Struggling today!

Had a good day yesterday!

Today though I can’t seem to break out of this mood.

Keep going to dark places! Can’t stop thinking of them together!

Why is the human mind so cruel?

I hate this ‘new’ life I have.

It’s so small, I feel so small.

I feel alone.

I don’t see meaning, I don’t see a future!

I don’t see how I’m going to make it through this.

House share wants to meet for a coffee. He tried to make me dinner for 2 nights in a row.

I’m so wary of him now. I don’t like myself when I feel like that. He’s a good person but I feel that he’s ruined it.

Him asking me ‘to take things further’ was way out of line. I’m looking for meaning in everything he says it does.

I don’t enjoy spending time with him.

There’s a elephant In the room.

I hate this life I live now.

I’m feeling shit.

I miss him.

Some people from work persuaded me to go out for a few drinks tonight.

Meds seem to impact the effect of drink.

I only had 3 but I’m a bit drunk.

It’s Monday tomorrow

He will text me. He always texts me Monday to Friday 9 to 5. She works in a different part of the building. Sometimes I wonder if she knows how much he contacts me.

I miss him.

I hate sleeping alone.

I miss him so much that my chest aches.

I miss him so much, with every cell.

I feel overwhelmed with my sadness tonight.

I feel so sad. I miss him.

I want a hug.

Been drinking and feel sad.

Can’t stop thinking about everything he said! I’ve been drinking. I feel totally messed up. Can’t believe he is being so nice now. Feel so lost, I miss him.

I’ve moved all my stuff to the house share now.

I didn’t ask for any of this.
I miss him.
I can’t believe he has done this to me,
I’m happy he still ‘has love’ for me.
I want to still be friends with him but I’m scared I will never move on. I so sad all of the time.

I’m just so sad, I don’t want to be sad anymore!

The Memory Warehouse.

memory

I’m meant to be looking for somewhere to live but after 10 minutes of looking its pretty clear that I’m not going to find a nice place of my own for my budget.

So 2 choices – either house share or a crappy scummy flat above a shop somewhere.

Choices, choice – well I’m going to go for a walk soon and have a think but that’s not what this post is about.

While packing my stuff i found a book that Dipstick (that what i’m going to call him from now on) brought for me about 9 months ago – Just about the time he started shagging her.

It saying in it ‘love you xxx’ it made me think. did he mean this at the time he wrote this?

I sat for a while and started thinking about the book itself.

Dream-catcher by Stephen King

The memory warehouse – i always loved the idea.

I wish i could climb up into mine and remove every piece of him.

But having sat here for a while – i was 11 when we met – how much would be left?

Not a lot i imagine!!

How many of my shelves would have nothing but spiders and cob webs filling them.

I genuinely feel like he is such a large piece of my life that has now gone.

How do i get past this?

I think of him a million times a day.

I wish i could open my memory warehouse and throw a Molotov cocktail in there.

I wish i could wake up and not remember any of him!

Choice has been made – but not by me.

i have decided i need to remove all drink from my life – at least for a while. I might have ONE if i go out with friends but other than that I’m not going to drink on my own anymore. It seems to lead me to such a dark place and i don’t need any help with that.

I have spoken to my parents this morning and they have spoken to my landlady and between them they have decided what to do with me!

I feel like a child, my idea was to stay in my flat by myself and magically find a way to afford it, whilst laying on the sofa all day crying and watching NCIS. I’m being told i cant do this. On the plus side the landlady has refused his request to move in here once i’m out.

I guess this is really happening. I guess he’s really going to move in with her, i guess that they are in love.

I feel utter worthless.

When i could lay on the sofa all day whilst watching G from NCSI-LA always beating the bad guy i feel like i lose myself for a while. I forget the pain for 5 secs at a time.

I see I am acting like a child.

My stuff has to be out of here on the 16th. 6 days to clear my stuff out. My parents want me to go home. I’m not going to. I have no friends left there. In moments of clarity i feel i need to build something of my own.

I didn’t realize how much control he has over me, over my money, over me having friends, over what i wore, over what i thought, over how i acted.

I have nothing of my own.

I met him when i was 11.

When i was 12 i went home and told my dad i met my future husband.

When we where 17 /18 we started a proper relationship.

I was over the moon

I’m now 26 and i have nothing to show for the best years of my life.

How do i remove me from my mind?

From my heart?

I’m going to try to find somewhere to live today.

I’m going to try to do it by myself.

I’ve never done anything by myself.

Lost

I feel utterly lost

When he left me said he wanted to take nothing with him except his clothes.

This has now changed he’s now told me he wants

Sofa

Our bed – our fucking bed! She wants to sleep in our bed

He wants the fridge freezer

The TV, DVD, surround sound, play station,

Bedside tables

Lamps

Washing machine

Dishwasher

I don’t really care about any of it.

I just want him back

I’m so lost

I don’t understand why this is happening.

Shouldn’t be drinking!!

I’m pissed

I shouldn’t be drinking with these tablets. I only had 3.

I miss him

I hurt

I don’t understand what I did wrong

I’d trade my soul for him right now

I miss him

I don’t know how much longer I can take this pain

I hurt, every piece of me hurts.

