Lost

I feel utterly lost

When he left me said he wanted to take nothing with him except his clothes.

This has now changed he’s now told me he wants

Sofa

Our bed – our fucking bed! She wants to sleep in our bed

He wants the fridge freezer

The TV, DVD, surround sound, play station,

Bedside tables

Lamps

Washing machine

Dishwasher

I don’t really care about any of it.

I just want him back

I’m so lost

I don’t understand why this is happening.

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Shouldn’t be drinking!!

I’m pissed

I shouldn’t be drinking with these tablets. I only had 3.

I miss him

I hurt

I don’t understand what I did wrong

I’d trade my soul for him right now

I miss him

I don’t know how much longer I can take this pain

I hurt, every piece of me hurts.

What did I do wrong

I want him

I feel like screaming

He’s with her now

I feel like he’s taken a piece of me with him

I don’t feel whole anymore

I hurt

It hurts so much

I can’t take much more

Why doesn’t he want me

I’m still scared he will turn up with her and try to move her in

I’ve run our of drink

I could do with another

I can’t do this

I think I’m broken

Accepting some facts.

I wrote a post last night – I didn’t set out to write about any certain subject. I felt I just needed to splurge.

It got to a point about missing him – I tried to list all the things I miss, all the reasons to miss him – I struggled to do this. It planted a seed and I didn’t sleep much last night. This seed seems to have grown into a small sapling.

I found a major difference between what I wanted to write and the truth.

He didn’t tell me I was pretty.

He didn’t tell me I was the most special girl in the world.

He would not tell me how much I meant to him.

In the last 9 years he cooked me dinner 3 times (one of those were raw chicken) – I had to cook even if I was on a late shift.

He didn’t like the way I would clean – he would do it again.

He would call me lazy.

He hated driving me around but would not help me pay for driving lessons.

In march I was offered a promotion – after talking with him he decided I should not take it so I didn’t. If I had right now I would have been able to afford my home and I would not be having to think about moving.

He wasn’t really very nice to me in the last few years! I feel a bit of a fool being in such pain – he’s not mourning our relationship. He’s moving on with this women he’s been shagging for the last 8 months.

What do I really miss –

Having someone at home when I get there.
Having someone to share my inner most thoughts with.
I miss going out to dinner in really nice places.
I miss sex with someone that cares about me.
I miss sleeping next to someone.

I got out of bed this morning with minimal crying.

I’m not better, I’m not free of pain, I still miss him but now I’m thinking…… Maybe this wasn’t 100% my fault. He says it is. I don’t know anymore.

A Evening with Dr Jekyll and the return of Mr Hyde

My days are long and slow and painful.

They are marked by mile stones that are no longer valid for me

7.30 am – I should be getting up and making him breakfast and packing his lunch box but hes not here.

10.30 am – He would be having tea break – He would find the little letter of the day, it would be folded under his sandwich in his lunch box. sometimes it would only be a little picture of a heart, sometimes a smiley face, sometimes a sex act i plan to offer up that night. Just something to make him smile. But there’s no little letter of the day because i don’t pack his lunchbox anymore.

12 noon – Its his lunch  – He would call me, we would have a little chat about the day. We tend not to speak on the phone anymore and i really don’t want to hear about his working day anymore (he works with her – its how they met)

5.30 pm – He would be leave now – but hes not coming home to me.

I miss him – i miss him with every part of me.

We are still under contract with the flat for another month or so, i cant afford to pay this myself so he is helping me pay  – only a 5th of the rental cost, but because of this he has decided to keep the key and return to eat and shower. My wages cover the bills but only just so the £200 i get from him I’m using to pay for food and travel.

During a shower/dinner visit – i chat to him while he showers, he chats to me in the kitchen while i cook dinner, something then happens which i have promised to God will not happen again. Later we are chatting on the sofa with tea – I’m on cloud 9 – I’m happy. I think i can do this because i haven’t really lost him. I just kinda don’t have him all the time (YES IM AN UTTER FOOL – I KNOW THAT NOW)

He then starts a conversation that i will remember to my dying day – i will remember it because i looked into his eyes when he took my last piece of hope and ripped the throat out of it.

I was thinking – do i know you? Are you human? Did i ever know you? Did you ever love me?

I truly believed that the worst things had been said – comparing my sexual performance to her, telling me about the underwear she wears for him and him giving me a list of the sex acts they did.

I thought these things he had said where a moment of madness – the stress of finally ending things.

But there was worst to come –

 

We are having issues affording first months rent and deposit on a place!

OK?!

