One decision made, still thinking about the other .

I have finally made the choice regarding if i should see dipsticks mother and sister.

I’m going to do it!

I’m still thinking about if i should give them my address or not?!

I feel calm today – not sunny beach calm but eyes of the storm calm.

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

I’ve developed a method that when ever i start to think about –

him, her, them, my shared past, my pain, the night he would tell me ‘stuff about them’,

I think about a metal vault door slamming shut.

I cant let myself do it anymore.

The issue is it leaves me numb.

I feel dead inside.

I feel like there’s a caged tiger inside me.

When this first happened everyone asked why i was not angry, people i spoke to that had been through the same thing then said i would get angry.

I didn’t get angry, but now i feel odd.

I don’t FEEL angry but i feel like i’m full of anger.

I feel like a caged tiger lives in me.

I feel like the caged tiger is angry, hungry, crazed, bored, hurt, possessed, on edge and damaged.

I feel like shes got bits missing.

She just wants to run and run and run.

She wants to rip and claw and bite and pull things to shreds with her claws.

She wants to roar till her throat burns and her whole world is silent.

Silent and every other being has stopped and is still.

She wants peace.

She wants not to be caged.

She wants to run.

She wants to free.

Sometimes she wants to be alone and sometimes she wants to be with others.

She wants not to hurt.

She wants peace.

Shes looking for the bits that are missing from her, she knows somethings missing.

She doesn’t know what and she doesn’t know where to find them.

She is so hurt.

 

I can sense her anger but i don’t seem to FEEL it.

I sense her pain and i just want her to feel better.

I sense her unease and just want to calm her.

 

I feel numb.

 

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Been drinking and feel sad.

Can’t stop thinking about everything he said! I’ve been drinking. I feel totally messed up. Can’t believe he is being so nice now. Feel so lost, I miss him.

I’ve moved all my stuff to the house share now.

I didn’t ask for any of this.
I miss him.
I can’t believe he has done this to me,
I’m happy he still ‘has love’ for me.
I want to still be friends with him but I’m scared I will never move on. I so sad all of the time.

I’m just so sad, I don’t want to be sad anymore!

The Memory Warehouse.

memory

I’m meant to be looking for somewhere to live but after 10 minutes of looking its pretty clear that I’m not going to find a nice place of my own for my budget.

So 2 choices – either house share or a crappy scummy flat above a shop somewhere.

Choices, choice – well I’m going to go for a walk soon and have a think but that’s not what this post is about.

While packing my stuff i found a book that Dipstick (that what i’m going to call him from now on) brought for me about 9 months ago – Just about the time he started shagging her.

It saying in it ‘love you xxx’ it made me think. did he mean this at the time he wrote this?

I sat for a while and started thinking about the book itself.

Dream-catcher by Stephen King

The memory warehouse – i always loved the idea.

I wish i could climb up into mine and remove every piece of him.

But having sat here for a while – i was 11 when we met – how much would be left?

Not a lot i imagine!!

How many of my shelves would have nothing but spiders and cob webs filling them.

I genuinely feel like he is such a large piece of my life that has now gone.

How do i get past this?

I think of him a million times a day.

I wish i could open my memory warehouse and throw a Molotov cocktail in there.

I wish i could wake up and not remember any of him!

Shouldn’t be drinking!!

I’m pissed

I shouldn’t be drinking with these tablets. I only had 3.

I miss him

I hurt

I don’t understand what I did wrong

I’d trade my soul for him right now

I miss him

I don’t know how much longer I can take this pain

I hurt, every piece of me hurts.

What did I do wrong

I want him

I feel like screaming

He’s with her now

I feel like he’s taken a piece of me with him

I don’t feel whole anymore

I hurt

It hurts so much

I can’t take much more

Why doesn’t he want me

I’m still scared he will turn up with her and try to move her in

I’ve run our of drink

I could do with another

I can’t do this

I think I’m broken

A Evening with Dr Jekyll and the return of Mr Hyde

My days are long and slow and painful.

They are marked by mile stones that are no longer valid for me

7.30 am – I should be getting up and making him breakfast and packing his lunch box but hes not here.

10.30 am – He would be having tea break – He would find the little letter of the day, it would be folded under his sandwich in his lunch box. sometimes it would only be a little picture of a heart, sometimes a smiley face, sometimes a sex act i plan to offer up that night. Just something to make him smile. But there’s no little letter of the day because i don’t pack his lunchbox anymore.

12 noon – Its his lunch  – He would call me, we would have a little chat about the day. We tend not to speak on the phone anymore and i really don’t want to hear about his working day anymore (he works with her – its how they met)

5.30 pm – He would be leave now – but hes not coming home to me.

I miss him – i miss him with every part of me.

We are still under contract with the flat for another month or so, i cant afford to pay this myself so he is helping me pay  – only a 5th of the rental cost, but because of this he has decided to keep the key and return to eat and shower. My wages cover the bills but only just so the £200 i get from him I’m using to pay for food and travel.

