The Memory Warehouse.

memory

I’m meant to be looking for somewhere to live but after 10 minutes of looking its pretty clear that I’m not going to find a nice place of my own for my budget.

So 2 choices – either house share or a crappy scummy flat above a shop somewhere.

Choices, choice – well I’m going to go for a walk soon and have a think but that’s not what this post is about.

While packing my stuff i found a book that Dipstick (that what i’m going to call him from now on) brought for me about 9 months ago – Just about the time he started shagging her.

It saying in it ‘love you xxx’ it made me think. did he mean this at the time he wrote this?

I sat for a while and started thinking about the book itself.

Dream-catcher by Stephen King

The memory warehouse – i always loved the idea.

I wish i could climb up into mine and remove every piece of him.

But having sat here for a while – i was 11 when we met – how much would be left?

Not a lot i imagine!!

How many of my shelves would have nothing but spiders and cob webs filling them.

I genuinely feel like he is such a large piece of my life that has now gone.

How do i get past this?

I think of him a million times a day.

I wish i could open my memory warehouse and throw a Molotov cocktail in there.

I wish i could wake up and not remember any of him!

Choice has been made – but not by me.

i have decided i need to remove all drink from my life – at least for a while. I might have ONE if i go out with friends but other than that I’m not going to drink on my own anymore. It seems to lead me to such a dark place and i don’t need any help with that.

I have spoken to my parents this morning and they have spoken to my landlady and between them they have decided what to do with me!

I feel like a child, my idea was to stay in my flat by myself and magically find a way to afford it, whilst laying on the sofa all day crying and watching NCIS. I’m being told i cant do this. On the plus side the landlady has refused his request to move in here once i’m out.

I guess this is really happening. I guess he’s really going to move in with her, i guess that they are in love.

I feel utter worthless.

When i could lay on the sofa all day whilst watching G from NCSI-LA always beating the bad guy i feel like i lose myself for a while. I forget the pain for 5 secs at a time.

I see I am acting like a child.

My stuff has to be out of here on the 16th. 6 days to clear my stuff out. My parents want me to go home. I’m not going to. I have no friends left there. In moments of clarity i feel i need to build something of my own.

I didn’t realize how much control he has over me, over my money, over me having friends, over what i wore, over what i thought, over how i acted.

I have nothing of my own.

I met him when i was 11.

When i was 12 i went home and told my dad i met my future husband.

When we where 17 /18 we started a proper relationship.

I was over the moon

I’m now 26 and i have nothing to show for the best years of my life.

How do i remove me from my mind?

From my heart?

I’m going to try to find somewhere to live today.

I’m going to try to do it by myself.

I’ve never done anything by myself.

Lost

I feel utterly lost

When he left me said he wanted to take nothing with him except his clothes.

This has now changed he’s now told me he wants

Sofa

Our bed – our fucking bed! She wants to sleep in our bed

He wants the fridge freezer

The TV, DVD, surround sound, play station,

Bedside tables

Lamps

Washing machine

Dishwasher

I don’t really care about any of it.

I just want him back

I’m so lost

I don’t understand why this is happening.

Shouldn’t be drinking!!

I’m pissed

I shouldn’t be drinking with these tablets. I only had 3.

I miss him

I hurt

I don’t understand what I did wrong

I’d trade my soul for him right now

I miss him

I don’t know how much longer I can take this pain

I hurt, every piece of me hurts.

What did I do wrong

I want him

I feel like screaming

He’s with her now

I feel like he’s taken a piece of me with him

I don’t feel whole anymore

I hurt

It hurts so much

I can’t take much more

Why doesn’t he want me

I’m still scared he will turn up with her and try to move her in

I’ve run our of drink

I could do with another

I can’t do this

I think I’m broken

Inside joke and a little revenge!!

