One decision made, still thinking about the other .

I have finally made the choice regarding if i should see dipsticks mother and sister.

I’m going to do it!

I’m still thinking about if i should give them my address or not?!

I feel calm today – not sunny beach calm but eyes of the storm calm.

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

I’ve developed a method that when ever i start to think about –

him, her, them, my shared past, my pain, the night he would tell me ‘stuff about them’,

I think about a metal vault door slamming shut.

I cant let myself do it anymore.

The issue is it leaves me numb.

I feel dead inside.

I feel like there’s a caged tiger inside me.

When this first happened everyone asked why i was not angry, people i spoke to that had been through the same thing then said i would get angry.

I didn’t get angry, but now i feel odd.

I don’t FEEL angry but i feel like i’m full of anger.

I feel like a caged tiger lives in me.

I feel like the caged tiger is angry, hungry, crazed, bored, hurt, possessed, on edge and damaged.

I feel like shes got bits missing.

She just wants to run and run and run.

She wants to rip and claw and bite and pull things to shreds with her claws.

She wants to roar till her throat burns and her whole world is silent.

Silent and every other being has stopped and is still.

She wants peace.

She wants not to be caged.

She wants to run.

She wants to free.

Sometimes she wants to be alone and sometimes she wants to be with others.

She wants not to hurt.

She wants peace.

Shes looking for the bits that are missing from her, she knows somethings missing.

She doesn’t know what and she doesn’t know where to find them.

She is so hurt.

 

I can sense her anger but i don’t seem to FEEL it.

I sense her pain and i just want her to feel better.

I sense her unease and just want to calm her.

 

I feel numb.

 

Dicing with danger or a good idea?

A friend spoke to me today, suggested I went on a date?!

Considering the place I have been in recently this idea hadn’t even entered my head.

I actually laughed when he said it but his reaction to my giggling made me think.

‘Mandy I’m not saying go have sex with someone, I’m saying go out for dinner with someone. Have a laugh, let someone make you feel valued. Join a dating site, remember that the globe is still turning. You think the end has ended, there’s lots of world out there Mandy, maybe you need to be reminded of that. Just remember don’t have sex with anyone.’

I’ve downloaded a dating website app.

I’m going to have a play with it.

Buying in even if I’m not convinced.

After taking a few days to think over my new therapy session I have decided to buy into it.

My new therapist told me that my last one had told her that he couldn’t give me the support I needed. I respect that, it’s not always easy to go to a superior and admit that you need help. He told her I need more regular and longer sessions – he couldn’t do this so she’s taking over.

She called me into her office and BAM – she was a total breath of fresh air.

I’ve never been in therapy before so my last therapist is the yard stick to measure against. I don’t know which one of these is the normal way therapist go about business, but then again I suppose that therapist are all different – like regular people ๐Ÿ™‚

The first guy I saw treated me with absolute kid gloves in the 30/45 minutes I got to see him every month. He was soft spoken and gentle and totally non confrontational. I assumed that is what therapy is always like, someone softly speaking to you with a sad smile.

New lady blew that out of the water in 10 minutes. I still feel a little shell shocked by the meeting.

Her first worlds to me went a little something like this –

‘Mandy I’ve read all (first therapists) notes, I get the gist of what’s going on. Now let me tell you, you are going to see me every week and I’m going to help you out the other side of this. It’s going to be hard Mandy, it’s not going to be particularly pleasant BUT what’s happened to you has happened to lots of other women and they have all made it. Your also holding down a full time job, this wont be easy.

Mandy this is too big of a situation to deal with all in one go. I wouldn’t normally do this but considering your situation I’m going to ask you to compartmentalise it. We are going to deal with it a little at a time together. Stop thinking about what to do at the end of the 6 months house share, stop thinking about what you feel you have lost. I’m going to give you tasks to complete each week.

You are going to have to buy into this and help yourself. Your not mad, your not so broken that you won’t heal, everything takes time’

I don’t think she owns any kid gloves ๐Ÿ™‚

My home work this week.

Start functioning independently at the most basic level

1 – stop accepting lifts to and from work. Get myself there and back.

2 – cook my own dinner unless going out for a meal, or at a friends house. Stop relying on house share to cook.

3 – start going shopping for food and household items again (fear of seeing them in the local supermarket together gives me panic attacks).

Looking at these I can’t believe how basic these things are, but I’m buying in. I’m going them, I’ve been shopping twice (when I know they are at work) and have made my own dinner every night.

