To my dear Dipstick
I’ve been to see my therapist today and its been a bit of a difficult session. After a long chat we decided that I should write you a letter. You see for the last few weeks I’ve been struggling with something new – my anger. It’s becoming a bit of a beast, it rears its head at the most unexpected of times. I’m taking things out on people that don’t deserve it, people that have been there for me when I was really low.
Therapist thinks I need you to feel my pain, I WANT you to feel my pain. You have caused me more pain than I thought it was possible to inflict on a soul. I always measured pain in broken bones and bruised skin but you caused me more pain than a thought it was possible for someone to contain.
I didn’t love you the first time I met you but It was soon after, I loved you when you where 12 and had bright blonde hair, I loved you when you where covered in puppy fat and I loved you when you pulled my hair. I loved you when you broken my locker and I loved you when you threw balls of paper at me. I loved you when you walked me to school and I loved you when you asked me to be your girlfriend. I loved you when I kissed you for the first time – my first real kiss. I thought my heart would burst when the day finally came and I was yours and you where mine.
Looking back I started changing for you early on. I was so young, far far too young for such love. My family – you didn’t like them, you looked down on them for being poor – you assumed that made them bad people. My dad is the most amazing man, so so kind, you never gave him a chance.
In the end it made it easier if I went along with what you wanted. I worshiped the ground you walked on and spent all my time trying to make you happy and please you.
I took an overdose you know?! I reached my limit, I couldn’t take anymore. I wanted it over, the pain, my hurt and this non life that I had been left with.
You took my life and you made it a bomb site.
You ruined me, you treated me like I was disposable, like I didn’t matter.
I gave you honesty,fidelity,love and my life, my soul. Why wasn’t I enough for you?
But I guess I’m never going to get an answer to that.
My therapist has explained some things to me, has me researching others.
Your unhappiness manifested itself in some really vile ways.
You should have just left me 9 months ago when you realised you had feelings for her, before the sex started you should have gone.
You should have taken more responsibility for things.
You shouldn’t have hurt me, why did you do it?
Why did you stop me seeing my family?
Why did you make me feel so so small?
Why did you treat me like I was less than human?
I hurt so much but I feel like the tide is turning, I will grow.
I will become stronger.
I don’t think I will meet anyone else.
I loved you with everything I was.
But I’m not what I was anymore.
I see you.
I see you for the lost little boy you are.
I see you for the petulant child that hides just beyond the surface.
I’m not in love with you anymore.
I wouldn’t take you back anymore, if you came back there would be pause.
There would be thought.
I have love for you but I’m not in love with you – remember when you told me that, well dipstick the feeling is mutual.