I wasn’t too bad when I got up this morning, I felt numb really. But I did it with minimal crying. Then a friend made a joke and for some reason it just brought me all the may back down. I walked in to the break room talking to my mum and said ‘love you, bye’ my friend then said ‘Hey Mand was that *****’

I didn’t get it, he thought it was hilarious. It didn’t get it. I tried to think after where the joke was.

This guy isn’t a bad guy, his wife left him 9 months ago. Maybe this is a joke that I’ll understand in 6 months.

I suppose I’m being sensitive but they have now found a place of there own. I’m struggling when anything reminds me of him. It’s like a punch in the gut. Sometimes something will hit me and I’ll feel a physical pain.

Why do we miss people that have hurt us so much.

I worry about him, he sat and talked to me a while ago about his fears regarding leaving me.

He was worried he was making a mistake. He was worried he would look back at this moment and think that’s where his life went wrong – in my opinion his life went wrong when he put his penis in someone else but I’m probably biased on the situation.

I asked him why he was not sharing his hopes and dreams with ***. He said that she didn’t like hearing about his ‘old life’.

So I sat and chatted to him. He talked about he’s fears, I then did something mean. The first mean thing that I’ve done to him in all this. I casually told him that I thought his bald spot was getting bigger.

He is monumentally sensitive about this. He froze and looked at me – he has thought the same. He’s sure it’s because of all the stress. I imagine it is.

Ripping the heart out of the women who has loved you for 9 years then psychologically abusing her till the thought of an overdose becomes an attractive proposition must really raise the blood pressure.

I feel a little bad being mean to him. No I’m not selling his sound system or shredding his clothes but for now this is my little bit of revenge.

I still miss him. I’m a dick.

Accepting some facts.

I wrote a post last night – I didn’t set out to write about any certain subject. I felt I just needed to splurge.

It got to a point about missing him – I tried to list all the things I miss, all the reasons to miss him – I struggled to do this. It planted a seed and I didn’t sleep much last night. This seed seems to have grown into a small sapling.

I found a major difference between what I wanted to write and the truth.

He didn’t tell me I was pretty.

He didn’t tell me I was the most special girl in the world.

He would not tell me how much I meant to him.

In the last 9 years he cooked me dinner 3 times (one of those were raw chicken) – I had to cook even if I was on a late shift.

He didn’t like the way I would clean – he would do it again.

He would call me lazy.

He hated driving me around but would not help me pay for driving lessons.

In march I was offered a promotion – after talking with him he decided I should not take it so I didn’t. If I had right now I would have been able to afford my home and I would not be having to think about moving.

He wasn’t really very nice to me in the last few years! I feel a bit of a fool being in such pain – he’s not mourning our relationship. He’s moving on with this women he’s been shagging for the last 8 months.

What do I really miss –

Having someone at home when I get there.
Having someone to share my inner most thoughts with.
I miss going out to dinner in really nice places.
I miss sex with someone that cares about me.
I miss sleeping next to someone.

I got out of bed this morning with minimal crying.

I’m not better, I’m not free of pain, I still miss him but now I’m thinking…… Maybe this wasn’t 100% my fault. He says it is. I don’t know anymore.

A Evening with Dr Jekyll and the return of Mr Hyde

My days are long and slow and painful.

They are marked by mile stones that are no longer valid for me

7.30 am – I should be getting up and making him breakfast and packing his lunch box but hes not here.

10.30 am – He would be having tea break – He would find the little letter of the day, it would be folded under his sandwich in his lunch box. sometimes it would only be a little picture of a heart, sometimes a smiley face, sometimes a sex act i plan to offer up that night. Just something to make him smile. But there’s no little letter of the day because i don’t pack his lunchbox anymore.

12 noon – Its his lunch  – He would call me, we would have a little chat about the day. We tend not to speak on the phone anymore and i really don’t want to hear about his working day anymore (he works with her – its how they met)

5.30 pm – He would be leave now – but hes not coming home to me.

I miss him – i miss him with every part of me.

