5 months – where have i been and where am i now?


We met and school at 11. I told my family at 12 that we where going to get married, made it official at 17.

First and only boyfriend, first and only love, first and only lover. He was my world.

On the 20th of April I received a phone call from a friend, it was telling me that dipstick was getting hot and heavy with a work mate in our car.

The call came at midnight, I believed he was out at a work do.

The few days that followed that where filled with denial and hope. In retrospect dipstick was playing a game of wait and see, hedging bets and weighing options.

He told me half truths and some total lies. I stuffed my head in the sand and desperately tried to morph myself into a Stepford wife.

I got signed off work for a month or 2 and spent any moment spent alone sobbing on the floor.

After a few days dipstick and IT decided they where going to make a go of it. They also decided that they wanted our flat and all of my possessions. They wanted me to leave with just a bag.

They decided the best way to do this was to mentally torture me.

For the following few weeks he would spend the days with her and the nights with me.

I was weak, so so so weak. I would make dinner for him while he would tell me about the sex he had with her, dinner to introduce him to her family, underwear she would wear for him.

After hearing all this we would go to the bed that we have slept in for the last 9 years. Some nights we would have sex. I hoped my Stepford wife act would win him back. I was so so weak but I tried so hard to make him see how much I loved him.

I was told I was fat, ugly, unloveable, cold, mean, that he was sick of me, that he had not been happy for years. He made it clear now undesirable I was.

I spent these weeks cleaning him clothes and making his dinners. Sex on tap. I have since found out that he told her he was sleeping in the spare bed. He must have been having a great old time.

When it became clear that getting me to leave the flat wasn’t working they had to have a rethink. He told me of 2 options that they were playing with.

One was to stop the merger financial support (£150 a month) It was small but was allowing me to buy food. The other option was to move her in – oh yes people they where thinking of her turning up with her bags.

I made it clear if he stopped paying me I would make his life difficult (I assume he wants to marry her ASAP) and if he moved her in I would dismantle her piece by piece in a visceral display of satisfying violence.

At this point they admitted defeat. They decided to get there own place, he started staying on a friends sofa while they looked.

Then like magic he became the most caring lovely man.

He would come to what was now my flat to eat, he would also have sex and I would clean his clothes.

So so so fucking weak.

At this point I tried to end my life.

They got their place.

He have no reason to see each other.

He emails and texts me – he loves me, he thinks about me.

I had to move out of mine.

I rushed a choice and have ended up living with a unstable man twice my age.

It’s been a learning curve.

I’m learning that I can rely on NO ONE.

I’m in therapy every week.

I take antidepressants.

I have panic attacks.

I have no idea where my life is going.

I feel like I have no direction in my life.

I feel rootless.

In the last few days I have faced the 5 month mark.

I haven’t wanted to acknowledge it, and because of that I am.

It seems that every single instinct I have had during this time had been wrong, so I have decided to do the exact opposite of what I want.


My husband is living with and having sex with another women (the sex part has been happening for 9 months so I’m told).

He doesn’t want me. He actively tried to hurt me – repeatedly.

He is becoming a part of my past.

My therapist has explained a lot to me.

I’m learning a lot about domestic abuse, the mental variety.

He stopped me seeing my family.

He was controlling.

For the last few years his unhappiness manifested itself in some really mean ways.

I’m not saying this was intentional.

I spent so much time, money and energy trying to please him I lost myself.

So here’s the stuff that’s difficult to admit.

I could have been a better wife.

In the early years I could have managed my homesickness better.

I should have made more of an effort to get us time in.

I saw this coming in the months before and buried it.

We didn’t have any shared interests.

He wasn’t interested in me.

I think I made him unhappy.

I have no friends.

So what have I discovered about me in these 5 months.

I like boxing. I go twice a week.

The people around me saw this coming and are reaching out.

I miss him sometimes.

I miss being in a couple more.

I have a intense dislike of bullies that sparks my very dormant anger.

I’m capable of building friendships.

I like time alone.

I like spicy food.

I miss my family and I’m slowly building bridges with my siblings.

The thought of having sex with someone else freaks me out.

I’m grappling with PTSD and depression.

I’m sorry for the super long post but I feel I need it.

I’m 5 months old single.

I don’t know where my life is going but ill get there.

I managed to write this whole thing with out crying!


One thought on “5 months – where have i been and where am i now?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s