I’m back!

Hi all!!!

After a odd few weeks I feel I need to give you all a quick catch up before diving into a new post on Monday.

Ambushed by his family in the work place!!,

Oh yes people, after contacting dipsticks family and asking them not to contact me anymore they appeared at my desk!! I literally could not believe my eyes! I was paralysed, there was nothing I could do. Customers where milling around and my work colleges where there. I talked to them for about 10 minutes before bursting into tears. Someone I worked with asked them to leave. I sobbed while laying on a pallet of concrete fence posts for 40 minutes. His mother says she will write to me soon, I asked her not to but she says she will anyway.

Therapy

My therapist has finally made me understand that my healing is being stunted by contact. I am in the process of cutting all ties with him – legally, financially, spiritually, mentally and physically. She has also made me understand how very wrong he was to be coming and having sex with me behind her back in the early months. I was so hoping by keeping this intimacy he would come back. He kept the hope alight at every point. Kept me hanging with every visit, every text and every call. She has also made me understand that I need to take responsibility for my healing – I need to move forward or I will rot where I am.

Dipstick

He still emails. I’ve asked him to stop. He still texts. I’ve asked him to stop. In his last email he reminded me to unpack my winter coat

“It’s getting cold Love, I don’t want you getting ill”

He is killing me with kindness, I won’t be reading anymore of his emails. I’m in the process of getting a new phone and new email. I still have love for him. Surprisingly the thought of touching him/kiss him turns my stomach. I don’t know when this change happened, I can’t remember it happening but it has. I still care about him. My feelings for him are a mass of contradictions and tangled roots.

Life

I got a modest raise at work. They said I had done so well over the last few months. Boxing buddy want to house share with me once my current situation expires in feb. I thinking about it. House shares girlfriend has turned into Glenn Close. Things at the house share are strained.

My trolls

Im not bothered anymore, I’ve overcome worst things.

Eharmony

I’ll explain all Monday. Let’s just say for now it’s been a learning curve.

WordPress buddies

Thank you for the kind words. You are the reason I have returned, I’ve missed you all. You give me strength when I need it and you know all my secrets!!!

XXXX

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Struggling today!

Had a good day yesterday!

Today though I can’t seem to break out of this mood.

Keep going to dark places! Can’t stop thinking of them together!

Why is the human mind so cruel?

I hate this ‘new’ life I have.

It’s so small, I feel so small.

I feel alone.

I don’t see meaning, I don’t see a future!

I don’t see how I’m going to make it through this.

House share wants to meet for a coffee. He tried to make me dinner for 2 nights in a row.

I’m so wary of him now. I don’t like myself when I feel like that. He’s a good person but I feel that he’s ruined it.

Him asking me ‘to take things further’ was way out of line. I’m looking for meaning in everything he says it does.

I don’t enjoy spending time with him.

There’s a elephant In the room.

I hate this life I live now.

I’m feeling shit.

Just a bit of advice – don’t fall in love when your 12!!

Today’s a day off work so I have had lots of time on my hands.

I’ve been doing 24 hours of thinking and a tiny bit of drinking.

I had a conversation with a friend last night.

She went through a divorce 2 years ago.

She is now looking at starting a new relationship.

2 YEARS…..

Am I going to be alone for 2 years.

I don’t want to be alone for 2 years.

I feel like I have wasted so much time already.

What if I’m alone for years??

This has lead me to think about 2 things.

Love and mistakes.

I’m worried that no one will love me again.

I don’t want the same thing to happen again.

I won’t survive it again.

I’m not convinced I’ll survive this.

So what did I do wrong?

I thought about this for the last 24 hours, I haven’t slept.

I’ve been reading a blog called His Giant Mistake.

I’ve started at the beginning so I don’t know how it ends yet. There is an amazing entry called ‘dating your divorced self’.

Read it if you get the chance.

It helped me a little.

My mistakes –

I accepted too much

I should have told him I wanted more affection.

I became a little quite and sad.

Maybe even a little resentful.

I wanted him to love me as much as I loved him, I think I knew in my heart he didn’t.

He told me he didn’t believe in unconditional love.

I loved him too much.

I loved him with everything I was.

I fell in love when I was 12.

Maybe love like that is never meant to last into adulthood.

I loved him unconditionally.

I loved him so much that I lost sight of myself!!

Is that what love is? And that’s not a rhetorical question. I want to know!!

I never questioned that all of our money went on his hobbies.

I never questioned when he went out with IT for ‘photography lessons’ (that turned out to be code for fucking in car parks).

I never asked for anything for myself.

All I wanted was for him to be happy.

I gave 100% of my life to him.

I was 100% loyal and faithful to him.

I have bee an utter love blind dick.

I became boring because I became a void, something that became 100% about him.

I gave and gave and gave ad asked for nothing but unconditional love – the one thing he couldn’t give me.

I loved him wrong.

I really believe this now.

I loved him too much – if that’s possible.

I loved him like a child.

Selfless – asking for nothing.

