A (wake up) call from my Dad.

my dad

 

My dad is my hero – it sounds corny i know!

I don’t have children, I’ve never really wanted them. I’ve always said i’m too selfish for children but the truth is Dipstick was always dead set against kids and i was never fussed so its not something that ever came up.

When i was born my dad stayed at home and looked after me, and mother went out to work. It went like this for the first few years of my life.

I do wonder if that has cemented the relationship i have with him. He never did this for any of my brothers or sister, my mother got all of them in the first years while dad worked. I don’t actually remember those years obviously, but i assume they must have had an impact on me.

I’ve never been close to mother until this happened. Until he left.

Before he left i called home about once a month – he hated me having contact with my family. In the end it was easier to do as i was told.

Since this has happened – 3 and a half months ago – i have called her everyday. My mother is someone that loves to be needed. She is amazing in a crisis – its her specialty. Smaller things sometimes get left at the way side with mother. Don’t get me wrong i wouldn’t change her for the world and being honest I’ve taken her for granted up until this point. Who wants a surgeon that can’t perform heart surgery but puts a plaster on a paper cut in 2 seconds flat? My mother handles a crisis like no one else i know, she rocks it!!

Having said all that – Dad. Hes one of those men that only speaks when he truly has something to say. Dads stays silent most of the time and lets mother talk.

this week I’ve been up and down like a yo-yo on acid – this you can probably tell from the posts I’ve put up.

I had a break down, and in a very Bridget Jones style i called mother while i cried in the bath.

Its that sob again – that choking, chest heaving sob.

I’m trying to say that hes left me (she knows this)

I’m trying to say that i feel disgusting and broken (i’m sure I’ve told her this 100 times since he left)

I’m trying to say i can’t do this and i want to go to sleep and not wake up (I’ve been messing around with my med’s and i can now see the impact on my mood)

I’m trying to say i hurt so much that i have seriously thought about suicide (It goes a bit further than this but, A = that’s a different post and B = she cant understand me anyway)

She obviously at a loss at this point, doing this has maxed out her crisis handling ability i’m assuming.

She ends up hanging up – I don’t blame her – there’s nothing she can say, nothing she can do.

I throw the phone down on the floor and carry on with sobbing.

My land line starts ringing and it doesn’t stop.

Whoever is calling wont leave a message and keeps calling and retrying.

I drag myself out of the bath and answer the phone.

Its my Dad, mother has brought out the big guns.

‘Mandy you need to calm down’

‘Dad he’s……..’

‘That twat has had enough of your time’ – My dad never swears, this perforates my fog a little, also i register that this is the first time dad has bad mouthed him. I’ve been very protective of anyone being mean about him.

I start crying again

‘Mandy only you can bring your self out of this now. I don’t pretend to know what your going through, i don’t know what pain your in love. But your going to lose yourself. Its been over 3 months now, you need to start pulling out of this. I was engaged to someone else once, before your mum. I didn’t work out but i didn’t mind, i met your mum after. You will meet someone right for you in the future. Your still a baby, there is so much for you to live for. I’ve watched you wilt over the last few years, you use to be so bubbly. You will meet someone who will treat you the way you deserve, he treated you like shit Mandy. You will be OK. Its going to take time but things will turn around for you. You gave him too much love, you gave him too much of yourself. You lived his live darling, you didn’t live for yourself, you lived for him. You’ve never been an adult, you’ve never made your own choices. That’s no life darling. If you don’t start to get better soon i’m going to come and get you and you’ll have no choice but to come home. You said you wanted to live your own life and that fine but your not living at the moment your existing. you need to stop contact with him, Hes a barstard and every time you talk to him it brings you down. Stop worrying about him and what he wants, what hes doing. You need to start worrying about yourself or your not going to make it’

I’m sat on the floor with the phone in my hand.

Dads stopped talking, I’m stunned.

This is with out exception the longest and most emotional speech my dad has given. There are tears in my eyes just typing this. This is my dad on his super-dad A game. Hes told me things i didn’t know, things i’d been scared to admit, things i hadn’t even thought of and some home truths. Hearing your own dad say that you’ve been ‘treated like shit’ is hard.

I’m going to remember this to my dying day.

My dad at his most caring and honest.

He’s right – I’m wallowing, I’m self pitying, I’m being negative.

My parents are hurting seeing me in pain. I feel guilty.

For the first time I’m thinking of those around me.

I have been so utterly lost.

I think i need to try and find my way back to life now if i can.

I still hurt, i still feel sad but i need to drag myself forward it i can.

I hope i can.

And just one note to anyone reading this that is a parent – WOW i couldn’t do your job. I imagine its incredibly difficult and i really don’t think i have it in me. Well done.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I know I’m stupid.

I have called my parents to tell them a little of what has happened.

My dad sounds disappointed in me, he doesn’t understand why i don’t hate him. He seems to think i should be throw plates and destroying all his stuff.

He had me call the landlady – she has thrown her husband out a year ago for cheating – she has been amazing. Shes going to make sure i get the deposit back – she also said that he cant move her in.

Mother thinks i should come home and live in the dinning room.

But i don’t want to do that.

I’m miss him so so much, i want him back. Not the monster that visits me in evening takes anything from me he wants and leave. I miss the man who proposed to me. I miss the man who would heat up my wheatie dog when i had cold feet. I miss the kisses full of love rather than the function ones we now have.

I have failed – none of my brothers or sisters have divorced!

What was wrong with me?

I read today that Kelly Brooks (UK TV personality) husband has been sleeping with other women. Shes so skinny and pretty – there really is no hope for me.

He told me i was too fat, too ugly, not interesting enough, i hate myself.

I don’t know how to fix this.

I Feel so utterly broken.