Eharmony, GTA and finding my path.

My life over the last 2 days has consisted of 2 things.

Eharmony and GTA.

One sweet and one sour.

One about the future and one about the past.

I have discovered over the last few days that I can now manage to juggle these simultaneously. A few weeks ago thinking of the past would drag me down to a dark place, all thinking of my current situation would disappear.

I’d sink down to a dark place, I’d be surrounded by decay, darkness, thoughts of black Thursday. The past would crowd me while at the same time I would be utterly surrounded by emptiness. The void that exists in my life would threaten to envelope me.

Now though I manage to exist between the two worlds.

Less dark cellar full of decay and death, more dark cellar full of old boxes and the occasional bear trap.

I feel like I’m straddling my past and future. I replied to sister in laws text, I apologised for the time it’s taken to respond and said I would like to met up.

I’ve also said I would like to write to his mother. I know this isn’t everyone’s choice but I’m a little curious as to see what she has to say.

My therapist talking to me about DV has really shaken something out of me. I seem a little more balanced. I’m thinking about thinks in a different way.

Eharmony

I’ve started with the free profile with plans to upgrade when I’m paid.

I’m enjoying it.

I have a few mail I can’t read due to being a non paying member but its interesting talking to people when I can’t see there pictures. I’m thinking if my views are going to change when I can see them.

GTA

I preordered the new GTA for dickhead before the separation.

He took his preorder slip when he moved out.

I however took the play station.

Seeing all the adverts had made me think of him constantly in the lasts few days.

I can honestly say

-I miss him.
-I have love for him.
-His unhappiness manifested in some very nasty behavioural traits.
-In the last few years I was made to pay for his unhappiness.
-I don’t think his treatment of me was intentional.
-I handled things all wrong.
-I will never let anyone chip away at my confidence, self esteem and self belief ever again (once they are all built back up)
-In my turmoil at my inability to ‘fix things’ I buried my head in the sand and let go you myself.
-I will never be the person I was.
-I should never have to change myself to please someone.
-I WANT to work on losing a little weight and toning up (not because I’m being call fat, ugly and useless but because this is what I want for myself)
-I think I might just make it.
-I don’t have to deal with any of the legal stuff for a while (neither of us have any money)
-By the time I have to deal with the legal stuff I think I will be ready.
-I’m massively thankful to the people that have helped me along the way.

I think I have found my path now or at least the well worn track to the path.

I’m not fixed or healed or even happy but I think I might just make it.

Advertisements

Just a bit of advice – don’t fall in love when your 12!!

Today’s a day off work so I have had lots of time on my hands.

I’ve been doing 24 hours of thinking and a tiny bit of drinking.

I had a conversation with a friend last night.

She went through a divorce 2 years ago.

She is now looking at starting a new relationship.

2 YEARS…..

Am I going to be alone for 2 years.

I don’t want to be alone for 2 years.

I feel like I have wasted so much time already.

What if I’m alone for years??

This has lead me to think about 2 things.

Love and mistakes.

I’m worried that no one will love me again.

I don’t want the same thing to happen again.

I won’t survive it again.

I’m not convinced I’ll survive this.

So what did I do wrong?

I thought about this for the last 24 hours, I haven’t slept.

I’ve been reading a blog called His Giant Mistake.

I’ve started at the beginning so I don’t know how it ends yet. There is an amazing entry called ‘dating your divorced self’.

Read it if you get the chance.

It helped me a little.

My mistakes –

I accepted too much

I should have told him I wanted more affection.

I became a little quite and sad.

Maybe even a little resentful.

I wanted him to love me as much as I loved him, I think I knew in my heart he didn’t.

He told me he didn’t believe in unconditional love.

I loved him too much.

I loved him with everything I was.

I fell in love when I was 12.

Maybe love like that is never meant to last into adulthood.

I loved him unconditionally.

I loved him so much that I lost sight of myself!!

Is that what love is? And that’s not a rhetorical question. I want to know!!

I never questioned that all of our money went on his hobbies.

I never questioned when he went out with IT for ‘photography lessons’ (that turned out to be code for fucking in car parks).