I feel like a bit of a child really but I’m putting my trust in her. Something has to change soon, I’m hoping this is it.

Just a bit of advice – don’t fall in love when your 12!!

Today’s a day off work so I have had lots of time on my hands.

I’ve been doing 24 hours of thinking and a tiny bit of drinking.

I had a conversation with a friend last night.

She went through a divorce 2 years ago.

She is now looking at starting a new relationship.

2 YEARS…..

Am I going to be alone for 2 years.

I don’t want to be alone for 2 years.

I feel like I have wasted so much time already.

What if I’m alone for years??

This has lead me to think about 2 things.

Love and mistakes.

I’m worried that no one will love me again.

I don’t want the same thing to happen again.

I won’t survive it again.

I’m not convinced I’ll survive this.

So what did I do wrong?

I thought about this for the last 24 hours, I haven’t slept.

I’ve been reading a blog called His Giant Mistake.

I’ve started at the beginning so I don’t know how it ends yet. There is an amazing entry called ‘dating your divorced self’.

Read it if you get the chance.

It helped me a little.

My mistakes –

I accepted too much

I should have told him I wanted more affection.

I became a little quite and sad.

Maybe even a little resentful.

I wanted him to love me as much as I loved him, I think I knew in my heart he didn’t.

He told me he didn’t believe in unconditional love.

I loved him too much.

I loved him with everything I was.

I fell in love when I was 12.

Maybe love like that is never meant to last into adulthood.

I loved him unconditionally.

I loved him so much that I lost sight of myself!!

Is that what love is? And that’s not a rhetorical question. I want to know!!

I never questioned that all of our money went on his hobbies.

I never questioned when he went out with IT for ‘photography lessons’ (that turned out to be code for fucking in car parks).

I never asked for anything for myself.

All I wanted was for him to be happy.

I gave 100% of my life to him.

I was 100% loyal and faithful to him.

I have bee an utter love blind dick.

I became boring because I became a void, something that became 100% about him.

I gave and gave and gave ad asked for nothing but unconditional love – the one thing he couldn’t give me.

I loved him wrong.

I really believe this now.

I loved him too much – if that’s possible.

I loved him like a child.

Selfless – asking for nothing.

I see it as a child running down a grassy hill.

A child runs as fast as they can.

All arms and legs flailing.

No care about getting hurt, they are nt looking for danger.

Just caught up in the giggle and fun.

Just running because its what come naturally.

An adult runs down a hill with care.

They know the pain of falling, they want to avoid it.

They look for obstacles in their way, checking they aren’t going to trip and fall.

I don’t think I will ever love like this again. I don’t think it’s right anyway, so so much pain – how can that be right?

It scares me though, what if nothing compares to the good times?

One thing I do know – I’m going to be asking for more!!

Confession of the day!

I still sleep hugging dipsticks pillow. It still smells of him.

This make me feel weak.

How and why are we capable of loving those who hurt us so badly.

Why can’t we switch it off when we reach a certain threshold of pain?

But I don’t tell anyone about this, I think they would look at me like I’m mad.

Still clinging to someone who hurt me in every way it’s possible to hurt someone.

And my biggest confession? Cut the bullshit and the bravado.

If he turned up at my door today and begged forgiveness I’d probably take him back.

As I drift off tonight I pray (I have faith, not in a totally religious way, I’m not sure who I’m praying to if I’m bring honest!).

I pray that tomorrow I’m stronger.

I’m praying that I wouldn’t think about taking back a man who did this to me.

I feel weak but its honest.

No Internet and little bro!

In new house share, will not have Internet till the end of the month.

I sleep by streaming NCIS on my iPad.

Looks like I won’t be sleeping for a while.

I can’t login to WordPress on my phone! I will only be able to post via email for the next 2 weeks.

No face timing with little bro.

I’m not amused!

I waved my amazing mother off this morning. She has been a true blessing in the last 3 days. Se has dragged me along when all I have wanted to do it lay on the bathroom floor.

In my new en-suite I have a large shower! So if I feel like mixing it up I can do some crying on the shower floor! Ill be clean and it might hide the noise from housemate. I’ve got options at least.

Mother has decided to send little bro down for the last week of his summer holiday. I’ve been promising he can visit for years but dipstick always said no, so it didn’t happen.