During a shower/dinner visit – i chat to him while he showers, he chats to me in the kitchen while i cook dinner, something then happens which i have promised to God will not happen again. Later we are chatting on the sofa with tea – I’m on cloud 9 – I’m happy. I think i can do this because i haven’t really lost him. I just kinda don’t have him all the time (YES IM AN UTTER FOOL – I KNOW THAT NOW)

He then starts a conversation that i will remember to my dying day – i will remember it because i looked into his eyes when he took my last piece of hope and ripped the throat out of it.

I was thinking – do i know you? Are you human? Did i ever know you? Did you ever love me?

I truly believed that the worst things had been said – comparing my sexual performance to her, telling me about the underwear she wears for him and him giving me a list of the sex acts they did.

I thought these things he had said where a moment of madness – the stress of finally ending things.

But there was worst to come –

 

We are having issues affording first months rent and deposit on a place!

OK?!

Well this place would be perfect for us!

 

(there had been talk about him wanting the flat when he first told me but i was not willing to leave)

 

Shes come up with a few ideas on how to save us money and get the flat!

 

My Brain is stalling, I’m trying to process what is being said. I don’t understand – We have had a lovely evening – i don’t understand.

 

Well She thinks if i stop paying you the £200 a month then you wont be able to go to work or eat and then you will have to go home.

……….

Or she thinks she should just turn up with her bags and move in. I’m still on the tenancy so legally i can come back anytime.

Do you think she will be safe?

I wouldn’t let  you hurt her.

You would have to leave her alone at some point.

Well I’m not saying i would do it. I’m not saying i agreed, it was just an idea!

Could you? Could you do this to me? Could you move her in? If you could do it to me is she not worried one day you could do it to her?

 

I look in his eyes. I’m crying now – I’m truly damaged.

 

How many more ways can he find to hurt me?

 

I don’t think there are anymore, but i thought the same thing before he stepped through the door that evening.

 

The first night i spent alone (lasted 5 hours)

A friends had come for have dinner with me so i wasn’t alone when he came and got his things.

He comes in –

 

I’m only going to be able to take what will fit in the car for now

OK 

I’ll be coming back to shower and eat most days so ill keep the key

OK

Is there any dinner?

Yer there’s extra pasta

Cool, is there enough for me to take in a pot for lunch tomorrow too?

Yer ill put it in Tupperware for you.. oh i baked you some flapjack too.

(yes people that’s right, i baked flapjacks from scratch so the man i had loved for the last 9 years could be full of energy to go shag someone else)

Thanks love. 

 

He sits and eats with me and my friend

We start talking about other things – the weather, the news – this is f**ked up.

My friends phone rings – there’s something up at home – she has to go – shes very very sorry.

So we are left alone.

He potters around the flat picking up the bits he needs.

He calls me to the front door – hes bits are ready, hes going.

I feel numb.

He turns back

 

Sorry i forgot my pillow

You cant have it

Sorry?

You cant take it

Its mine

I paid for it

Mandy its my pillow!

I don’t care

(I paid £70 for it but that’s not why i wants it. i don’t really know why, i have however drenched it in his aftershave)

I need it for my neck.

 

I don’t know why his need for the pillow sets me off but it does. i start crying, sobbing really. Hes crying then too, We both say things. He cant be unhappy so i can be happy. Things like this – we go on for about a hour.

In the end he gets up and leaves , hes late to meet her.

I lay on my bedroom floor and howl – its dramatic but true. I stop after a while, i manage to make it to the bed. I get undressed and lay on top on the duvet but on my side of the bed. I cant get in it for some reason i don’t know why. I cover myself with a blanket. I lay in the dark. I try to read, i cant. I try to sleep, i cant. I just lay and stare at the ceiling.

5 Hours later…………..

My mind is drifting

I keep thinking i can hear him.

I wish he would come back to me and tell me it was all a dream, that we loves me and wont ever leave me again.

I hear his key in the door.

I’m going mad

Only i’m not and hes here.

 

I was worried that you would do something stupid so i came back to check on you.

 

I’m broken, i sob – i wanted him and hes here and he doesn’t love me and hes not staying.

 

Oh love please stop that. Come here, let me tuck you in, why are you under that blanket, get under the duvet.

 

He tucks me in, its like i’m a child.

In the back of my mind i’m having issues relating this man to the monster that has been giving me sexual tips, comparing my performance to this girl.

He is so tender, as i lay there and cry. He gets me 2 teddies that live in the spare room. He tucks them in with me and sits on the edge of the bed. I’m sobbing now because i feel this is him letting go – there no bravado, hes so tender – hes killing me with it.  He strokes my hair. I realize i wish i could die right now, with him stroking my hair and me looking in to his eyes. If the world stopped right now i would be OK with that.