I see it as a child running down a grassy hill.

A child runs as fast as they can.

All arms and legs flailing.

No care about getting hurt, they are nt looking for danger.

Just caught up in the giggle and fun.

Just running because its what come naturally.

An adult runs down a hill with care.

They know the pain of falling, they want to avoid it.

They look for obstacles in their way, checking they aren’t going to trip and fall.

I don’t think I will ever love like this again. I don’t think it’s right anyway, so so much pain – how can that be right?

It scares me though, what if nothing compares to the good times?

One thing I do know – I’m going to be asking for more!!

I miss him.

Some people from work persuaded me to go out for a few drinks tonight.

Meds seem to impact the effect of drink.

I only had 3 but I’m a bit drunk.

It’s Monday tomorrow

He will text me. He always texts me Monday to Friday 9 to 5. She works in a different part of the building. Sometimes I wonder if she knows how much he contacts me.

I miss him.

I hate sleeping alone.

I miss him so much that my chest aches.

I miss him so much, with every cell.

I feel overwhelmed with my sadness tonight.

I feel so sad. I miss him.

I want a hug.

I’m missing my left hand while being repeatedly punched in the chest!!

Weekends are hard for me.

Dipstick said another reason for him leaving me was that I didn’t get to spend quality time with him.

As IT works at the same place as him, IT has weekends off too.

When I’m working at a weekend now my mind goes to places it shouldn’t.

Are they together right now?

Where are they?

Are they in OUR coffee shop/restaurant/beach!,

If there’s not many customers at work I’m destined to have a weekend from hell.

The other side of it is that we would speak every lunch time.

I miss doing this, I spend so much of my time missing him.

I feel like I’m missing my left hand most of the time.

Today I saw the man that IT had an affair with before IT had an affair with dipstick.

He looked me, he gave me this sad smile full of pity.

It sent me over the edge for a few hours.

It was like a immediate punch in the chest.

I wanted to ask him what was so amazing about IT, I wanted to ask why men immediately forget about there wife’s and girlfriends (dipstick was the 5th man that IT was slept with that was in a relationship/married).

One day I would like to ask her why she only peruses men that are attracted?

I spent the next 3 hours thinking about them non stop.

It was like being repeatedly punched in the chest!!

I hate weekends.

No Internet and little bro!

In new house share, will not have Internet till the end of the month.

I sleep by streaming NCIS on my iPad.

Looks like I won’t be sleeping for a while.

I can’t login to WordPress on my phone! I will only be able to post via email for the next 2 weeks.

No face timing with little bro.

I’m not amused!

I waved my amazing mother off this morning. She has been a true blessing in the last 3 days. Se has dragged me along when all I have wanted to do it lay on the bathroom floor.

In my new en-suite I have a large shower! So if I feel like mixing it up I can do some crying on the shower floor! Ill be clean and it might hide the noise from housemate. I’ve got options at least.

Mother has decided to send little bro down for the last week of his summer holiday. I’ve been promising he can visit for years but dipstick always said no, so it didn’t happen.

Well surprise surprise his visit falls on what would have been mine and dipsticks anniversary (I know it’s not official but I’ve stopped counting now). For the days of the 27th and 28th of August I had some hardcore sobbing, drinking and deep depression planed. Well that’s out the window now.

Bless them for pretending to be surprised when I told them.

Really Mandy? Oh we didn’t know. We’ve told him now and he’s so excited! You will still have him won’t you?

Little bro was young when i moved away. I remember him standing at the top of the stairs only 4 or 5 sobbing for me. Holding his little arms out begging me not to go.

I missed him so much.

I missed him growing up.

Mum has asked me to creat a itinerary for the week and send it to her. She wants days out planned in advanced and budgets created.

If I didn’t know better I’d say she was trying to keep me busy in the week before he arrives.

I don’t care that its obviously been set up for me.

I miss him and I’ll enjoy the distraction.

Been drinking and feel sad.

Can’t stop thinking about everything he said! I’ve been drinking. I feel totally messed up. Can’t believe he is being so nice now. Feel so lost, I miss him.

I’ve moved all my stuff to the house share now.

I didn’t ask for any of this.
I miss him.
I can’t believe he has done this to me,
I’m happy he still ‘has love’ for me.
I want to still be friends with him but I’m scared I will never move on. I so sad all of the time.

I’m just so sad, I don’t want to be sad anymore!

How in one day does he drag me back to day one?

Had a call from dipstick. He’s had something major happen within his family. It’s made him think.

He’s been thinking about the way he has treated me.
He’s been thinking about what he wants for my future.
He’s been thinking about what he wants for his future.

He’s has told me….

