Today’s a day off work so I have had lots of time on my hands.
I’ve been doing 24 hours of thinking and a tiny bit of drinking.
I had a conversation with a friend last night.
She went through a divorce 2 years ago.
She is now looking at starting a new relationship.
Am I going to be alone for 2 years.
I don’t want to be alone for 2 years.
I feel like I have wasted so much time already.
What if I’m alone for years??
This has lead me to think about 2 things.
Love and mistakes.
I’m worried that no one will love me again.
I don’t want the same thing to happen again.
I won’t survive it again.
I’m not convinced I’ll survive this.
So what did I do wrong?
I thought about this for the last 24 hours, I haven’t slept.
I’ve been reading a blog called His Giant Mistake.
I’ve started at the beginning so I don’t know how it ends yet. There is an amazing entry called ‘dating your divorced self’.
Read it if you get the chance.
It helped me a little.
My mistakes –
I accepted too much
I should have told him I wanted more affection.
I became a little quite and sad.
Maybe even a little resentful.
I wanted him to love me as much as I loved him, I think I knew in my heart he didn’t.
He told me he didn’t believe in unconditional love.
I loved him too much.
I loved him with everything I was.
I fell in love when I was 12.
Maybe love like that is never meant to last into adulthood.
I loved him unconditionally.
I loved him so much that I lost sight of myself!!
Is that what love is? And that’s not a rhetorical question. I want to know!!
I never questioned that all of our money went on his hobbies.
I never questioned when he went out with IT for ‘photography lessons’ (that turned out to be code for fucking in car parks).
I never asked for anything for myself.
All I wanted was for him to be happy.
I gave 100% of my life to him.
I was 100% loyal and faithful to him.
I have bee an utter love blind dick.
I became boring because I became a void, something that became 100% about him.
I gave and gave and gave ad asked for nothing but unconditional love – the one thing he couldn’t give me.
I loved him wrong.
I really believe this now.
I loved him too much – if that’s possible.
I loved him like a child.
Selfless – asking for nothing.
I see it as a child running down a grassy hill.
A child runs as fast as they can.
All arms and legs flailing.
No care about getting hurt, they are nt looking for danger.
Just caught up in the giggle and fun.
Just running because its what come naturally.
An adult runs down a hill with care.
They know the pain of falling, they want to avoid it.
They look for obstacles in their way, checking they aren’t going to trip and fall.
I don’t think I will ever love like this again. I don’t think it’s right anyway, so so much pain – how can that be right?
It scares me though, what if nothing compares to the good times?
One thing I do know – I’m going to be asking for more!!