He gets up

I cant breath he is going to leave

He stands there and looks at me

 

I’m going to stay tonight OK? But i’m going to leave in the morning and i wont stay again.

 

I just nod. He gets under the duvet and hugs me.

I feel his breathing level out after a while and i feel him drift off.

A very dark part of me considers getting up and taking an overdose so i can end my life curled up with him. I can end just like this, his arm is wrapped around me i’m scared to move in case he wakes up. I never want this night to end. I don’t do the overdose thing but i don’t sleep – not a single wink – i take this night in – i remember every sigh, every stretch, every breath.

He wakes in the morning – he gets dressed, he sits on my side of the bed. He tucks me in again with the 2 teddies. He strokes my hair, he hugs me. He tells me to sleep if i can. He tells me to take care. He’ll see me when he comes back to shower and eat.

He gone.

He’s going to leave.

He is going to leave to stay on a friends sofa.

She still lives with her parents so he cant go there.

He will stay there until they find a place together.

I want to die – i cant do this.

I love him so so much.

Hes leaving me.

 

I gave him everything – my first and only love, my first and only lover, my life, my soul.

 

I have nothing – i hate myself.

I’m empty – I’m a shell.

I have no future.

 

BBQ, sex and underwear.

The next 3 days are very very foggy.

Remembering these days is very hurtful.

He is still sleeping in our bed (each night he asks me if i want him to sleep on the sofa, i always say no) but is now openly seeing her.

My manager has let my close workmates know.

I’ve been signed off work for another 2 weeks.

Doctor has upped my meds.

The first night he gets home at 11pm – he tells me all about the BBQ *** has thrown so he can finally meet all her family. He tells me he enjoys this, her sister is pretty cool and he likes her boyfriend (I had been told her sister was bordering on death – hence all the previous contact). He does not seem to care how hearing this hurts me.

The night after he comes in at 3am. He tells me how he got a BJ in the car and how she wears sexy underwear for him. He always wanted me to wear those but felt at my size (uk 12) I was too fat. He gets straight into bed and sleeps. I silently cry myself to sleep.

The night after he comes home at 4am. He tells me how they had sex in car. I then get tips off how I can improve my sexual performance and how I can improve my BJs, how if i lost some weight someone will want me eventually. I’m stunned. I can’t breath. I can’t move. I cry. He gets mad. He calls me weak – he thinks I should pack a bag and just go straight home to my parents.

I curl up in a ball on my side of the bed.

I’ve perfected the silent cry now but he feels me shaking as I do this. He tells me if I don’t stop he’s leaving now. So I buried it again.

I lay there awake looking at his face

I wished I hated him
I wish I had never met him
I don’t want him to leave me
I feel utterly broken

You don’t want me anymore, do you?

I Last time i left off it was a Tuesday and i had some bad thoughts, seen a doctor, been signed off work and been told ‘she’ has suffering with stress.

For anyone that has read the previous posts its pretty obvious that things are over, but he had told me he was taking a week to decide what he wanted. He wanted me to know the things i would need to change IF he stayed.

I am in total and utter denial.

For the rest of that week i live in a odd fog – i don’t really remember what happened when but to be honest i don’t think anything much really did happen.

At the end of the week he comes home and tell me he think he has made he choice.

He starts to cry.

I Feel bad about this and hug him and stroke his hair while he cries.

When he has finished crying i ask what the choice is – i’m not crying (i’m having some kind of brake down at this point – its not helping that if i start crying he gets very very angry and threatens to leave = my brain comes to understand that if we don’t cry he may stay)

He says – (i oddly remember this with great clarity)

Mandy…..I……I…

You don’t want me anymore do you?

I just look at him

I feel cold.

He start to cry again and i hug him again.

When hes finished i think he looks wore out.

Shall we go to bed you look sleepy?

Yer thanks

So i lead him to bed and we lay in the dark

I never meant to hurt you

That’s it for me i’m gone. The gates open – all fear of him leaving if i cry goes out the window.

I sob and sob and sob

I’ve learnt the difference now, I’ve spoken to a few other women and men that this has happened too. The cry is almost animistic. You cry from your soul – i know, i know – that sounds sooo cheesy but its true.

You cry for more reasons than i can list.

Something in me was broken.

He starts to cry too, he hugs me.

Don’t, please don’t. Lets see how we feel tomorrow ah. i’ll think about it some more. Maybe….

He says nothing else.

Now looking back i think 2 things about this night.

1 – He is hurting when he hurts me. I’m not saying some of this tears are not guilt, cowardice, fear etc but i can see now finally breaking the news that he is going to be with her, seeing my pain – it hurt him – i don’t know how i feel about this.

2 – He is an utter git for giving me hope here, because in the last sentence of ‘lets see in the morning’ is all i immediately take from the whole night. He should have been firming but then i should have been stronger.