Dead behind the eyes!!

For anyone who has been reading my blog you will know how low I have been.

After the initial impact of finding out about the affair, being metal abused, black thursday and then the PTSD.

I’ve felt since the start of house share I’m in total free fall – oh and by the way my hair seems to be falling out. I don’t mean that in a ironic way, I mean that in a – I keep waking up with a pillow full of hair way. In a – it looks like someone’s shaved cousin IT on my bathroom floor way.

The one place I have managed to hold it together is work.

Work I know, work I’m good at.

Manager took me for a coffee today.

There had been a promotion available in a different department.

‘Mandy I don’t want you to go for the promotion, I have something else in mind’

She explained what this was, I liked the sound of it so its something I’m going to go with.

She then moved on to something else. She told me she knew I was keeping it together at work but how was I at home.

I spilled the beans about the new therapy that starts tomorrow.

Good she said. She told me she feels I need more help.

She said that she thought I looked dead behind my eyes.

I smiled at her, I told her I thought I was.

I think I have taken as much as I can now.

I told her I felt I was free falling.

I’d lost hope of ever having a life.

I felt empty.

I had nothing to go on for.

No reason to go on.

No where to go, couldn’t stay here in the long term – watch him remarry, couldn’t move home where his family live.

No roots, no future, no reason.

She told me she thought I couldn’t go on like this.

She told me she would help me all she could.

She said that I had to push on and try to find meaning.

She said to carry on with my boxing.

I want one day to feel not emotionally dead.

I want to find meaning.

I want a life.

I want a future.

But I worry.

I worry that I’m going to carry on, live with the pain everyday and get back nothing. Never meet anyone, watch him remarry, watch him have kids. No one will ever want me. I don’t want to carry on for nothing.

I forgot to research PTSD, I’m not sure of how much I’m feeling is due to that.

The pain seems to override everything, consume it in white hot flame.

I want there to be something more than the pain.

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2 thoughts on “Dead behind the eyes!!

  1. Keep writing and working your way through it. Every day. You’re inching closer, whether or not you realize it.

    This makes me smile. Not because you hurt. I hate that you hurt. But because the relief of being pain-free is sweetest for those who suffer the most.

    And that relief is coming for you. Peace. Happiness. Love.

    For you. In time. Look forward to it like a child looks forward to Christmas.

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