The first night i spent alone (lasted 5 hours)

A friends had come for have dinner with me so i wasn’t alone when he came and got his things.

He comes in –

 

I’m only going to be able to take what will fit in the car for now

OK 

I’ll be coming back to shower and eat most days so ill keep the key

OK

Is there any dinner?

Yer there’s extra pasta

Cool, is there enough for me to take in a pot for lunch tomorrow too?

Yer ill put it in Tupperware for you.. oh i baked you some flapjack too.

(yes people that’s right, i baked flapjacks from scratch so the man i had loved for the last 9 years could be full of energy to go shag someone else)

Thanks love. 

 

He sits and eats with me and my friend

We start talking about other things – the weather, the news – this is f**ked up.

My friends phone rings – there’s something up at home – she has to go – shes very very sorry.

So we are left alone.

He potters around the flat picking up the bits he needs.

He calls me to the front door – hes bits are ready, hes going.

I feel numb.

He turns back

 

Sorry i forgot my pillow

You cant have it

Sorry?

You cant take it

Its mine

I paid for it

Mandy its my pillow!

I don’t care

(I paid £70 for it but that’s not why i wants it. i don’t really know why, i have however drenched it in his aftershave)

I need it for my neck.

 

I don’t know why his need for the pillow sets me off but it does. i start crying, sobbing really. Hes crying then too, We both say things. He cant be unhappy so i can be happy. Things like this – we go on for about a hour.

In the end he gets up and leaves , hes late to meet her.

I lay on my bedroom floor and howl – its dramatic but true. I stop after a while, i manage to make it to the bed. I get undressed and lay on top on the duvet but on my side of the bed. I cant get in it for some reason i don’t know why. I cover myself with a blanket. I lay in the dark. I try to read, i cant. I try to sleep, i cant. I just lay and stare at the ceiling.

5 Hours later…………..

My mind is drifting

I keep thinking i can hear him.

I wish he would come back to me and tell me it was all a dream, that we loves me and wont ever leave me again.

I hear his key in the door.

I’m going mad

Only i’m not and hes here.

 

I was worried that you would do something stupid so i came back to check on you.

 

I’m broken, i sob – i wanted him and hes here and he doesn’t love me and hes not staying.

 

Oh love please stop that. Come here, let me tuck you in, why are you under that blanket, get under the duvet.

 

He tucks me in, its like i’m a child.

In the back of my mind i’m having issues relating this man to the monster that has been giving me sexual tips, comparing my performance to this girl.

He is so tender, as i lay there and cry. He gets me 2 teddies that live in the spare room. He tucks them in with me and sits on the edge of the bed. I’m sobbing now because i feel this is him letting go – there no bravado, hes so tender – hes killing me with it.  He strokes my hair. I realize i wish i could die right now, with him stroking my hair and me looking in to his eyes. If the world stopped right now i would be OK with that.

He gets up

I cant breath he is going to leave

He stands there and looks at me

 

I’m going to stay tonight OK? But i’m going to leave in the morning and i wont stay again.

 

I just nod. He gets under the duvet and hugs me.

I feel his breathing level out after a while and i feel him drift off.

A very dark part of me considers getting up and taking an overdose so i can end my life curled up with him. I can end just like this, his arm is wrapped around me i’m scared to move in case he wakes up. I never want this night to end. I don’t do the overdose thing but i don’t sleep – not a single wink – i take this night in – i remember every sigh, every stretch, every breath.

He wakes in the morning – he gets dressed, he sits on my side of the bed. He tucks me in again with the 2 teddies. He strokes my hair, he hugs me. He tells me to sleep if i can. He tells me to take care. He’ll see me when he comes back to shower and eat.

He gone.

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He’s going to leave.

He is going to leave to stay on a friends sofa.

She still lives with her parents so he cant go there.

He will stay there until they find a place together.

I want to die – i cant do this.

I love him so so much.

Hes leaving me.

 

I gave him everything – my first and only love, my first and only lover, my life, my soul.

 

I have nothing – i hate myself.

I’m empty – I’m a shell.

I have no future.

 

Game over – i decided to check out.

First of all this post is incredibly difficult to write. My family know i’m writing this blog but they have no idea of my intentions this day and do not have access to read it.

Its Tuesday the 23rd of April 2013 

I am meant to be on the late shift so he gets up and will be leaving before me.

You going to go in today?

I’m going to try.

You should go in.

I know.

You want some breakfast?

I still cant keep anything down.

Oh OK.

He eats then leaves. 

I cant really explain what happens next, a lot of things happen that i’m not really even consciously aware of. Looking back i think that i knew, i think i knew everything. I must have been aware that there was no saving this on some level. Although the conversations i was having with my parents consist of me telling them we are going to work things out. I think somewhere in the darkest corners of my mind i knew this was game over for us. 

I say that because its the only thing that explains what i did next.

I didn’t go into work, i sat on my sofa and looked out of my window at the river. 

After sometime i got up, i put some socks and shoes on and put my rain coat on (the sun was very bright that day – why the rain coat i have no idea).

Large heavy trucks run on a length of road behind my home. They drive quick down the little rat run and probably pass at a rate of 2 an hour.

I take a pad and pen and i write him a note – i say i’m not strong enough for this, that i love him and that i want him to have a good life. 

I leave the house that we only moved into 8 months ago and decide i am going to throw myself under the next truck that comes down my road.

I’m not in tears, i’m not hyperventilating, i’m empty and i’m so sad and I’m done.

 I’m standing at the edge of the road and i’m waiting.

Looking back its almost like i was having an out of body experience.

As i’m waiting for my truck to race down the road my phone rings.

Its mum.

Mandy are you OK?

…..yer mum……

We are worried.

At this point i breakdown i cry and sob.

Where are you?

Out.

Walk to your doctors.

I’m not registered at one.

(You have got to love the autopilot)

Just walk into one and ask to speak to a doctor.

The next thing i remember is being called into speak to a doctor (there is a medical center near my home).

The doctor says sorry for the hour wait – they had to find my medical records at my old doctors across town she tells me.

(This women is a live saver – i still see her now)

I wont go into exactly what happens in there but she contacts someone to give me the help i needed and starts me on some things to stabilize me.

I have no idea if mum realizes she saved my life that day. If i hadn’t got that call i have no idea if i would be here now.

The doctor signs me off for a week and sends me home. She has told me i have to call my manager and explain.

I do this – She is amazing – She tells me not a single person at work will now and she will meet me  the next day and collect my sick note and check in with me.

When he finds out that i have been signed off work he gets angry, like i’m doing this to make him feel bad.

I remember that night he tells me *** is so stressed she wasn’t able to come in to work today. 

Ah the poor thing – she must be having such a rough time!!!!

20th April 2013 was the end of my world.

Thanks for reading this, I’m hoping that as I tell my story it helps me move on and also helps anyone going through the same thing!

On the 20th of April my world started to fall part and for the next 2 weeks crumbled into the unrecognisable mess that I now have to drag myself through on a daily basis (some days more successfully than others).

Wow that last sentence seems extremely negative but it’s honest and if its one thing I have come to value it’s honesty. It’s something that was questionable in the last 8 months of the relationships.

I’m going to keep these post short but sweet (more like bitter)!!

Telling my story in one long post is going to drag me down more than I need to, but that’s not the only reason for telling my story in pieces.

It happened in fractured moments, splinters of days, short bursts of bitter conversations but it also happened in long drawn out night, hours of stoney silence, a look, a sob, a text, a call.

Life isn’t straight forward – it’s complicated – that’s the one thing I have learnt in all this.