A (wake up) call from my Dad.

my dad

 

My dad is my hero – it sounds corny i know!

I don’t have children, I’ve never really wanted them. I’ve always said i’m too selfish for children but the truth is Dipstick was always dead set against kids and i was never fussed so its not something that ever came up.

When i was born my dad stayed at home and looked after me, and mother went out to work. It went like this for the first few years of my life.

I do wonder if that has cemented the relationship i have with him. He never did this for any of my brothers or sister, my mother got all of them in the first years while dad worked. I don’t actually remember those years obviously, but i assume they must have had an impact on me.

I’ve never been close to mother until this happened. Until he left.

Before he left i called home about once a month – he hated me having contact with my family. In the end it was easier to do as i was told.

Since this has happened – 3 and a half months ago – i have called her everyday. My mother is someone that loves to be needed. She is amazing in a crisis – its her specialty. Smaller things sometimes get left at the way side with mother. Don’t get me wrong i wouldn’t change her for the world and being honest I’ve taken her for granted up until this point. Who wants a surgeon that can’t perform heart surgery but puts a plaster on a paper cut in 2 seconds flat? My mother handles a crisis like no one else i know, she rocks it!!

Having said all that – Dad. Hes one of those men that only speaks when he truly has something to say. Dads stays silent most of the time and lets mother talk.

this week I’ve been up and down like a yo-yo on acid – this you can probably tell from the posts I’ve put up.

I had a break down, and in a very Bridget Jones style i called mother while i cried in the bath.

Its that sob again – that choking, chest heaving sob.

I’m trying to say that hes left me (she knows this)

I’m trying to say that i feel disgusting and broken (i’m sure I’ve told her this 100 times since he left)

I’m trying to say i can’t do this and i want to go to sleep and not wake up (I’ve been messing around with my med’s and i can now see the impact on my mood)

I’m trying to say i hurt so much that i have seriously thought about suicide (It goes a bit further than this but, A = that’s a different post and B = she cant understand me anyway)

She obviously at a loss at this point, doing this has maxed out her crisis handling ability i’m assuming.

She ends up hanging up – I don’t blame her – there’s nothing she can say, nothing she can do.

I throw the phone down on the floor and carry on with sobbing.

My land line starts ringing and it doesn’t stop.

Whoever is calling wont leave a message and keeps calling and retrying.

I drag myself out of the bath and answer the phone.

Its my Dad, mother has brought out the big guns.

‘Mandy you need to calm down’

‘Dad he’s……..’

‘That twat has had enough of your time’ – My dad never swears, this perforates my fog a little, also i register that this is the first time dad has bad mouthed him. I’ve been very protective of anyone being mean about him.

I start crying again

‘Mandy only you can bring your self out of this now. I don’t pretend to know what your going through, i don’t know what pain your in love. But your going to lose yourself. Its been over 3 months now, you need to start pulling out of this. I was engaged to someone else once, before your mum. I didn’t work out but i didn’t mind, i met your mum after. You will meet someone right for you in the future. Your still a baby, there is so much for you to live for. I’ve watched you wilt over the last few years, you use to be so bubbly. You will meet someone who will treat you the way you deserve, he treated you like shit Mandy. You will be OK. Its going to take time but things will turn around for you. You gave him too much love, you gave him too much of yourself. You lived his live darling, you didn’t live for yourself, you lived for him. You’ve never been an adult, you’ve never made your own choices. That’s no life darling. If you don’t start to get better soon i’m going to come and get you and you’ll have no choice but to come home. You said you wanted to live your own life and that fine but your not living at the moment your existing. you need to stop contact with him, Hes a barstard and every time you talk to him it brings you down. Stop worrying about him and what he wants, what hes doing. You need to start worrying about yourself or your not going to make it’

I’m sat on the floor with the phone in my hand.

Dads stopped talking, I’m stunned.

This is with out exception the longest and most emotional speech my dad has given. There are tears in my eyes just typing this. This is my dad on his super-dad A game. Hes told me things i didn’t know, things i’d been scared to admit, things i hadn’t even thought of and some home truths. Hearing your own dad say that you’ve been ‘treated like shit’ is hard.

