I’m back!

Hi all!!!

After a odd few weeks I feel I need to give you all a quick catch up before diving into a new post on Monday.

Ambushed by his family in the work place!!,

Oh yes people, after contacting dipsticks family and asking them not to contact me anymore they appeared at my desk!! I literally could not believe my eyes! I was paralysed, there was nothing I could do. Customers where milling around and my work colleges where there. I talked to them for about 10 minutes before bursting into tears. Someone I worked with asked them to leave. I sobbed while laying on a pallet of concrete fence posts for 40 minutes. His mother says she will write to me soon, I asked her not to but she says she will anyway.

Therapy

My therapist has finally made me understand that my healing is being stunted by contact. I am in the process of cutting all ties with him – legally, financially, spiritually, mentally and physically. She has also made me understand how very wrong he was to be coming and having sex with me behind her back in the early months. I was so hoping by keeping this intimacy he would come back. He kept the hope alight at every point. Kept me hanging with every visit, every text and every call. She has also made me understand that I need to take responsibility for my healing – I need to move forward or I will rot where I am.

Dipstick

He still emails. I’ve asked him to stop. He still texts. I’ve asked him to stop. In his last email he reminded me to unpack my winter coat

“It’s getting cold Love, I don’t want you getting ill”

He is killing me with kindness, I won’t be reading anymore of his emails. I’m in the process of getting a new phone and new email. I still have love for him. Surprisingly the thought of touching him/kiss him turns my stomach. I don’t know when this change happened, I can’t remember it happening but it has. I still care about him. My feelings for him are a mass of contradictions and tangled roots.

Life

I got a modest raise at work. They said I had done so well over the last few months. Boxing buddy want to house share with me once my current situation expires in feb. I thinking about it. House shares girlfriend has turned into Glenn Close. Things at the house share are strained.

My trolls

Im not bothered anymore, I’ve overcome worst things.

Eharmony

I’ll explain all Monday. Let’s just say for now it’s been a learning curve.

WordPress buddies

Thank you for the kind words. You are the reason I have returned, I’ve missed you all. You give me strength when I need it and you know all my secrets!!!

XXXX

Advertisements

Dear Dipstick

To my dear Dipstick

I’ve been to see my therapist today and its been a bit of a difficult session. After a long chat we decided that I should write you a letter. You see for the last few weeks I’ve been struggling with something new – my anger. It’s becoming a bit of a beast, it rears its head at the most unexpected of times. I’m taking things out on people that don’t deserve it, people that have been there for me when I was really low.

Therapist thinks I need you to feel my pain, I WANT you to feel my pain. You have caused me more pain than I thought it was possible to inflict on a soul. I always measured pain in broken bones and bruised skin but you caused me more pain than a thought it was possible for someone to contain.

I didn’t love you the first time I met you but It was soon after, I loved you when you where 12 and had bright blonde hair, I loved you when you where covered in puppy fat and I loved you when you pulled my hair. I loved you when you broken my locker and I loved you when you threw balls of paper at me. I loved you when you walked me to school and I loved you when you asked me to be your girlfriend. I loved you when I kissed you for the first time – my first real kiss. I thought my heart would burst when the day finally came and I was yours and you where mine.

Looking back I started changing for you early on. I was so young, far far too young for such love. My family – you didn’t like them, you looked down on them for being poor – you assumed that made them bad people. My dad is the most amazing man, so so kind, you never gave him a chance.

In the end it made it easier if I went along with what you wanted. I worshiped the ground you walked on and spent all my time trying to make you happy and please you.

I took an overdose you know?! I reached my limit, I couldn’t take anymore. I wanted it over, the pain, my hurt and this non life that I had been left with.

You took my life and you made it a bomb site.

You ruined me, you treated me like I was disposable, like I didn’t matter.

I gave you honesty,fidelity,love and my life, my soul. Why wasn’t I enough for you?

Why?

Why?

But I guess I’m never going to get an answer to that.

My therapist has explained some things to me, has me researching others.

Your unhappiness manifested itself in some really vile ways.