I never asked for anything for myself.

All I wanted was for him to be happy.

I gave 100% of my life to him.

I was 100% loyal and faithful to him.

I have bee an utter love blind dick.

I became boring because I became a void, something that became 100% about him.

I gave and gave and gave ad asked for nothing but unconditional love – the one thing he couldn’t give me.

I loved him wrong.

I really believe this now.

I loved him too much – if that’s possible.

I loved him like a child.

Selfless – asking for nothing.

I see it as a child running down a grassy hill.

A child runs as fast as they can.

All arms and legs flailing.

No care about getting hurt, they are nt looking for danger.

Just caught up in the giggle and fun.

Just running because its what come naturally.

An adult runs down a hill with care.

They know the pain of falling, they want to avoid it.

They look for obstacles in their way, checking they aren’t going to trip and fall.

I don’t think I will ever love like this again. I don’t think it’s right anyway, so so much pain – how can that be right?

It scares me though, what if nothing compares to the good times?

One thing I do know – I’m going to be asking for more!!

Been drinking and feel sad.

Can’t stop thinking about everything he said! I’ve been drinking. I feel totally messed up. Can’t believe he is being so nice now. Feel so lost, I miss him.

I’ve moved all my stuff to the house share now.

I didn’t ask for any of this.
I miss him.
I can’t believe he has done this to me,
I’m happy he still ‘has love’ for me.
I want to still be friends with him but I’m scared I will never move on. I so sad all of the time.

I’m just so sad, I don’t want to be sad anymore!

A (wake up) call from my Dad.

my dad

 

My dad is my hero – it sounds corny i know!

I don’t have children, I’ve never really wanted them. I’ve always said i’m too selfish for children but the truth is Dipstick was always dead set against kids and i was never fussed so its not something that ever came up.

When i was born my dad stayed at home and looked after me, and mother went out to work. It went like this for the first few years of my life.

I do wonder if that has cemented the relationship i have with him. He never did this for any of my brothers or sister, my mother got all of them in the first years while dad worked. I don’t actually remember those years obviously, but i assume they must have had an impact on me.

I’ve never been close to mother until this happened. Until he left.

Before he left i called home about once a month – he hated me having contact with my family. In the end it was easier to do as i was told.

Since this has happened – 3 and a half months ago – i have called her everyday. My mother is someone that loves to be needed. She is amazing in a crisis – its her specialty. Smaller things sometimes get left at the way side with mother. Don’t get me wrong i wouldn’t change her for the world and being honest I’ve taken her for granted up until this point. Who wants a surgeon that can’t perform heart surgery but puts a plaster on a paper cut in 2 seconds flat? My mother handles a crisis like no one else i know, she rocks it!!

Having said all that – Dad. Hes one of those men that only speaks when he truly has something to say. Dads stays silent most of the time and lets mother talk.

this week I’ve been up and down like a yo-yo on acid – this you can probably tell from the posts I’ve put up.

I had a break down, and in a very Bridget Jones style i called mother while i cried in the bath.

Its that sob again – that choking, chest heaving sob.

I’m trying to say that hes left me (she knows this)

I’m trying to say that i feel disgusting and broken (i’m sure I’ve told her this 100 times since he left)

I’m trying to say i can’t do this and i want to go to sleep and not wake up (I’ve been messing around with my med’s and i can now see the impact on my mood)

I’m trying to say i hurt so much that i have seriously thought about suicide (It goes a bit further than this but, A = that’s a different post and B = she cant understand me anyway)

She obviously at a loss at this point, doing this has maxed out her crisis handling ability i’m assuming.

She ends up hanging up – I don’t blame her – there’s nothing she can say, nothing she can do.

I throw the phone down on the floor and carry on with sobbing.

My land line starts ringing and it doesn’t stop.

Whoever is calling wont leave a message and keeps calling and retrying.

I drag myself out of the bath and answer the phone.

Its my Dad, mother has brought out the big guns.

‘Mandy you need to calm down’

‘Dad he’s……..’

‘That twat has had enough of your time’ – My dad never swears, this perforates my fog a little, also i register that this is the first time dad has bad mouthed him. I’ve been very protective of anyone being mean about him.