We are still under contract with the flat for another month or so, i cant afford to pay this myself so he is helping me pay  – only a 5th of the rental cost, but because of this he has decided to keep the key and return to eat and shower. My wages cover the bills but only just so the £200 i get from him I’m using to pay for food and travel.

During a shower/dinner visit – i chat to him while he showers, he chats to me in the kitchen while i cook dinner, something then happens which i have promised to God will not happen again. Later we are chatting on the sofa with tea – I’m on cloud 9 – I’m happy. I think i can do this because i haven’t really lost him. I just kinda don’t have him all the time (YES IM AN UTTER FOOL – I KNOW THAT NOW)

He then starts a conversation that i will remember to my dying day – i will remember it because i looked into his eyes when he took my last piece of hope and ripped the throat out of it.

I was thinking – do i know you? Are you human? Did i ever know you? Did you ever love me?

I truly believed that the worst things had been said – comparing my sexual performance to her, telling me about the underwear she wears for him and him giving me a list of the sex acts they did.

I thought these things he had said where a moment of madness – the stress of finally ending things.

But there was worst to come –

 

We are having issues affording first months rent and deposit on a place!

OK?!

Well this place would be perfect for us!

 

(there had been talk about him wanting the flat when he first told me but i was not willing to leave)

 

Shes come up with a few ideas on how to save us money and get the flat!

 

My Brain is stalling, I’m trying to process what is being said. I don’t understand – We have had a lovely evening – i don’t understand.

 

Well She thinks if i stop paying you the £200 a month then you wont be able to go to work or eat and then you will have to go home.

……….

Or she thinks she should just turn up with her bags and move in. I’m still on the tenancy so legally i can come back anytime.

Do you think she will be safe?

I wouldn’t let  you hurt her.

You would have to leave her alone at some point.

Well I’m not saying i would do it. I’m not saying i agreed, it was just an idea!

Could you? Could you do this to me? Could you move her in? If you could do it to me is she not worried one day you could do it to her?

 

I look in his eyes. I’m crying now – I’m truly damaged.

 

How many more ways can he find to hurt me?

 

I don’t think there are anymore, but i thought the same thing before he stepped through the door that evening.

 

The first night i spent alone (lasted 5 hours)

A friends had come for have dinner with me so i wasn’t alone when he came and got his things.

He comes in –

 

I’m only going to be able to take what will fit in the car for now

OK 

I’ll be coming back to shower and eat most days so ill keep the key

OK

Is there any dinner?

Yer there’s extra pasta

Cool, is there enough for me to take in a pot for lunch tomorrow too?

Yer ill put it in Tupperware for you.. oh i baked you some flapjack too.

(yes people that’s right, i baked flapjacks from scratch so the man i had loved for the last 9 years could be full of energy to go shag someone else)

Thanks love. 

 

He sits and eats with me and my friend

We start talking about other things – the weather, the news – this is f**ked up.

My friends phone rings – there’s something up at home – she has to go – shes very very sorry.

So we are left alone.

He potters around the flat picking up the bits he needs.

He calls me to the front door – hes bits are ready, hes going.

I feel numb.

He turns back

 

Sorry i forgot my pillow

You cant have it

Sorry?

You cant take it

Its mine

I paid for it

Mandy its my pillow!

I don’t care

(I paid £70 for it but that’s not why i wants it. i don’t really know why, i have however drenched it in his aftershave)

I need it for my neck.

 

I don’t know why his need for the pillow sets me off but it does. i start crying, sobbing really. Hes crying then too, We both say things. He cant be unhappy so i can be happy. Things like this – we go on for about a hour.

In the end he gets up and leaves , hes late to meet her.

I lay on my bedroom floor and howl – its dramatic but true. I stop after a while, i manage to make it to the bed. I get undressed and lay on top on the duvet but on my side of the bed. I cant get in it for some reason i don’t know why. I cover myself with a blanket. I lay in the dark. I try to read, i cant. I try to sleep, i cant. I just lay and stare at the ceiling.