Well surprise surprise his visit falls on what would have been mine and dipsticks anniversary (I know it’s not official but I’ve stopped counting now). For the days of the 27th and 28th of August I had some hardcore sobbing, drinking and deep depression planed. Well that’s out the window now.

Bless them for pretending to be surprised when I told them.

Really Mandy? Oh we didn’t know. We’ve told him now and he’s so excited! You will still have him won’t you?

Little bro was young when i moved away. I remember him standing at the top of the stairs only 4 or 5 sobbing for me. Holding his little arms out begging me not to go.

I missed him so much.

I missed him growing up.

Mum has asked me to creat a itinerary for the week and send it to her. She wants days out planned in advanced and budgets created.

If I didn’t know better I’d say she was trying to keep me busy in the week before he arrives.

I don’t care that its obviously been set up for me.

I miss him and I’ll enjoy the distraction.

Complication from house share!

Got a text from house mate.

He asked me if I wanted to ‘take our relationship to the next level’.

I’m utterly furious.

We had this conversation!

He’s double my age.

I now feel so self aware.

I’m torn up inside and now I have this to deal with.

I don’t feel comfy at house share now.

I’m so pissed off.

I can’t take this stress as well.

House-share

I’ve now signed the papers on a house share.

When I put out word I was looking for somewhere to live I got a phone call.

It’s was a gent I have known and worked with for 7 years. I haven’t known him extremely well but he’s a kind hearted man and best friends with my manager.

Manager had mentioned me in conversation due to what I was going through. He found out in November that his wife has been seeing another man.

He knows what I’m going through. He asked if I wanted to do a house share. He had found a property very close to work and someone else had dropped out.

It’s 3 bed (spare room for my family to come stay, and for his son to come stay once a month) and my room is ensuite.

Pros

Ensuite bedroom.
Housemate that knows what I’m going through and isn’t going to ask questions when I lay crying on the sofa. Won’t have to get bus to work, it’s in walking distance.
Saving enough money to start a little nest egg (ยฃ40 to my name at the moment). A bit of company in quite moments.

Cons

This guy is double my age.
I feel odd about sharing with a guy.
Gossip at work.
Hoping he doesn’t make a pass at me.

Ok so all of the above cons seem like my hang ups and anyway I’ve done it now.

I’ve signed for 6 month.

I’ve had a chat with manager about it, she thinks its a great idea and I trust her.

I made a bit of a fool of myself I think. I had the whole ‘you get this is purely a money saving/platonic thing right’ conversation with him. He’s one for a bit of banter but I hope he understands this. I’ve made it clear.

This is the first adult choice I have made by myself in my whole life.

I’ve probably done the wrong thing but its my choice. We work different shifts and have different days off so its not like will see loads of each other.

In 6 months time I can then think about moving back home if I want. Dipstick and The Thing now live 40 minutes away.

He wanted to know where I was moving to. I’ve told him the town and also the supermarket I will be using. He said he will try to stay away, I hope he does. I need time to heal.

Choice has been made – but not by me.

i have decided i need to remove all drink from my life – at least for a while. I might have ONE if i go out with friends but other than that I’m not going to drink on my own anymore. It seems to lead me to such a dark place and i don’t need any help with that.

I have spoken to my parents this morning and they have spoken to my landlady and between them they have decided what to do with me!

I feel like a child, my idea was to stay in my flat by myself and magically find a way to afford it, whilst laying on the sofa all day crying and watching NCIS. I’m being told i cant do this. On the plus side the landlady has refused his request to move in here once i’m out.

I guess this is really happening. I guess he’s really going to move in with her, i guess that they are in love.

I feel utter worthless.

Whenย i could lay on the sofa all day whilst watching G from NCSI-LA always beating the bad guy i feel like i lose myself for a while. I forget the pain for 5 secs at a time.

I see I am acting like a child.

My stuff has to be out of here on the 16th. 6 days to clear my stuff out. My parents want me to go home. I’m not going to. I have no friends left there. In moments of clarity i feel i need to build something of my own.

I didn’t realize how much control he has over me, over my money, over me having friends, over what i wore, over what i thought, over how i acted.

I have nothing of my own.

I met him when i was 11.

When i was 12 i went home and told my dad i met my future husband.

When we where 17 /18 we started a proper relationship.

I was over the moon

I’m now 26 and i have nothing to show for the best years of my life.

How do i remove me from my mind?

From my heart?

I’m going to try to find somewhere to live today.

I’m going to try to do it by myself.

I’ve never done anything by myself.