A nice end to a shit day.

Went to boxing.

I was having a bit of a crap session, couldn’t find my rhythm.

Out of the blue the guy on the next bag came over.

‘You need to keep your guard up a bit more, also wait a second or two after throwing your jab to swing with your leading hand, that will give you more power’.

For a moment I looked at him liked he’d just landed from the moon.

I then found my voice and said I was having issues today, couldn’t get it happening.

He had noticed I was southpaw, ‘like rocky’ he said that would be more difficult for other boxers when I got up to speed. He talked boxing for a second.

He then offered me his bag as it was heavier and mine kept getting away from me.

He never asked my name, I never asked his.

He talked to me because he wanted too.

He didn’t get anything out if it, in fact he ended up with a crappier bag.

At the end of the session he nodded and smiled at me as he left.

This has made me smile.

I might ask his name if I see him at the boxing gym again.

Today I met someone new, I might not meet him again.

No matter if I do nor not – he has made me smile. He was kind and cute.

Eharmony, GTA and finding my path.

My life over the last 2 days has consisted of 2 things.

Eharmony and GTA.

One sweet and one sour.

One about the future and one about the past.

I have discovered over the last few days that I can now manage to juggle these simultaneously. A few weeks ago thinking of the past would drag me down to a dark place, all thinking of my current situation would disappear.

I’d sink down to a dark place, I’d be surrounded by decay, darkness, thoughts of black Thursday. The past would crowd me while at the same time I would be utterly surrounded by emptiness. The void that exists in my life would threaten to envelope me.

Now though I manage to exist between the two worlds.

Less dark cellar full of decay and death, more dark cellar full of old boxes and the occasional bear trap.

I feel like I’m straddling my past and future. I replied to sister in laws text, I apologised for the time it’s taken to respond and said I would like to met up.

I’ve also said I would like to write to his mother. I know this isn’t everyone’s choice but I’m a little curious as to see what she has to say.

My therapist talking to me about DV has really shaken something out of me. I seem a little more balanced. I’m thinking about thinks in a different way.

Eharmony

I’ve started with the free profile with plans to upgrade when I’m paid.

I’m enjoying it.

I have a few mail I can’t read due to being a non paying member but its interesting talking to people when I can’t see there pictures. I’m thinking if my views are going to change when I can see them.

GTA

I preordered the new GTA for dickhead before the separation.

He took his preorder slip when he moved out.

I however took the play station.

Seeing all the adverts had made me think of him constantly in the lasts few days.

I can honestly say

-I miss him.
-I have love for him.
-His unhappiness manifested in some very nasty behavioural traits.
-In the last few years I was made to pay for his unhappiness.
-I don’t think his treatment of me was intentional.
-I handled things all wrong.
-I will never let anyone chip away at my confidence, self esteem and self belief ever again (once they are all built back up)
-In my turmoil at my inability to ‘fix things’ I buried my head in the sand and let go you myself.
-I will never be the person I was.
-I should never have to change myself to please someone.
-I WANT to work on losing a little weight and toning up (not because I’m being call fat, ugly and useless but because this is what I want for myself)
-I think I might just make it.
-I don’t have to deal with any of the legal stuff for a while (neither of us have any money)
-By the time I have to deal with the legal stuff I think I will be ready.
-I’m massively thankful to the people that have helped me along the way.

I think I have found my path now or at least the well worn track to the path.

I’m not fixed or healed or even happy but I think I might just make it.

Dicing with danger or a good idea?

A friend spoke to me today, suggested I went on a date?!

Considering the place I have been in recently this idea hadn’t even entered my head.

I actually laughed when he said it but his reaction to my giggling made me think.

‘Mandy I’m not saying go have sex with someone, I’m saying go out for dinner with someone. Have a laugh, let someone make you feel valued. Join a dating site, remember that the globe is still turning. You think the end has ended, there’s lots of world out there Mandy, maybe you need to be reminded of that. Just remember don’t have sex with anyone.’

I’ve downloaded a dating website app.

I’m going to have a play with it.