Dear Dipstick

To my dear Dipstick

I’ve been to see my therapist today and its been a bit of a difficult session. After a long chat we decided that I should write you a letter. You see for the last few weeks I’ve been struggling with something new – my anger. It’s becoming a bit of a beast, it rears its head at the most unexpected of times. I’m taking things out on people that don’t deserve it, people that have been there for me when I was really low.

Therapist thinks I need you to feel my pain, I WANT you to feel my pain. You have caused me more pain than I thought it was possible to inflict on a soul. I always measured pain in broken bones and bruised skin but you caused me more pain than a thought it was possible for someone to contain.

I didn’t love you the first time I met you but It was soon after, I loved you when you where 12 and had bright blonde hair, I loved you when you where covered in puppy fat and I loved you when you pulled my hair. I loved you when you broken my locker and I loved you when you threw balls of paper at me. I loved you when you walked me to school and I loved you when you asked me to be your girlfriend. I loved you when I kissed you for the first time – my first real kiss. I thought my heart would burst when the day finally came and I was yours and you where mine.

Looking back I started changing for you early on. I was so young, far far too young for such love. My family – you didn’t like them, you looked down on them for being poor – you assumed that made them bad people. My dad is the most amazing man, so so kind, you never gave him a chance.

In the end it made it easier if I went along with what you wanted. I worshiped the ground you walked on and spent all my time trying to make you happy and please you.

I took an overdose you know?! I reached my limit, I couldn’t take anymore. I wanted it over, the pain, my hurt and this non life that I had been left with.

You took my life and you made it a bomb site.

You ruined me, you treated me like I was disposable, like I didn’t matter.

I gave you honesty,fidelity,love and my life, my soul. Why wasn’t I enough for you?

Why?

Why?

But I guess I’m never going to get an answer to that.

My therapist has explained some things to me, has me researching others.

Your unhappiness manifested itself in some really vile ways.

You should have just left me 9 months ago when you realised you had feelings for her, before the sex started you should have gone.

You should have taken more responsibility for things.

You shouldn’t have hurt me, why did you do it?

Why did you stop me seeing my family?
Why did you make me feel so so small?
Why did you treat me like I was less than human?

I hurt so much but I feel like the tide is turning, I will grow.
I will become stronger.

I don’t think I will meet anyone else.

I loved you with everything I was.

But I’m not what I was anymore.

I’m new.

I see you.
I see you for the lost little boy you are.

I see you for the petulant child that hides just beyond the surface.

I’m not in love with you anymore.

I wouldn’t take you back anymore, if you came back there would be pause.
There would be thought.

I have love for you but I’m not in love with you – remember when you told me that, well dipstick the feeling is mutual.

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One decision made, still thinking about the other .

I have finally made the choice regarding if i should see dipsticks mother and sister.

I’m going to do it!

I’m still thinking about if i should give them my address or not?!

I feel calm today – not sunny beach calm but eyes of the storm calm.

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

I’ve developed a method that when ever i start to think about –

him, her, them, my shared past, my pain, the night he would tell me ‘stuff about them’,

I think about a metal vault door slamming shut.

I cant let myself do it anymore.

The issue is it leaves me numb.

I feel dead inside.

I feel like there’s a caged tiger inside me.

When this first happened everyone asked why i was not angry, people i spoke to that had been through the same thing then said i would get angry.

I didn’t get angry, but now i feel odd.

I don’t FEEL angry but i feel like i’m full of anger.

I feel like a caged tiger lives in me.

I feel like the caged tiger is angry, hungry, crazed, bored, hurt, possessed, on edge and damaged.

I feel like shes got bits missing.

She just wants to run and run and run.

She wants to rip and claw and bite and pull things to shreds with her claws.

She wants to roar till her throat burns and her whole world is silent.

Silent and every other being has stopped and is still.

She wants peace.

She wants not to be caged.

She wants to run.

She wants to free.

Sometimes she wants to be alone and sometimes she wants to be with others.

She wants not to hurt.

She wants peace.

Shes looking for the bits that are missing from her, she knows somethings missing.

She doesn’t know what and she doesn’t know where to find them.

She is so hurt.

 

I can sense her anger but i don’t seem to FEEL it.

I sense her pain and i just want her to feel better.

I sense her unease and just want to calm her.

 

I feel numb.

 

Pretending to be normal – and totally failing

We woke up the next morning and got ready for work, he was dropping me off then drove on to his work.

We didn’t really speak – Im still like a rabbit in the head lights – numb,scared,shocked and broken.

I get out the car and tell him I love him, I can’t remember if he tells me the same.

I have to walk a little way to work.

I stop by the river, I take out me phone and dial my parents number – I know dad is home on Monday mornings.

Mum picks up.

Mum….

What’s wrong?!

Is dad there with you?

Yer he is.

Can you go into the bedroom and put me on speaker phone.

Autopilot has made me aware that my little brothers and sisters will be getting ready for school and I don’t want them to hear this.

What’s wrong Mandy?!

I….. I……

That’s all I get out. I break down totally in public. I can here mum running down the stairs calling my dads name. She sounds scared. Not knowing how to really work her phone she has to ask my little sister to put me on speaker phone.

Mandy, what’s wrong.

I don’t really remember much else about the conversation with them except for the fact I can’t bring myself to tell them about the phone call. I mention a friendship that he has developed but say nothing else about that side of it.

I say he is unhappy. I tell them I’m not strong enough to deal with this. I ask them if I can move into their dinning room (Mum and dad have always made it clear there is always a home for you – they have converted their dining room into a spare bedroom a few times over the years).

I realise looking back over this conversation I am in total and utter denial.

One thing I do remember is repeating something I still struggle with now.

I have no roots
I have no roots

After moving away from all my friends and family 7 years ago to be in the part of the country he wanted I lost all my old friends. With the level of financial and emotional constraint that was exercised over me during the relationship I had not made any close friends since moving either.

I felt rootless.

I can’t remember how the conversation ended. The next thing I remember is being at work having a weigh in (sponsored slim-athon for charity that had been arranged the month before).

I remember feeling like I was looking at everyone through fog.

People kept telling me i looked ill.

I lasted 10 minutes then vomited all over the ladies room floor.

I leave work telling them I have a virus.

I go home – I call him on the way – he is mad at me for not dealing with this better.

I don’t remember anything else after the phone call to him.

(Thanks to my mum and dad for helping me remember the order of the day)

20th April 2013 was the end of my world.

Thanks for reading this, I’m hoping that as I tell my story it helps me move on and also helps anyone going through the same thing!

On the 20th of April my world started to fall part and for the next 2 weeks crumbled into the unrecognisable mess that I now have to drag myself through on a daily basis (some days more successfully than others).

Wow that last sentence seems extremely negative but it’s honest and if its one thing I have come to value it’s honesty. It’s something that was questionable in the last 8 months of the relationships.

I’m going to keep these post short but sweet (more like bitter)!!

Telling my story in one long post is going to drag me down more than I need to, but that’s not the only reason for telling my story in pieces.

It happened in fractured moments, splinters of days, short bursts of bitter conversations but it also happened in long drawn out night, hours of stoney silence, a look, a sob, a text, a call.

Life isn’t straight forward – it’s complicated – that’s the one thing I have learnt in all this.