I’m back!

Hi all!!!

After a odd few weeks I feel I need to give you all a quick catch up before diving into a new post on Monday.

Ambushed by his family in the work place!!,

Oh yes people, after contacting dipsticks family and asking them not to contact me anymore they appeared at my desk!! I literally could not believe my eyes! I was paralysed, there was nothing I could do. Customers where milling around and my work colleges where there. I talked to them for about 10 minutes before bursting into tears. Someone I worked with asked them to leave. I sobbed while laying on a pallet of concrete fence posts for 40 minutes. His mother says she will write to me soon, I asked her not to but she says she will anyway.

Therapy

My therapist has finally made me understand that my healing is being stunted by contact. I am in the process of cutting all ties with him – legally, financially, spiritually, mentally and physically. She has also made me understand how very wrong he was to be coming and having sex with me behind her back in the early months. I was so hoping by keeping this intimacy he would come back. He kept the hope alight at every point. Kept me hanging with every visit, every text and every call. She has also made me understand that I need to take responsibility for my healing – I need to move forward or I will rot where I am.

Dipstick

He still emails. I’ve asked him to stop. He still texts. I’ve asked him to stop. In his last email he reminded me to unpack my winter coat

“It’s getting cold Love, I don’t want you getting ill”

He is killing me with kindness, I won’t be reading anymore of his emails. I’m in the process of getting a new phone and new email. I still have love for him. Surprisingly the thought of touching him/kiss him turns my stomach. I don’t know when this change happened, I can’t remember it happening but it has. I still care about him. My feelings for him are a mass of contradictions and tangled roots.

Life

I got a modest raise at work. They said I had done so well over the last few months. Boxing buddy want to house share with me once my current situation expires in feb. I thinking about it. House shares girlfriend has turned into Glenn Close. Things at the house share are strained.

My trolls

Im not bothered anymore, I’ve overcome worst things.

Eharmony

I’ll explain all Monday. Let’s just say for now it’s been a learning curve.

WordPress buddies

Thank you for the kind words. You are the reason I have returned, I’ve missed you all. You give me strength when I need it and you know all my secrets!!!

XXXX

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Eharmony, GTA and finding my path.

My life over the last 2 days has consisted of 2 things.

Eharmony and GTA.

One sweet and one sour.

One about the future and one about the past.

I have discovered over the last few days that I can now manage to juggle these simultaneously. A few weeks ago thinking of the past would drag me down to a dark place, all thinking of my current situation would disappear.

I’d sink down to a dark place, I’d be surrounded by decay, darkness, thoughts of black Thursday. The past would crowd me while at the same time I would be utterly surrounded by emptiness. The void that exists in my life would threaten to envelope me.

Now though I manage to exist between the two worlds.

Less dark cellar full of decay and death, more dark cellar full of old boxes and the occasional bear trap.

I feel like I’m straddling my past and future. I replied to sister in laws text, I apologised for the time it’s taken to respond and said I would like to met up.

I’ve also said I would like to write to his mother. I know this isn’t everyone’s choice but I’m a little curious as to see what she has to say.

My therapist talking to me about DV has really shaken something out of me. I seem a little more balanced. I’m thinking about thinks in a different way.

Eharmony

I’ve started with the free profile with plans to upgrade when I’m paid.

I’m enjoying it.

I have a few mail I can’t read due to being a non paying member but its interesting talking to people when I can’t see there pictures. I’m thinking if my views are going to change when I can see them.

GTA

I preordered the new GTA for dickhead before the separation.

He took his preorder slip when he moved out.

I however took the play station.

Seeing all the adverts had made me think of him constantly in the lasts few days.

I can honestly say

-I miss him.
-I have love for him.
-His unhappiness manifested in some very nasty behavioural traits.
-In the last few years I was made to pay for his unhappiness.
-I don’t think his treatment of me was intentional.
-I handled things all wrong.
-I will never let anyone chip away at my confidence, self esteem and self belief ever again (once they are all built back up)
-In my turmoil at my inability to ‘fix things’ I buried my head in the sand and let go you myself.
-I will never be the person I was.
-I should never have to change myself to please someone.
-I WANT to work on losing a little weight and toning up (not because I’m being call fat, ugly and useless but because this is what I want for myself)
-I think I might just make it.
-I don’t have to deal with any of the legal stuff for a while (neither of us have any money)
-By the time I have to deal with the legal stuff I think I will be ready.
-I’m massively thankful to the people that have helped me along the way.