I’m going to remember this to my dying day.

My dad at his most caring and honest.

He’s right – I’m wallowing, I’m self pitying, I’m being negative.

My parents are hurting seeing me in pain. I feel guilty.

For the first time I’m thinking of those around me.

I have been so utterly lost.

I think i need to try and find my way back to life now if i can.

I still hurt, i still feel sad but i need to drag myself forward it i can.

I hope i can.

And just one note to anyone reading this that is a parent – WOW i couldn’t do your job. I imagine its incredibly difficult and i really don’t think i have it in me. Well done.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Choice has been made – but not by me.

i have decided i need to remove all drink from my life – at least for a while. I might have ONE if i go out with friends but other than that I’m not going to drink on my own anymore. It seems to lead me to such a dark place and i don’t need any help with that.

I have spoken to my parents this morning and they have spoken to my landlady and between them they have decided what to do with me!

I feel like a child, my idea was to stay in my flat by myself and magically find a way to afford it, whilst laying on the sofa all day crying and watching NCIS. I’m being told i cant do this. On the plus side the landlady has refused his request to move in here once i’m out.

I guess this is really happening. I guess he’s really going to move in with her, i guess that they are in love.

I feel utter worthless.

When i could lay on the sofa all day whilst watching G from NCSI-LA always beating the bad guy i feel like i lose myself for a while. I forget the pain for 5 secs at a time.

I see I am acting like a child.

My stuff has to be out of here on the 16th. 6 days to clear my stuff out. My parents want me to go home. I’m not going to. I have no friends left there. In moments of clarity i feel i need to build something of my own.

I didn’t realize how much control he has over me, over my money, over me having friends, over what i wore, over what i thought, over how i acted.

I have nothing of my own.

I met him when i was 11.

When i was 12 i went home and told my dad i met my future husband.

When we where 17 /18 we started a proper relationship.

I was over the moon

I’m now 26 and i have nothing to show for the best years of my life.

How do i remove me from my mind?

From my heart?

I’m going to try to find somewhere to live today.

I’m going to try to do it by myself.

I’ve never done anything by myself.

Have you seen Facebook?

The next day he tells me he is going to take her shopping, shes stressed and he wants to treat her.

I sit on the sofa with my knees to my chest and stare into space – i seem to do this a lot.

I ask him if he will be home for dinner.

He says hes not sure.

 

Looking back on this now i literally cant believe that

A – he told me this.

B – I just accepted this, i cant believe how much i took.

 

About 2 hours later i go to the display unit in our hall way – its full of pictures, presents, shells, treasure found on the beaches and old cinema stubs. I take a box and start ripping the unit to pieces. i pack everything away. I make the mistake of looking at some of the tags and reading the loving messages there.

 

My phone rings

 

Its a friend of mine, she is a good friends – one of those people that you don’t see you ages then when you do catch up its like there was never any gap in contact. When i called her and told her about what was happening she cried with me (i don’t remember making this call but she told me i did it in the first days of it all)

Hi Mand, you OK?

I’m Broken

Oh Mand, i’m sorry to ask but have you seen Facebook?

 

My heart sinks at this, i haven’t told my family or any friends  that he is seeing her less than 24 hours after telling me its over. i think i know whats coming next.

 

Oh god, wait while i log on.

NO.. No don’t you look, please just go on and delete your profile. Please promise me you wont look.

 

I log on and follow her advice. i think i must have hung up at some point because the next thing i remember i’m sitting on the floor surrounded by our memories and my phone is ringing. its my mum i assume she has seen whatever made my friend call me.

I don’t answer

Instead i write a group text to all my family. i explain what has happened – that we are splitting up due to the fact he has been/wants to see someone else. I don’t know how long for but i think its been going on longer than the week he is saying. I send it then turn my phone off.

I finish packing the box then i run a bath. i pour a large glass of wine.

I get in the bath – i down the wine in 3 gulps then i cry – this turns in to a howl.