-He has a lot of love for me but doesn’t think he is in love with me. -He wants us to meet for coffee every few months to catch up.
-He wants to have my new address and wants us to write to each other weekly if possible. Bet she’s gonna love having m letter drop through her letterbox. -He is worried about my future.
-He’s worried I won’t cope on my own.
-He’s worried I will do something stupid (bit late for that but I didn’t tell him about that).
-He is extremely sorry for the things he said and the mental torture he put me though. -He cares deeply for me.
-He says I’m an amazing person and this is not my fault.
-He has to give this relationship with her a go as he has ‘made a commitment’ – that is a fucking joke. -He has found out I’m on meds and seeing a shrink and feels extremely guilty. -He thinks about me everyday.
-He says he will never get over me.
-He cries when he thinks about me.
-He went on holiday with her and thought of me everyday.

HE fucked someone else.
HE was moved in with someone else.
HE compared my sexual performance.
HE told me he was sick of having a fat girlfriend.
HE told me the guys he worked with had models for girlfriends and he was stuck with me.

I’ve told him I’ll agree to write to him and he can have my address.

Everyone I have told so far is freaking out when I said this so I haven’t given it him yet. Think I’m gonna take some time to think about it.

I’m exhausted after this phone call.

I take a diazepam and sleep for 4 hours.

I’m sitting here in tears I don’t know what to do.

He was so sweet and I love him so much.

I don’t know what to do.

My darkest day. I hope i never have to go there again.

Please don’t read this if you are feeling crap – i don’t need scolding. I know i was weak and i know i was being cowardly. Its taken a lot to think about this day. In a way though it makes me think that maybe  i have some further than i think.

On the 31st of July i wrote about the day i reached what i thought was rock bottom.

I left my home with the intention of throwing myself under a large fuel truck.

I ended up at a doctors office after a phone call that pretty much saved my life.

I really believed after that day i would improve.

I was sure that as i was given medication, a caseworker and a shrink i would start a rapid recovery and i wouldn’t be in pain for much longer.

I assumed that the with all of that, and with the help from others around me i was right on track – logical right?

Then the day that i call Black Thursday came.

Days off are incredible hard for me as all of my routine was based around him.

I know that everyone copes differently.

I know some people are stronger.

I know some are more stable.

But i also know there is no handbook for this.

I have known this man since i was 11.

At 12 i told my dad i was going to marry this man.

At 17 we made it official.

I’m 26 – I have loved this man for longer than i haven’t.

I feel like his being, his soul is part of me – like roots of a tree. I feel like i grew up with him. His root have become part of him – How do you untangle that?

Black Thursday came a week after i had turned up at the doctors.

I spent all day in my bed.

I don’t remember how the day started but i remember sitting under the covers with a bottle of wine – swinging straight from the bottle.

I remember the pain

I was thinking about all the sexual comparisons he had made. I was thinking about all the tips he gave me on how i could be better in bed. I was thinking about how no man was going to want be unless i got down to 8 stone. He has told me that.

I’ve since been told this is called rumination.

A lovely lady commented about it last week and a few days later my shrink told me all about it,

Turns out she was totally on the mark.

I’am learning some skills to stop me doing this now.

But at the time i had never heard of rumination.

I sat in bed and as everything went around in my head i decided i was destined to live a lonely and sad life. I decided to end it now rather than  put up with anymore pain.

I took my writing set and i wrote 4 letters.

Dad.

Mother.

Dipstick.

Good friend.

I wrote long letters.

I slept in between writing them as it really took it out of me.

I wept as i wrote them.

I poured myself out onto the pages.

By this point i had finished the bottle, i got up and took a shower.

I changed my sheets (looking back it must have taken me ages – it takes me long enough sober) and i took my last bottle of wine out of the fridge.

I then in my drunken state started looking for tablets.

i reached the Valium, the sleeping tablets and the antidepressants.

This seemed like a great mix to me. in my drunken state i assumed this would be like slipping away in a lovely hazy dream.

I was in so much pain i thought anything must be better than this…anything!

So i took them – all of them. I also downed the rest of the bottle of wine.

I placed the letter by the front door and closed my bedroom door.

I wanted whoever found me to know what i had done and not just burst in and see me.

i stumbled back into the bedroom and got into bed i put i episode of NCIS on the laptop (i cant get to sleep with out some background noise even now).

I felt it coming on quickly.

I’ve never held large amounts liquid very well and drinking 2 bottles of wine in a few hours didn’t sit well with me.

I vomited everywhere, it was voluminous. All the tablets had came back up, a little worn looking at the edges but they where there.

I got back in the shower where i vomited a few more times.

I then slept on the sofa for 12 hours.

I woke up feeling like shit.

I have kept the letters. They are on my bedside table. My shrink wanted me to throw them away but i cant. He wanted me to tell my parents but i cant. i have told Good friend though. She asked me to throw away the letters but i haven’t. Its not that i plan to use them, i don’t but there is something pure about them – if that’s the right word. It was me minus any bull shit. It was exactly how i felt. I don’t know how to explain it. Its difficult to verbalize. I haven’t read them back, i look at the envelopes sometimes. They make me feel a little safer.

I’m sorry if this post has made anyone uncomfortable but writing seems to help. This is probably my last really depressing post. lets home anyway!!