I think I have found my path now or at least the well worn track to the path.

I’m not fixed or healed or even happy but I think I might just make it.

House-share

I’ve now signed the papers on a house share.

When I put out word I was looking for somewhere to live I got a phone call.

It’s was a gent I have known and worked with for 7 years. I haven’t known him extremely well but he’s a kind hearted man and best friends with my manager.

Manager had mentioned me in conversation due to what I was going through. He found out in November that his wife has been seeing another man.

He knows what I’m going through. He asked if I wanted to do a house share. He had found a property very close to work and someone else had dropped out.

It’s 3 bed (spare room for my family to come stay, and for his son to come stay once a month) and my room is ensuite.

Pros

Ensuite bedroom.
Housemate that knows what I’m going through and isn’t going to ask questions when I lay crying on the sofa. Won’t have to get bus to work, it’s in walking distance.
Saving enough money to start a little nest egg (£40 to my name at the moment). A bit of company in quite moments.

Cons

This guy is double my age.
I feel odd about sharing with a guy.
Gossip at work.
Hoping he doesn’t make a pass at me.

Ok so all of the above cons seem like my hang ups and anyway I’ve done it now.

I’ve signed for 6 month.

I’ve had a chat with manager about it, she thinks its a great idea and I trust her.

I made a bit of a fool of myself I think. I had the whole ‘you get this is purely a money saving/platonic thing right’ conversation with him. He’s one for a bit of banter but I hope he understands this. I’ve made it clear.

This is the first adult choice I have made by myself in my whole life.

I’ve probably done the wrong thing but its my choice. We work different shifts and have different days off so its not like will see loads of each other.

In 6 months time I can then think about moving back home if I want. Dipstick and The Thing now live 40 minutes away.

He wanted to know where I was moving to. I’ve told him the town and also the supermarket I will be using. He said he will try to stay away, I hope he does. I need time to heal.

Big day ahead!

It’s 6.30am and I’m on the bus on the way to work.

I’m wishing I could opt out of the next 18 hours.

Dipstick is coming to get the last of his things.

We have agreed that there will be no contact for a while. I can’t deal with any of the legal stuff right now. I imagine they will get engaged soon then push for marriage in 6 months.

I will take 6 months to try to get my stuff together, then I feel I will be more ready to deal with all the legal bits.

I’ve been told that his parents are taking a loan against their home. This is to clean our debts so he can make a fresh start. His parents don’t expect me to pay any of this back – they have also cut contact with me now.

While he is collecting his bits ill be seeing caseworker and shrink.

I’m keep crying this morning. I left him a goodbye letter.

I’m struggling today.

When I finally get in I’m going straight to bed!

Not coping well today.

Dooms Day

I woke up early and decided we should go some where public.

You are still being odd – i cant understand why you wont say anything.

You keep smiling at my oddly

My brain at this point seems unable to register the mixture of sadness, fear and pity that is showing on your face 

The day passes in an odd blur, you keep telling me you feel sick.

I buy you some jeans and a new top.

I finally face my fear and take you to Costa and sit you down.

You tell me your not happy.

You haven’t been for a while.

You have feeling for someone else.

She can give you what you want.

But………..

Nothing has happened 

You don’t know what you want.

You are worried i have been unhappy too.

You want us to take some time to think, are we really happy?

We will take a week, we will think.

NOTHING will happen with her.

We will working this out with grace and respect.

All the while you say these things my mind is falling…. falling…..

I CANT UNDERSTAND

I have been happy

I love you

I moved away from all my family and friends for you.

I trusted you

I was honest, faithful, caring, loving.

WHAT HAVE I DONE???????

I’m staring at you and i feel so scared.

So so scared…………

And worst of all looking back i also felt the cruelest of all things –     

                                                Hope