I’ve never howled like this – its even worst than the first night he told me it was over.

It must be bad as the person upstairs starts banging on the floor.

I cant stop but i do quieten down after a while.

Next thing i know i’m ‘coming to’ – the bath water is cold.

This is the first time i really recognize i have ‘lost time’. Its like people talk about alien abductions except with no UFOs – I’ve lost 2 hours.

I get out the bath – I’m immediately dizzy – I vomit – I vomit so much i end up dry heaving – there’s nothing left in me.

He walks in the door a few hours later – i’m in the kitchen as he has text-ed me saying he will be home for dinner – i’m cooking.

He throws down his shoes – hes mad about something.

 

Have you seen what ****** put on Facebook?

No – she called me today and asked me to delete Facebook so i did.

Well me and *** put ourselves in a relationship on Facebook and ****** put some comment on it about her being a whore and how many more marriages is she going to ruin? Poor *** had a panic attack – We where going to out out for dinner but i had to take her home.

 

I don’t say anything. I don’t ask him how he could do this to me when i haven’t even told my family. I don’t point out that he is trying to convince me its been less than a week and if that’s the case why everything so quick? I don’t ask how he can talk to me about HER stress?

Then he sees the display unit –

 

Where is everything?

I packed it way?

Why?

 

I don’t say anything to this – i just look at him

 

Have you chucked it way?

No!

Good i want to keep some of it.

 

At this point a tiny amount of realization takes hold.

This must have been going on a while, hes let go of me. He doesn’t seem to care about my pain anymore.

He seems more relived that he can be in the open with her.

I want to know how long they have been talking about the day he would break the news to me?

 

What i still don’t understand to this day is why is he mad i took the memories down front the display unit?

 

We eat

He asks me if i want him to sleep on the sofa

I say no

He gets in to bed and i go straight to sleep.

 

 

 

Pretending to be normal – and totally failing

We woke up the next morning and got ready for work, he was dropping me off then drove on to his work.

We didn’t really speak – Im still like a rabbit in the head lights – numb,scared,shocked and broken.

I get out the car and tell him I love him, I can’t remember if he tells me the same.

I have to walk a little way to work.

I stop by the river, I take out me phone and dial my parents number – I know dad is home on Monday mornings.

Mum picks up.

Mum….

What’s wrong?!

Is dad there with you?

Yer he is.

Can you go into the bedroom and put me on speaker phone.

Autopilot has made me aware that my little brothers and sisters will be getting ready for school and I don’t want them to hear this.

What’s wrong Mandy?!

I….. I……

That’s all I get out. I break down totally in public. I can here mum running down the stairs calling my dads name. She sounds scared. Not knowing how to really work her phone she has to ask my little sister to put me on speaker phone.

Mandy, what’s wrong.

I don’t really remember much else about the conversation with them except for the fact I can’t bring myself to tell them about the phone call. I mention a friendship that he has developed but say nothing else about that side of it.

I say he is unhappy. I tell them I’m not strong enough to deal with this. I ask them if I can move into their dinning room (Mum and dad have always made it clear there is always a home for you – they have converted their dining room into a spare bedroom a few times over the years).

I realise looking back over this conversation I am in total and utter denial.

One thing I do remember is repeating something I still struggle with now.

I have no roots
I have no roots

After moving away from all my friends and family 7 years ago to be in the part of the country he wanted I lost all my old friends. With the level of financial and emotional constraint that was exercised over me during the relationship I had not made any close friends since moving either.

I felt rootless.

I can’t remember how the conversation ended. The next thing I remember is being at work having a weigh in (sponsored slim-athon for charity that had been arranged the month before).

I remember feeling like I was looking at everyone through fog.

People kept telling me i looked ill.

I lasted 10 minutes then vomited all over the ladies room floor.

I leave work telling them I have a virus.

I go home – I call him on the way – he is mad at me for not dealing with this better.

I don’t remember anything else after the phone call to him.

(Thanks to my mum and dad for helping me remember the order of the day)