House share messes with my fledging social life!

Just got a call from boxing buddy.

I am pissed off!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you have been following my blog you will know what when I was at my weakest the man I was arranging a house share with called me one night. He said that he ‘wanted to take things further’.

Up until that point he had been a supportive friend, who at double my age I saw as a father figure.

At the time he was sleeping with another lady I work with.

This in my book made him a double shit. Not only did he want a move when I was at my most vulnerable but he had a girlfriend.

If I had not given my notice on my lovely but expensive flat I would have called off house share.

So boxing buddy calls, she was meant to be popping round for lunch before boxing.

She doesn’t want to come anymore – to the boxing or lunch or my house.

She got a call from house share – he wants to start a relationship with her. She the same age as me. She handled it really well. Told him that he’s too old and she just wants to be friends.

Well he’s girlfriend found out about this and is now making boxing buddy’s life hell.

WTF!!!!!!!!

Boxing buddy never asked for this.

House shares girlfriend has not confronted him, she just being a shit to boxing buddy.

Boxing buddy won’t be coming to my house again and I can’t drive do I can’t go to hers!!!

House share won’t ask girlfriend to lay off!!

PISSED OFF.

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Eharmony, GTA and finding my path.

My life over the last 2 days has consisted of 2 things.

Eharmony and GTA.

One sweet and one sour.

One about the future and one about the past.

I have discovered over the last few days that I can now manage to juggle these simultaneously. A few weeks ago thinking of the past would drag me down to a dark place, all thinking of my current situation would disappear.

I’d sink down to a dark place, I’d be surrounded by decay, darkness, thoughts of black Thursday. The past would crowd me while at the same time I would be utterly surrounded by emptiness. The void that exists in my life would threaten to envelope me.

Now though I manage to exist between the two worlds.

Less dark cellar full of decay and death, more dark cellar full of old boxes and the occasional bear trap.

I feel like I’m straddling my past and future. I replied to sister in laws text, I apologised for the time it’s taken to respond and said I would like to met up.

I’ve also said I would like to write to his mother. I know this isn’t everyone’s choice but I’m a little curious as to see what she has to say.

My therapist talking to me about DV has really shaken something out of me. I seem a little more balanced. I’m thinking about thinks in a different way.

Eharmony

I’ve started with the free profile with plans to upgrade when I’m paid.

I’m enjoying it.

I have a few mail I can’t read due to being a non paying member but its interesting talking to people when I can’t see there pictures. I’m thinking if my views are going to change when I can see them.

GTA

I preordered the new GTA for dickhead before the separation.

He took his preorder slip when he moved out.

I however took the play station.

Seeing all the adverts had made me think of him constantly in the lasts few days.

I can honestly say

-I miss him.
-I have love for him.
-His unhappiness manifested in some very nasty behavioural traits.
-In the last few years I was made to pay for his unhappiness.
-I don’t think his treatment of me was intentional.
-I handled things all wrong.
-I will never let anyone chip away at my confidence, self esteem and self belief ever again (once they are all built back up)
-In my turmoil at my inability to ‘fix things’ I buried my head in the sand and let go you myself.
-I will never be the person I was.
-I should never have to change myself to please someone.
-I WANT to work on losing a little weight and toning up (not because I’m being call fat, ugly and useless but because this is what I want for myself)
-I think I might just make it.
-I don’t have to deal with any of the legal stuff for a while (neither of us have any money)
-By the time I have to deal with the legal stuff I think I will be ready.
-I’m massively thankful to the people that have helped me along the way.

I think I have found my path now or at least the well worn track to the path.

I’m not fixed or healed or even happy but I think I might just make it.

Tiny grenades!

Just as I’m starting to find my feet I’ve checked my inbox and found an email from dipstick.

I assume its a reply to the email I sent him some weeks ago.

I kinda hoped it fell into his spam and he didn’t see it.

Damn my moment of weakness.

I haven’t read it, I can’t!!

But now it’s sitting in my inbox like some tiny grenade waiting to blow up and cut me to pieces.

I can’t delete it either.

Up to this point I had a good day.

Hadn’t really thought of him much!

Shit shit shit shit!

Mind = Blow

Therapy blew my mind yesterday, 10 minutes before the end of the session she said

‘What does domestic violence mean to you’

‘I suppose a quivering women with 2 black eyes scrubbing socks on a wash board’

‘Im going read you something and I want you to tell me what you think

“The actual violence was more emotional. It was very subtle, little put downs. He started controlling the money. I wouldn’t have any money to buy things for myself. If I spoke I was talking rubbish and wasn’t allowed to speak. He used the car to have power over me. He hated me having contact with my family. He said I was clumsy. He picked my clothes. He said know one would want me”

‘Well what do you think’

I couldn’t speak, tears fell, my mind wouldn’t stop spinning.

‘Read this book and we will chat more next time, remember this is all to much to deal with at once. One think at a time’

There to much to think about, I never considered DV before.