You should have just left me 9 months ago when you realised you had feelings for her, before the sex started you should have gone.

You should have taken more responsibility for things.

You shouldn’t have hurt me, why did you do it?

Why did you stop me seeing my family?
Why did you make me feel so so small?
Why did you treat me like I was less than human?

I hurt so much but I feel like the tide is turning, I will grow.
I will become stronger.

I don’t think I will meet anyone else.

I loved you with everything I was.

But I’m not what I was anymore.

I’m new.

I see you.
I see you for the lost little boy you are.

I see you for the petulant child that hides just beyond the surface.

I’m not in love with you anymore.

I wouldn’t take you back anymore, if you came back there would be pause.
There would be thought.

I have love for you but I’m not in love with you – remember when you told me that, well dipstick the feeling is mutual.

I cooked a roast dinner!

Today I cooked a roast. It’s the first roast I have cooked in 5 months.

A friend came round and we have chatted and cooked.

I did all the cooking in the relationship.

I’ve been living on scrambled eggs since he went.

It’s been good to cook for someone.

Today hasn’t been a bad day.

Dipsticks family haven’t contacted me as they said they would.

I’m ok with that.

A nice end to a shit day.

Went to boxing.

I was having a bit of a crap session, couldn’t find my rhythm.

Out of the blue the guy on the next bag came over.

‘You need to keep your guard up a bit more, also wait a second or two after throwing your jab to swing with your leading hand, that will give you more power’.

For a moment I looked at him liked he’d just landed from the moon.

I then found my voice and said I was having issues today, couldn’t get it happening.

He had noticed I was southpaw, ‘like rocky’ he said that would be more difficult for other boxers when I got up to speed. He talked boxing for a second.

He then offered me his bag as it was heavier and mine kept getting away from me.

He never asked my name, I never asked his.

He talked to me because he wanted too.

He didn’t get anything out if it, in fact he ended up with a crappier bag.

At the end of the session he nodded and smiled at me as he left.

This has made me smile.

I might ask his name if I see him at the boxing gym again.

Today I met someone new, I might not meet him again.

No matter if I do nor not – he has made me smile. He was kind and cute.

Eharmony, GTA and finding my path.

My life over the last 2 days has consisted of 2 things.

Eharmony and GTA.

One sweet and one sour.

One about the future and one about the past.

I have discovered over the last few days that I can now manage to juggle these simultaneously. A few weeks ago thinking of the past would drag me down to a dark place, all thinking of my current situation would disappear.

I’d sink down to a dark place, I’d be surrounded by decay, darkness, thoughts of black Thursday. The past would crowd me while at the same time I would be utterly surrounded by emptiness. The void that exists in my life would threaten to envelope me.

Now though I manage to exist between the two worlds.

Less dark cellar full of decay and death, more dark cellar full of old boxes and the occasional bear trap.

I feel like I’m straddling my past and future. I replied to sister in laws text, I apologised for the time it’s taken to respond and said I would like to met up.

I’ve also said I would like to write to his mother. I know this isn’t everyone’s choice but I’m a little curious as to see what she has to say.

My therapist talking to me about DV has really shaken something out of me. I seem a little more balanced. I’m thinking about thinks in a different way.

Eharmony

I’ve started with the free profile with plans to upgrade when I’m paid.

I’m enjoying it.

I have a few mail I can’t read due to being a non paying member but its interesting talking to people when I can’t see there pictures. I’m thinking if my views are going to change when I can see them.

GTA

I preordered the new GTA for dickhead before the separation.

He took his preorder slip when he moved out.

I however took the play station.

Seeing all the adverts had made me think of him constantly in the lasts few days.