Well this place would be perfect for us!

 

(there had been talk about him wanting the flat when he first told me but i was not willing to leave)

 

Shes come up with a few ideas on how to save us money and get the flat!

 

My Brain is stalling, I’m trying to process what is being said. I don’t understand – We have had a lovely evening – i don’t understand.

 

Well She thinks if i stop paying you the £200 a month then you wont be able to go to work or eat and then you will have to go home.

……….

Or she thinks she should just turn up with her bags and move in. I’m still on the tenancy so legally i can come back anytime.

Do you think she will be safe?

I wouldn’t let  you hurt her.

You would have to leave her alone at some point.

Well I’m not saying i would do it. I’m not saying i agreed, it was just an idea!

Could you? Could you do this to me? Could you move her in? If you could do it to me is she not worried one day you could do it to her?

 

I look in his eyes. I’m crying now – I’m truly damaged.

 

How many more ways can he find to hurt me?

 

I don’t think there are anymore, but i thought the same thing before he stepped through the door that evening.

 

Why cant i stop the tears?

Today i woke after dreaming of him.

It started as a lovely dream – he told me he loved me – then she walked in the room – he started telling me i was fat, ugly and that he hated me (all things he was told me during this horrific time)

I wake up and I’m crying

I cry from 7.30 am till 11.30 am – i cry in the shower, i cry on the bathroom floor, i cry on the kitchen floor.

I cant stop it, Why cant i stop it??????????

Everything hurts – when i heard of heart break before this i always thought it was emotional pain – i never knew that was an actual physical ache.

There’s an actual ache in my chest.

I don’t see how i can keep doing this.

For the rest of the day i’m surrounded by fog.

This is HELL

The first night i spent alone (lasted 5 hours)

A friends had come for have dinner with me so i wasn’t alone when he came and got his things.

He comes in –

 

I’m only going to be able to take what will fit in the car for now

OK 

I’ll be coming back to shower and eat most days so ill keep the key

OK

Is there any dinner?

Yer there’s extra pasta

Cool, is there enough for me to take in a pot for lunch tomorrow too?

Yer ill put it in Tupperware for you.. oh i baked you some flapjack too.

(yes people that’s right, i baked flapjacks from scratch so the man i had loved for the last 9 years could be full of energy to go shag someone else)

Thanks love. 

 

He sits and eats with me and my friend

We start talking about other things – the weather, the news – this is f**ked up.

My friends phone rings – there’s something up at home – she has to go – shes very very sorry.

So we are left alone.

He potters around the flat picking up the bits he needs.

He calls me to the front door – hes bits are ready, hes going.

I feel numb.

He turns back

 

Sorry i forgot my pillow

You cant have it

Sorry?

You cant take it

Its mine

I paid for it

Mandy its my pillow!

I don’t care

(I paid £70 for it but that’s not why i wants it. i don’t really know why, i have however drenched it in his aftershave)

I need it for my neck.

 

I don’t know why his need for the pillow sets me off but it does. i start crying, sobbing really. Hes crying then too, We both say things. He cant be unhappy so i can be happy. Things like this – we go on for about a hour.

In the end he gets up and leaves , hes late to meet her.

I lay on my bedroom floor and howl – its dramatic but true. I stop after a while, i manage to make it to the bed. I get undressed and lay on top on the duvet but on my side of the bed. I cant get in it for some reason i don’t know why. I cover myself with a blanket. I lay in the dark. I try to read, i cant. I try to sleep, i cant. I just lay and stare at the ceiling.

5 Hours later…………..

My mind is drifting

I keep thinking i can hear him.

I wish he would come back to me and tell me it was all a dream, that we loves me and wont ever leave me again.

I hear his key in the door.

I’m going mad

Only i’m not and hes here.

 

I was worried that you would do something stupid so i came back to check on you.

 

I’m broken, i sob – i wanted him and hes here and he doesn’t love me and hes not staying.

 

Oh love please stop that. Come here, let me tuck you in, why are you under that blanket, get under the duvet.

 

He tucks me in, its like i’m a child.

In the back of my mind i’m having issues relating this man to the monster that has been giving me sexual tips, comparing my performance to this girl.

He is so tender, as i lay there and cry. He gets me 2 teddies that live in the spare room. He tucks them in with me and sits on the edge of the bed. I’m sobbing now because i feel this is him letting go – there no bravado, hes so tender – hes killing me with it.  He strokes my hair. I realize i wish i could die right now, with him stroking my hair and me looking in to his eyes. If the world stopped right now i would be OK with that.

