.

‘You need to keep your guard up a bit more, also wait a second or two after throwing your jab to swing with your leading hand, that will give you more power’.

For a moment I looked at him liked he’d just landed from the moon.

I then found my voice and said I was having issues today, couldn’t get it happening.

He had noticed I was southpaw, ‘like rocky’ he said that would be more difficult for other boxers when I got up to speed. He talked boxing for a second.

He then offered me his bag as it was heavier and mine kept getting away from me.

He never asked my name, I never asked his.

He talked to me because he wanted too.

He didn’t get anything out if it, in fact he ended up with a crappier bag.

At the end of the session he nodded and smiled at me as he left.

This has made me smile.

I might ask his name if I see him at the boxing gym again.

Today I met someone new, I might not meet him again.

No matter if I do nor not – he has made me smile. He was kind and cute.

House share messes with my fledging social life!

Just got a call from boxing buddy.

I am pissed off!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you have been following my blog you will know what when I was at my weakest the man I was arranging a house share with called me one night. He said that he ‘wanted to take things further’.

Up until that point he had been a supportive friend, who at double my age I saw as a father figure.

At the time he was sleeping with another lady I work with.

This in my book made him a double shit. Not only did he want a move when I was at my most vulnerable but he had a girlfriend.

If I had not given my notice on my lovely but expensive flat I would have called off house share.

So boxing buddy calls, she was meant to be popping round for lunch before boxing.

She doesn’t want to come anymore – to the boxing or lunch or my house.

She got a call from house share – he wants to start a relationship with her. She the same age as me. She handled it really well. Told him that he’s too old and she just wants to be friends.

Well he’s girlfriend found out about this and is now making boxing buddy’s life hell.

WTF!!!!!!!!

Boxing buddy never asked for this.

House shares girlfriend has not confronted him, she just being a shit to boxing buddy.

Boxing buddy won’t be coming to my house again and I can’t drive do I can’t go to hers!!!

House share won’t ask girlfriend to lay off!!

PISSED OFF.

Eharmony, GTA and finding my path.

My life over the last 2 days has consisted of 2 things.

Eharmony and GTA.

One sweet and one sour.

One about the future and one about the past.

I have discovered over the last few days that I can now manage to juggle these simultaneously. A few weeks ago thinking of the past would drag me down to a dark place, all thinking of my current situation would disappear.

I’d sink down to a dark place, I’d be surrounded by decay, darkness, thoughts of black Thursday. The past would crowd me while at the same time I would be utterly surrounded by emptiness. The void that exists in my life would threaten to envelope me.

Now though I manage to exist between the two worlds.

Less dark cellar full of decay and death, more dark cellar full of old boxes and the occasional bear trap.

I feel like I’m straddling my past and future. I replied to sister in laws text, I apologised for the time it’s taken to respond and said I would like to met up.

I’ve also said I would like to write to his mother. I know this isn’t everyone’s choice but I’m a little curious as to see what she has to say.

My therapist talking to me about DV has really shaken something out of me. I seem a little more balanced. I’m thinking about thinks in a different way.

Eharmony

I’ve started with the free profile with plans to upgrade when I’m paid.

I’m enjoying it.

I have a few mail I can’t read due to being a non paying member but its interesting talking to people when I can’t see there pictures. I’m thinking if my views are going to change when I can see them.

GTA

I preordered the new GTA for dickhead before the separation.

He took his preorder slip when he moved out.

I however took the play station.

Seeing all the adverts had made me think of him constantly in the lasts few days.

I can honestly say

-I miss him.
-I have love for him.
-His unhappiness manifested in some very nasty behavioural traits.
-In the last few years I was made to pay for his unhappiness.
-I don’t think his treatment of me was intentional.
-I handled things all wrong.
-I will never let anyone chip away at my confidence, self esteem and self belief ever again (once they are all built back up)
-In my turmoil at my inability to ‘fix things’ I buried my head in the sand and let go you myself.
-I will never be the person I was.
-I should never have to change myself to please someone.
-I WANT to work on losing a little weight and toning up (not because I’m being call fat, ugly and useless but because this is what I want for myself)
-I think I might just make it.
-I don’t have to deal with any of the legal stuff for a while (neither of us have any money)
-By the time I have to deal with the legal stuff I think I will be ready.
-I’m massively thankful to the people that have helped me along the way.

I think I have found my path now or at least the well worn track to the path.

I’m not fixed or healed or even happy but I think I might just make it.