Homework this week

Read my DV book.
Study for a course my work have set up for me.
Do some overtime at work if possible.
Text sister in law back.

Boxing went amazingly. I’m going to keep going. It makes me feel like I have some power.

Lost and caged

My last post opened up more than I thought.

I had a bit of a panic attack after writing it.

Had to have a diazepam and a nap.

I feel disjointed and disconnected.

I’ve got therapy and boxing tomorrow so I’m hoping that’s going to help.

I feel like I’m standing in the middle of tornado.

The remnants of my old life are whirling around me.

At one point ill see a old photo fly past followed by a old CD that sparks a memory.

My life is a minefield, every text from dipstick is a little grenade.

My little house of cards is obliterated by every little grenade, every word like a little knife stabbing me in the eye, the heart.

After waking from my nap I’ve curled up on the sofa with a blanket and tea.

I’ve put my copy of Bridget Jones on.

The crying in the bath scenes reminds me of my own bath crying.

On the plus side I see Bridget was mid 30s before she met her Mark.

That means I’ve got 10 years!!

I need to change my life.

I need to move on.

I need to connect with my anger.

One decision made, still thinking about the other .

I have finally made the choice regarding if i should see dipsticks mother and sister.

I’m going to do it!

I’m still thinking about if i should give them my address or not?!

I feel calm today – not sunny beach calm but eyes of the storm calm.

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

I’ve developed a method that when ever i start to think about –

him, her, them, my shared past, my pain, the night he would tell me ‘stuff about them’,

I think about a metal vault door slamming shut.

I cant let myself do it anymore.

The issue is it leaves me numb.

I feel dead inside.

I feel like there’s a caged tiger inside me.

When this first happened everyone asked why i was not angry, people i spoke to that had been through the same thing then said i would get angry.

I didn’t get angry, but now i feel odd.

I don’t FEEL angry but i feel like i’m full of anger.

I feel like a caged tiger lives in me.

I feel like the caged tiger is angry, hungry, crazed, bored, hurt, possessed, on edge and damaged.

I feel like shes got bits missing.

She just wants to run and run and run.

She wants to rip and claw and bite and pull things to shreds with her claws.

She wants to roar till her throat burns and her whole world is silent.

Silent and every other being has stopped and is still.

She wants peace.

She wants not to be caged.

She wants to run.

She wants to free.

Sometimes she wants to be alone and sometimes she wants to be with others.

She wants not to hurt.

She wants peace.

Shes looking for the bits that are missing from her, she knows somethings missing.

She doesn’t know what and she doesn’t know where to find them.

She is so hurt.

 

I can sense her anger but i don’t seem to FEEL it.

I sense her pain and i just want her to feel better.

I sense her unease and just want to calm her.

 

I feel numb.

 

Back online but disconnected.

First of all thanks for the lovely comments I’ve had recently.

I’m struggling like mad at the moment.

Had a call from mum today.

She and dad are glad that my new therapist is pushing me.

They say this is what ii need.

They say that I’m stuck and need help moving on.

Looks like they are not happy with my ‘rate of healing’.

9 years – 9 years – 9 years.

April 20th my world ended.

People are not happy that I’m still sad.

People think i should be healing better because of what he did.

They think i should hate him.

I missed boxing today due to the fact I’ve hurt my calf.

I’m going Thursday – i need the release.

Feel like i want to start screaming at the top of my voice.

 

Why and how?

Why is it last night I was feeling pretty ok.

Downloading a dating app, thinking maybe I might like to go on a date – then today I’m feeling so so sad.

I felt like staying in bed this morning instead of going to work.

I feel like my life is over, like I have no future. It’s like I’d be better off ending it all.

Why?????

There’s been no contact between me being okish last night and on the floor this morning.

I think I’m booking in for a cry on the bathroom floor when I get home.

Can’t focus, can’t see past what’s happened. I feel so utterly lost again this morning.

Is this the natural up and down of my life now because if it is I don’t want it.

Why do I spend so much of my life so sad and wishing I wast here.

I have a dark secret thought that hounds me when I feel low.

I wish I had died in my sleep on the 19th of April.

I would have been happy and not know this pain.

But I didn’t and I do so I suppose I better stop hiding in the ladies loo and go do some work before I drive myself deeper down.

Still not decided about dipsticks family.

😦

Dicing with danger or a good idea?

A friend spoke to me today, suggested I went on a date?!

Considering the place I have been in recently this idea hadn’t even entered my head.

I actually laughed when he said it but his reaction to my giggling made me think.

‘Mandy I’m not saying go have sex with someone, I’m saying go out for dinner with someone. Have a laugh, let someone make you feel valued. Join a dating site, remember that the globe is still turning. You think the end has ended, there’s lots of world out there Mandy, maybe you need to be reminded of that. Just remember don’t have sex with anyone.’

I’ve downloaded a dating website app.

I’m going to have a play with it.