He gets up

I cant breath he is going to leave

He stands there and looks at me

 

I’m going to stay tonight OK? But i’m going to leave in the morning and i wont stay again.

 

I just nod. He gets under the duvet and hugs me.

I feel his breathing level out after a while and i feel him drift off.

A very dark part of me considers getting up and taking an overdose so i can end my life curled up with him. I can end just like this, his arm is wrapped around me i’m scared to move in case he wakes up. I never want this night to end. I don’t do the overdose thing but i don’t sleep – not a single wink – i take this night in – i remember every sigh, every stretch, every breath.

He wakes in the morning – he gets dressed, he sits on my side of the bed. He tucks me in again with the 2 teddies. He strokes my hair, he hugs me. He tells me to sleep if i can. He tells me to take care. He’ll see me when he comes back to shower and eat.

He gone.

He’s going to leave.

He is going to leave to stay on a friends sofa.

She still lives with her parents so he cant go there.

He will stay there until they find a place together.

I want to die – i cant do this.

I love him so so much.

Hes leaving me.

 

I gave him everything – my first and only love, my first and only lover, my life, my soul.

 

I have nothing – i hate myself.

I’m empty – I’m a shell.

I have no future.

 

BBQ, sex and underwear.

The next 3 days are very very foggy.

Remembering these days is very hurtful.

He is still sleeping in our bed (each night he asks me if i want him to sleep on the sofa, i always say no) but is now openly seeing her.

My manager has let my close workmates know.

I’ve been signed off work for another 2 weeks.

Doctor has upped my meds.

The first night he gets home at 11pm – he tells me all about the BBQ *** has thrown so he can finally meet all her family. He tells me he enjoys this, her sister is pretty cool and he likes her boyfriend (I had been told her sister was bordering on death – hence all the previous contact). He does not seem to care how hearing this hurts me.

The night after he comes in at 3am. He tells me how he got a BJ in the car and how she wears sexy underwear for him. He always wanted me to wear those but felt at my size (uk 12) I was too fat. He gets straight into bed and sleeps. I silently cry myself to sleep.

The night after he comes home at 4am. He tells me how they had sex in car. I then get tips off how I can improve my sexual performance and how I can improve my BJs, how if i lost some weight someone will want me eventually. I’m stunned. I can’t breath. I can’t move. I cry. He gets mad. He calls me weak – he thinks I should pack a bag and just go straight home to my parents.

I curl up in a ball on my side of the bed.

I’ve perfected the silent cry now but he feels me shaking as I do this. He tells me if I don’t stop he’s leaving now. So I buried it again.

I lay there awake looking at his face

I wished I hated him
I wish I had never met him
I don’t want him to leave me
I feel utterly broken

Have you seen Facebook?

The next day he tells me he is going to take her shopping, shes stressed and he wants to treat her.

I sit on the sofa with my knees to my chest and stare into space – i seem to do this a lot.

I ask him if he will be home for dinner.

He says hes not sure.

 

Looking back on this now i literally cant believe that

A – he told me this.

B – I just accepted this, i cant believe how much i took.

 

About 2 hours later i go to the display unit in our hall way – its full of pictures, presents, shells, treasure found on the beaches and old cinema stubs. I take a box and start ripping the unit to pieces. i pack everything away. I make the mistake of looking at some of the tags and reading the loving messages there.

 

My phone rings

 

Its a friend of mine, she is a good friends – one of those people that you don’t see you ages then when you do catch up its like there was never any gap in contact. When i called her and told her about what was happening she cried with me (i don’t remember making this call but she told me i did it in the first days of it all)

Hi Mand, you OK?

I’m Broken

Oh Mand, i’m sorry to ask but have you seen Facebook?

 

My heart sinks at this, i haven’t told my family or any friends  that he is seeing her less than 24 hours after telling me its over. i think i know whats coming next.

 

Oh god, wait while i log on.

NO.. No don’t you look, please just go on and delete your profile. Please promise me you wont look.

 

I log on and follow her advice. i think i must have hung up at some point because the next thing i remember i’m sitting on the floor surrounded by our memories and my phone is ringing. its my mum i assume she has seen whatever made my friend call me.

I don’t answer

Instead i write a group text to all my family. i explain what has happened – that we are splitting up due to the fact he has been/wants to see someone else. I don’t know how long for but i think its been going on longer than the week he is saying. I send it then turn my phone off.

I finish packing the box then i run a bath. i pour a large glass of wine.

I get in the bath – i down the wine in 3 gulps then i cry – this turns in to a howl.