What did I do wrong

I want him

I feel like screaming

He’s with her now

I feel like he’s taken a piece of me with him

I don’t feel whole anymore

I hurt

It hurts so much

I can’t take much more

Why doesn’t he want me

I’m still scared he will turn up with her and try to move her in

I’ve run our of drink

I could do with another

I can’t do this

I think I’m broken

Why cant i stop the tears?

Today i woke after dreaming of him.

It started as a lovely dream – he told me he loved me – then she walked in the room – he started telling me i was fat, ugly and that he hated me (all things he was told me during this horrific time)

I wake up and I’m crying

I cry from 7.30 am till 11.30 am – i cry in the shower, i cry on the bathroom floor, i cry on the kitchen floor.

I cant stop it, Why cant i stop it??????????

Everything hurts – when i heard of heart break before this i always thought it was emotional pain – i never knew that was an actual physical ache.

There’s an actual ache in my chest.

I don’t see how i can keep doing this.

For the rest of the day i’m surrounded by fog.

This is HELL

The first night i spent alone (lasted 5 hours)

A friends had come for have dinner with me so i wasn’t alone when he came and got his things.

He comes in –

 

I’m only going to be able to take what will fit in the car for now

OK 

I’ll be coming back to shower and eat most days so ill keep the key

OK

Is there any dinner?

Yer there’s extra pasta

Cool, is there enough for me to take in a pot for lunch tomorrow too?

Yer ill put it in Tupperware for you.. oh i baked you some flapjack too.

(yes people that’s right, i baked flapjacks from scratch so the man i had loved for the last 9 years could be full of energy to go shag someone else)

Thanks love. 

 

He sits and eats with me and my friend

We start talking about other things – the weather, the news – this is f**ked up.

My friends phone rings – there’s something up at home – she has to go – shes very very sorry.

So we are left alone.

He potters around the flat picking up the bits he needs.

He calls me to the front door – hes bits are ready, hes going.

I feel numb.

He turns back

 

Sorry i forgot my pillow

You cant have it

Sorry?

You cant take it

Its mine

I paid for it

Mandy its my pillow!

I don’t care

(I paid £70 for it but that’s not why i wants it. i don’t really know why, i have however drenched it in his aftershave)

I need it for my neck.

 

I don’t know why his need for the pillow sets me off but it does. i start crying, sobbing really. Hes crying then too, We both say things. He cant be unhappy so i can be happy. Things like this – we go on for about a hour.

In the end he gets up and leaves , hes late to meet her.

I lay on my bedroom floor and howl – its dramatic but true. I stop after a while, i manage to make it to the bed. I get undressed and lay on top on the duvet but on my side of the bed. I cant get in it for some reason i don’t know why. I cover myself with a blanket. I lay in the dark. I try to read, i cant. I try to sleep, i cant. I just lay and stare at the ceiling.

5 Hours later…………..

My mind is drifting

I keep thinking i can hear him.

I wish he would come back to me and tell me it was all a dream, that we loves me and wont ever leave me again.

I hear his key in the door.

I’m going mad

Only i’m not and hes here.

 

I was worried that you would do something stupid so i came back to check on you.

 

I’m broken, i sob – i wanted him and hes here and he doesn’t love me and hes not staying.

 

Oh love please stop that. Come here, let me tuck you in, why are you under that blanket, get under the duvet.

 

He tucks me in, its like i’m a child.

In the back of my mind i’m having issues relating this man to the monster that has been giving me sexual tips, comparing my performance to this girl.

He is so tender, as i lay there and cry. He gets me 2 teddies that live in the spare room. He tucks them in with me and sits on the edge of the bed. I’m sobbing now because i feel this is him letting go – there no bravado, hes so tender – hes killing me with it.  He strokes my hair. I realize i wish i could die right now, with him stroking my hair and me looking in to his eyes. If the world stopped right now i would be OK with that.

He gets up

I cant breath he is going to leave

He stands there and looks at me

 

I’m going to stay tonight OK? But i’m going to leave in the morning and i wont stay again.

 

I just nod. He gets under the duvet and hugs me.

I feel his breathing level out after a while and i feel him drift off.

A very dark part of me considers getting up and taking an overdose so i can end my life curled up with him. I can end just like this, his arm is wrapped around me i’m scared to move in case he wakes up. I never want this night to end. I don’t do the overdose thing but i don’t sleep – not a single wink – i take this night in – i remember every sigh, every stretch, every breath.

He wakes in the morning – he gets dressed, he sits on my side of the bed. He tucks me in again with the 2 teddies. He strokes my hair, he hugs me. He tells me to sleep if i can. He tells me to take care. He’ll see me when he comes back to shower and eat.

He gone.

He’s going to leave.

He is going to leave to stay on a friends sofa.

She still lives with her parents so he cant go there.

He will stay there until they find a place together.

I want to die – i cant do this.

I love him so so much.

Hes leaving me.

 

I gave him everything – my first and only love, my first and only lover, my life, my soul.

 

I have nothing – i hate myself.

I’m empty – I’m a shell.

I have no future.