5 Hours later…………..

My mind is drifting

I keep thinking i can hear him.

I wish he would come back to me and tell me it was all a dream, that we loves me and wont ever leave me again.

I hear his key in the door.

I’m going mad

Only i’m not and hes here.

 

I was worried that you would do something stupid so i came back to check on you.

 

I’m broken, i sob – i wanted him and hes here and he doesn’t love me and hes not staying.

 

Oh love please stop that. Come here, let me tuck you in, why are you under that blanket, get under the duvet.

 

He tucks me in, its like i’m a child.

In the back of my mind i’m having issues relating this man to the monster that has been giving me sexual tips, comparing my performance to this girl.

He is so tender, as i lay there and cry. He gets me 2 teddies that live in the spare room. He tucks them in with me and sits on the edge of the bed. I’m sobbing now because i feel this is him letting go – there no bravado, hes so tender – hes killing me with it.  He strokes my hair. I realize i wish i could die right now, with him stroking my hair and me looking in to his eyes. If the world stopped right now i would be OK with that.

He gets up

I cant breath he is going to leave

He stands there and looks at me

 

I’m going to stay tonight OK? But i’m going to leave in the morning and i wont stay again.

 

I just nod. He gets under the duvet and hugs me.

I feel his breathing level out after a while and i feel him drift off.

A very dark part of me considers getting up and taking an overdose so i can end my life curled up with him. I can end just like this, his arm is wrapped around me i’m scared to move in case he wakes up. I never want this night to end. I don’t do the overdose thing but i don’t sleep – not a single wink – i take this night in – i remember every sigh, every stretch, every breath.

He wakes in the morning – he gets dressed, he sits on my side of the bed. He tucks me in again with the 2 teddies. He strokes my hair, he hugs me. He tells me to sleep if i can. He tells me to take care. He’ll see me when he comes back to shower and eat.

He gone.

Have you seen Facebook?

The next day he tells me he is going to take her shopping, shes stressed and he wants to treat her.

I sit on the sofa with my knees to my chest and stare into space – i seem to do this a lot.

I ask him if he will be home for dinner.

He says hes not sure.

 

Looking back on this now i literally cant believe that

A – he told me this.

B – I just accepted this, i cant believe how much i took.

 

About 2 hours later i go to the display unit in our hall way – its full of pictures, presents, shells, treasure found on the beaches and old cinema stubs. I take a box and start ripping the unit to pieces. i pack everything away. I make the mistake of looking at some of the tags and reading the loving messages there.

 

My phone rings

 

Its a friend of mine, she is a good friends – one of those people that you don’t see you ages then when you do catch up its like there was never any gap in contact. When i called her and told her about what was happening she cried with me (i don’t remember making this call but she told me i did it in the first days of it all)

Hi Mand, you OK?

I’m Broken

Oh Mand, i’m sorry to ask but have you seen Facebook?

 

My heart sinks at this, i haven’t told my family or any friends  that he is seeing her less than 24 hours after telling me its over. i think i know whats coming next.

 

Oh god, wait while i log on.

NO.. No don’t you look, please just go on and delete your profile. Please promise me you wont look.

 

I log on and follow her advice. i think i must have hung up at some point because the next thing i remember i’m sitting on the floor surrounded by our memories and my phone is ringing. its my mum i assume she has seen whatever made my friend call me.

I don’t answer

Instead i write a group text to all my family. i explain what has happened – that we are splitting up due to the fact he has been/wants to see someone else. I don’t know how long for but i think its been going on longer than the week he is saying. I send it then turn my phone off.

I finish packing the box then i run a bath. i pour a large glass of wine.

I get in the bath – i down the wine in 3 gulps then i cry – this turns in to a howl.

I’ve never howled like this – its even worst than the first night he told me it was over.