I can honestly say

-I miss him.
-I have love for him.
-His unhappiness manifested in some very nasty behavioural traits.
-In the last few years I was made to pay for his unhappiness.
-I don’t think his treatment of me was intentional.
-I handled things all wrong.
-I will never let anyone chip away at my confidence, self esteem and self belief ever again (once they are all built back up)
-In my turmoil at my inability to ‘fix things’ I buried my head in the sand and let go you myself.
-I will never be the person I was.
-I should never have to change myself to please someone.
-I WANT to work on losing a little weight and toning up (not because I’m being call fat, ugly and useless but because this is what I want for myself)
-I think I might just make it.
-I don’t have to deal with any of the legal stuff for a while (neither of us have any money)
-By the time I have to deal with the legal stuff I think I will be ready.
-I’m massively thankful to the people that have helped me along the way.

I think I have found my path now or at least the well worn track to the path.

I’m not fixed or healed or even happy but I think I might just make it.

Mind = Blow

Therapy blew my mind yesterday, 10 minutes before the end of the session she said

‘What does domestic violence mean to you’

‘I suppose a quivering women with 2 black eyes scrubbing socks on a wash board’

‘Im going read you something and I want you to tell me what you think

“The actual violence was more emotional. It was very subtle, little put downs. He started controlling the money. I wouldn’t have any money to buy things for myself. If I spoke I was talking rubbish and wasn’t allowed to speak. He used the car to have power over me. He hated me having contact with my family. He said I was clumsy. He picked my clothes. He said know one would want me”

‘Well what do you think’

I couldn’t speak, tears fell, my mind wouldn’t stop spinning.

‘Read this book and we will chat more next time, remember this is all to much to deal with at once. One think at a time’

There to much to think about, I never considered DV before.

Homework this week

Read my DV book.
Study for a course my work have set up for me.
Do some overtime at work if possible.
Text sister in law back.

Boxing went amazingly. I’m going to keep going. It makes me feel like I have some power.

One decision made, still thinking about the other .

I have finally made the choice regarding if i should see dipsticks mother and sister.

I’m going to do it!

I’m still thinking about if i should give them my address or not?!

I feel calm today – not sunny beach calm but eyes of the storm calm.

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

I’ve developed a method that when ever i start to think about –

him, her, them, my shared past, my pain, the night he would tell me ‘stuff about them’,

I think about a metal vault door slamming shut.

I cant let myself do it anymore.

The issue is it leaves me numb.

I feel dead inside.

I feel like there’s a caged tiger inside me.

When this first happened everyone asked why i was not angry, people i spoke to that had been through the same thing then said i would get angry.

I didn’t get angry, but now i feel odd.

I don’t FEEL angry but i feel like i’m full of anger.

I feel like a caged tiger lives in me.

I feel like the caged tiger is angry, hungry, crazed, bored, hurt, possessed, on edge and damaged.

I feel like shes got bits missing.

She just wants to run and run and run.

She wants to rip and claw and bite and pull things to shreds with her claws.

She wants to roar till her throat burns and her whole world is silent.

Silent and every other being has stopped and is still.

She wants peace.

She wants not to be caged.

She wants to run.

She wants to free.

Sometimes she wants to be alone and sometimes she wants to be with others.

She wants not to hurt.

She wants peace.

Shes looking for the bits that are missing from her, she knows somethings missing.

She doesn’t know what and she doesn’t know where to find them.

She is so hurt.

 

I can sense her anger but i don’t seem to FEEL it.

I sense her pain and i just want her to feel better.

I sense her unease and just want to calm her.

 

I feel numb.

 

Dicing with danger or a good idea?

A friend spoke to me today, suggested I went on a date?!

Considering the place I have been in recently this idea hadn’t even entered my head.

I actually laughed when he said it but his reaction to my giggling made me think.

‘Mandy I’m not saying go have sex with someone, I’m saying go out for dinner with someone. Have a laugh, let someone make you feel valued. Join a dating site, remember that the globe is still turning. You think the end has ended, there’s lots of world out there Mandy, maybe you need to be reminded of that. Just remember don’t have sex with anyone.’

I’ve downloaded a dating website app.

I’m going to have a play with it.

Buying in even if I’m not convinced.

After taking a few days to think over my new therapy session I have decided to buy into it.

