Wasted energy!

I fell down the stairs yesterday.

Housemate had just gone out.

I luckily slipped back and went down on my bum – it could have been my head.

I was carrying a lot – a glass of water, mobile phone, sun glasses, handbag and book.

Half way through the fall I had one of those moments when I realised trying to stop it wasn’t helping. I gave in, I went with it.

I sat at the bottom of the stairs for awhile after. My arse was killing me, I was crying it hurt so bad. I just sat and cried.

I soon realised that sitting and crying and hurting wasn’t gonna help me get on with my day.

So I did a quick assessment.

Glass – not broken, but the contents was all over the stairs.

Book – not wet.

Phone – not wet or broken.

Handbag – contents over the floor but not broken.

Arse – hurt a lot!

Sun glasses – not broken.

After sitting for a while longer I realised the mess wasn’t going to clean itself up, crying didn’t seem to be helping much.

I got myself up and sat in the sofa for a while then picked everything up and cleaned the stairs.

I had a bit of a think while I cleaned up.

No one is going to pick me up.

No one is going to clean up my mess.

Crying isn’t helping me.

I need to be stronger if I can.

I’d also would like to thank everyone for their kind comments.

No one in my ‘real’ life knows I’m writing this, no one knows everything that’s happened. This has been such an outlet!

Hugs

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Hard day! Trying to cope.

Wow massively hard day so far and it’s only noon.

On the plus side I woke up and got out of bed with no tears, I then turn to the order of the day.

Packing!!

I have managed with relative ease this morning. Don’t get me wrong it’s not simple but I think I’m starting to except the pain as part of my everyday life. I’ve been waiting for the break in it. I’ve been waiting for it to ease off. It’s not. It still burning, still clawing at me but I’m starting to accept it. I’m feel lime I’m carrying it rather than it drowning me.

I just threw out all the Christmas decorations. 9 years worth of lovely Christmases all in the bin. I took the baubles with his name inscribed and put them in his boxes. He’s coming to get his stuff Monday.

This is the hardest thing I have had to do, I have taken all the memory boxes and I’m going to put them in storage, it’s too soon to throw them away. I’m trying to get rid of anything that remind me of him but that’s leaving me with less and less.

I miss him with every part of me, but he doesn’t want me.

On day I hope I find someone that wants to be with me for him, just how I am. But I feel so old.

I’m also coming to accept my failings.

I should have lost weight quicker for him.
I should have had sex 6/7 nights a week instead of 3/4.
I should have done more cleaning in the house.

These are all reasons he threw at me for leaving and I suppose I should accept I could have done more.

Despite everything I worry about him and I want him to be happy.

Granted I want to hunt her down and so some serious physical damage but I guess it takes 2 to tango.

I wonder if I will be happy one day. I hope i will.

I’ve never been an single as an adult, the last time I was single I was 16/17.

I feel like I’ve got a whole person to grow into.

It’s all a bit daunting really.

On the plus side I have found somewhere to live for the next 6 months

I wonder how ill feel in 6 months. I hope I’ve stopped crying everyday.