It must be bad as the person upstairs starts banging on the floor.

I cant stop but i do quieten down after a while.

Next thing i know i’m ‘coming to’ – the bath water is cold.

This is the first time i really recognize i have ‘lost time’. Its like people talk about alien abductions except with no UFOs – I’ve lost 2 hours.

I get out the bath – I’m immediately dizzy – I vomit – I vomit so much i end up dry heaving – there’s nothing left in me.

He walks in the door a few hours later – i’m in the kitchen as he has text-ed me saying he will be home for dinner – i’m cooking.

He throws down his shoes – hes mad about something.

 

Have you seen what ****** put on Facebook?

No – she called me today and asked me to delete Facebook so i did.

Well me and *** put ourselves in a relationship on Facebook and ****** put some comment on it about her being a whore and how many more marriages is she going to ruin? Poor *** had a panic attack – We where going to out out for dinner but i had to take her home.

 

I don’t say anything. I don’t ask him how he could do this to me when i haven’t even told my family. I don’t point out that he is trying to convince me its been less than a week and if that’s the case why everything so quick? I don’t ask how he can talk to me about HER stress?

Then he sees the display unit –

 

Where is everything?

I packed it way?

Why?

 

I don’t say anything to this – i just look at him

 

Have you chucked it way?

No!

Good i want to keep some of it.

 

At this point a tiny amount of realization takes hold.

This must have been going on a while, hes let go of me. He doesn’t seem to care about my pain anymore.

He seems more relived that he can be in the open with her.

I want to know how long they have been talking about the day he would break the news to me?

 

What i still don’t understand to this day is why is he mad i took the memories down front the display unit?

 

We eat

He asks me if i want him to sleep on the sofa

I say no

He gets in to bed and i go straight to sleep.

 

 

 

Pretending to be normal – and totally failing

We woke up the next morning and got ready for work, he was dropping me off then drove on to his work.

We didn’t really speak – Im still like a rabbit in the head lights – numb,scared,shocked and broken.

I get out the car and tell him I love him, I can’t remember if he tells me the same.

I have to walk a little way to work.

I stop by the river, I take out me phone and dial my parents number – I know dad is home on Monday mornings.

Mum picks up.

Mum….

What’s wrong?!

Is dad there with you?

Yer he is.

Can you go into the bedroom and put me on speaker phone.

Autopilot has made me aware that my little brothers and sisters will be getting ready for school and I don’t want them to hear this.

What’s wrong Mandy?!

I….. I……

That’s all I get out. I break down totally in public. I can here mum running down the stairs calling my dads name. She sounds scared. Not knowing how to really work her phone she has to ask my little sister to put me on speaker phone.

Mandy, what’s wrong.

I don’t really remember much else about the conversation with them except for the fact I can’t bring myself to tell them about the phone call. I mention a friendship that he has developed but say nothing else about that side of it.

I say he is unhappy. I tell them I’m not strong enough to deal with this. I ask them if I can move into their dinning room (Mum and dad have always made it clear there is always a home for you – they have converted their dining room into a spare bedroom a few times over the years).

I realise looking back over this conversation I am in total and utter denial.

One thing I do remember is repeating something I still struggle with now.

I have no roots
I have no roots

After moving away from all my friends and family 7 years ago to be in the part of the country he wanted I lost all my old friends. With the level of financial and emotional constraint that was exercised over me during the relationship I had not made any close friends since moving either.

I felt rootless.

I can’t remember how the conversation ended. The next thing I remember is being at work having a weigh in (sponsored slim-athon for charity that had been arranged the month before).

I remember feeling like I was looking at everyone through fog.

People kept telling me i looked ill.

I lasted 10 minutes then vomited all over the ladies room floor.

I leave work telling them I have a virus.

I go home – I call him on the way – he is mad at me for not dealing with this better.

I don’t remember anything else after the phone call to him.

(Thanks to my mum and dad for helping me remember the order of the day)