My new therapist told me that my last one had told her that he couldn’t give me the support I needed. I respect that, it’s not always easy to go to a superior and admit that you need help. He told her I need more regular and longer sessions – he couldn’t do this so she’s taking over.

She called me into her office and BAM – she was a total breath of fresh air.

I’ve never been in therapy before so my last therapist is the yard stick to measure against. I don’t know which one of these is the normal way therapist go about business, but then again I suppose that therapist are all different – like regular people 🙂

The first guy I saw treated me with absolute kid gloves in the 30/45 minutes I got to see him every month. He was soft spoken and gentle and totally non confrontational. I assumed that is what therapy is always like, someone softly speaking to you with a sad smile.

New lady blew that out of the water in 10 minutes. I still feel a little shell shocked by the meeting.

Her first worlds to me went a little something like this –

‘Mandy I’ve read all (first therapists) notes, I get the gist of what’s going on. Now let me tell you, you are going to see me every week and I’m going to help you out the other side of this. It’s going to be hard Mandy, it’s not going to be particularly pleasant BUT what’s happened to you has happened to lots of other women and they have all made it. Your also holding down a full time job, this wont be easy.

Mandy this is too big of a situation to deal with all in one go. I wouldn’t normally do this but considering your situation I’m going to ask you to compartmentalise it. We are going to deal with it a little at a time together. Stop thinking about what to do at the end of the 6 months house share, stop thinking about what you feel you have lost. I’m going to give you tasks to complete each week.

You are going to have to buy into this and help yourself. Your not mad, your not so broken that you won’t heal, everything takes time’

I don’t think she owns any kid gloves 🙂

My home work this week.

Start functioning independently at the most basic level

1 – stop accepting lifts to and from work. Get myself there and back.

2 – cook my own dinner unless going out for a meal, or at a friends house. Stop relying on house share to cook.

3 – start going shopping for food and household items again (fear of seeing them in the local supermarket together gives me panic attacks).

Looking at these I can’t believe how basic these things are, but I’m buying in. I’m going them, I’ve been shopping twice (when I know they are at work) and have made my own dinner every night.

I feel like a bit of a child really but I’m putting my trust in her. Something has to change soon, I’m hoping this is it.

Dead behind the eyes!!

For anyone who has been reading my blog you will know how low I have been.

After the initial impact of finding out about the affair, being metal abused, black thursday and then the PTSD.

I’ve felt since the start of house share I’m in total free fall – oh and by the way my hair seems to be falling out. I don’t mean that in a ironic way, I mean that in a – I keep waking up with a pillow full of hair way. In a – it looks like someone’s shaved cousin IT on my bathroom floor way.

The one place I have managed to hold it together is work.

Work I know, work I’m good at.

Manager took me for a coffee today.

There had been a promotion available in a different department.

‘Mandy I don’t want you to go for the promotion, I have something else in mind’

She explained what this was, I liked the sound of it so its something I’m going to go with.

She then moved on to something else. She told me she knew I was keeping it together at work but how was I at home.

I spilled the beans about the new therapy that starts tomorrow.

Good she said. She told me she feels I need more help.

She said that she thought I looked dead behind my eyes.

I smiled at her, I told her I thought I was.

I think I have taken as much as I can now.

I told her I felt I was free falling.

I’d lost hope of ever having a life.

I felt empty.

I had nothing to go on for.

No reason to go on.

No where to go, couldn’t stay here in the long term – watch him remarry, couldn’t move home where his family live.

No roots, no future, no reason.

She told me she thought I couldn’t go on like this.

She told me she would help me all she could.

She said that I had to push on and try to find meaning.

She said to carry on with my boxing.

I want one day to feel not emotionally dead.

I want to find meaning.

I want a life.

I want a future.

But I worry.

I worry that I’m going to carry on, live with the pain everyday and get back nothing. Never meet anyone, watch him remarry, watch him have kids. No one will ever want me. I don’t want to carry on for nothing.

I forgot to research PTSD, I’m not sure of how much I’m feeling is due to that.

The pain seems to override everything, consume it in white hot flame.

I want there to be something more than the pain.