I’ve never howled like this – its even worst than the first night he told me it was over.

It must be bad as the person upstairs starts banging on the floor.

I cant stop but i do quieten down after a while.

Next thing i know i’m ‘coming to’ – the bath water is cold.

This is the first time i really recognize i have ‘lost time’. Its like people talk about alien abductions except with no UFOs – I’ve lost 2 hours.

I get out the bath – I’m immediately dizzy – I vomit – I vomit so much i end up dry heaving – there’s nothing left in me.

He walks in the door a few hours later – i’m in the kitchen as he has text-ed me saying he will be home for dinner – i’m cooking.

He throws down his shoes – hes mad about something.

 

Have you seen what ****** put on Facebook?

No – she called me today and asked me to delete Facebook so i did.

Well me and *** put ourselves in a relationship on Facebook and ****** put some comment on it about her being a whore and how many more marriages is she going to ruin? Poor *** had a panic attack – We where going to out out for dinner but i had to take her home.

 

I don’t say anything. I don’t ask him how he could do this to me when i haven’t even told my family. I don’t point out that he is trying to convince me its been less than a week and if that’s the case why everything so quick? I don’t ask how he can talk to me about HER stress?

Then he sees the display unit –

 

Where is everything?

I packed it way?

Why?

 

I don’t say anything to this – i just look at him

 

Have you chucked it way?

No!

Good i want to keep some of it.

 

At this point a tiny amount of realization takes hold.

This must have been going on a while, hes let go of me. He doesn’t seem to care about my pain anymore.

He seems more relived that he can be in the open with her.

I want to know how long they have been talking about the day he would break the news to me?

 

What i still don’t understand to this day is why is he mad i took the memories down front the display unit?

 

We eat

He asks me if i want him to sleep on the sofa

I say no

He gets in to bed and i go straight to sleep.

 

 

 

Game over – i decided to check out.

First of all this post is incredibly difficult to write. My family know i’m writing this blog but they have no idea of my intentions this day and do not have access to read it.

Its Tuesday the 23rd of April 2013 

I am meant to be on the late shift so he gets up and will be leaving before me.

You going to go in today?

I’m going to try.

You should go in.

I know.

You want some breakfast?

I still cant keep anything down.

Oh OK.

He eats then leaves. 

I cant really explain what happens next, a lot of things happen that i’m not really even consciously aware of. Looking back i think that i knew, i think i knew everything. I must have been aware that there was no saving this on some level. Although the conversations i was having with my parents consist of me telling them we are going to work things out. I think somewhere in the darkest corners of my mind i knew this was game over for us. 

I say that because its the only thing that explains what i did next.

I didn’t go into work, i sat on my sofa and looked out of my window at the river. 

After sometime i got up, i put some socks and shoes on and put my rain coat on (the sun was very bright that day – why the rain coat i have no idea).

Large heavy trucks run on a length of road behind my home. They drive quick down the little rat run and probably pass at a rate of 2 an hour.

I take a pad and pen and i write him a note – i say i’m not strong enough for this, that i love him and that i want him to have a good life. 

I leave the house that we only moved into 8 months ago and decide i am going to throw myself under the next truck that comes down my road.

I’m not in tears, i’m not hyperventilating, i’m empty and i’m so sad and I’m done.

 I’m standing at the edge of the road and i’m waiting.

Looking back its almost like i was having an out of body experience.

As i’m waiting for my truck to race down the road my phone rings.

Its mum.

Mandy are you OK?

…..yer mum……

We are worried.

At this point i breakdown i cry and sob.

Where are you?

Out.

Walk to your doctors.

I’m not registered at one.

(You have got to love the autopilot)

Just walk into one and ask to speak to a doctor.

The next thing i remember is being called into speak to a doctor (there is a medical center near my home).

The doctor says sorry for the hour wait – they had to find my medical records at my old doctors across town she tells me.

(This women is a live saver – i still see her now)

I wont go into exactly what happens in there but she contacts someone to give me the help i needed and starts me on some things to stabilize me.

I have no idea if mum realizes she saved my life that day. If i hadn’t got that call i have no idea if i would be here now.

The doctor signs me off for a week and sends me home. She has told me i have to call my manager and explain.

I do this – She is amazing – She tells me not a single person at work will now and she will meet me  the next day and collect my sick note and check in with me.

When he finds out that i have been signed off work he gets angry, like i’m doing this to make him feel bad.

I remember that night he tells me *** is so stressed she wasn’t able to come in to work today. 

Ah the poor thing – she must be having such a rough time!!!!