I start crying again

‘Mandy only you can bring your self out of this now. I don’t pretend to know what your going through, i don’t know what pain your in love. But your going to lose yourself. Its been over 3 months now, you need to start pulling out of this. I was engaged to someone else once, before your mum. I didn’t work out but i didn’t mind, i met your mum after. You will meet someone right for you in the future. Your still a baby, there is so much for you to live for. I’ve watched you wilt over the last few years, you use to be so bubbly. You will meet someone who will treat you the way you deserve, he treated you like shit Mandy. You will be OK. Its going to take time but things will turn around for you. You gave him too much love, you gave him too much of yourself. You lived his live darling, you didn’t live for yourself, you lived for him. You’ve never been an adult, you’ve never made your own choices. That’s no life darling. If you don’t start to get better soon i’m going to come and get you and you’ll have no choice but to come home. You said you wanted to live your own life and that fine but your not living at the moment your existing. you need to stop contact with him, Hes a barstard and every time you talk to him it brings you down. Stop worrying about him and what he wants, what hes doing. You need to start worrying about yourself or your not going to make it’

I’m sat on the floor with the phone in my hand.

Dads stopped talking, I’m stunned.

This is with out exception the longest and most emotional speech my dad has given. There are tears in my eyes just typing this. This is my dad on his super-dad A game. Hes told me things i didn’t know, things i’d been scared to admit, things i hadn’t even thought of and some home truths. Hearing your own dad say that you’ve been ‘treated like shit’ is hard.

I’m going to remember this to my dying day.

My dad at his most caring and honest.

He’s right – I’m wallowing, I’m self pitying, I’m being negative.

My parents are hurting seeing me in pain. I feel guilty.

For the first time I’m thinking of those around me.

I have been so utterly lost.

I think i need to try and find my way back to life now if i can.

I still hurt, i still feel sad but i need to drag myself forward it i can.

I hope i can.

And just one note to anyone reading this that is a parent – WOW i couldn’t do your job. I imagine its incredibly difficult and i really don’t think i have it in me. Well done.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Memory Warehouse.

memory

I’m meant to be looking for somewhere to live but after 10 minutes of looking its pretty clear that I’m not going to find a nice place of my own for my budget.

So 2 choices – either house share or a crappy scummy flat above a shop somewhere.

Choices, choice – well I’m going to go for a walk soon and have a think but that’s not what this post is about.

While packing my stuff i found a book that Dipstick (that what i’m going to call him from now on) brought for me about 9 months ago – Just about the time he started shagging her.

It saying in it ‘love you xxx’ it made me think. did he mean this at the time he wrote this?

I sat for a while and started thinking about the book itself.

Dream-catcher by Stephen King

The memory warehouse – i always loved the idea.

I wish i could climb up into mine and remove every piece of him.

But having sat here for a while – i was 11 when we met – how much would be left?

Not a lot i imagine!!

How many of my shelves would have nothing but spiders and cob webs filling them.

I genuinely feel like he is such a large piece of my life that has now gone.

How do i get past this?

I think of him a million times a day.

I wish i could open my memory warehouse and throw a Molotov cocktail in there.

I wish i could wake up and not remember any of him!

Choice has been made – but not by me.

i have decided i need to remove all drink from my life – at least for a while. I might have ONE if i go out with friends but other than that I’m not going to drink on my own anymore. It seems to lead me to such a dark place and i don’t need any help with that.

I have spoken to my parents this morning and they have spoken to my landlady and between them they have decided what to do with me!

I feel like a child, my idea was to stay in my flat by myself and magically find a way to afford it, whilst laying on the sofa all day crying and watching NCIS. I’m being told i cant do this. On the plus side the landlady has refused his request to move in here once i’m out.

I guess this is really happening. I guess he’s really going to move in with her, i guess that they are in love.

I feel utter worthless.

When i could lay on the sofa all day whilst watching G from NCSI-LA always beating the bad guy i feel like i lose myself for a while. I forget the pain for 5 secs at a time.

I see I am acting like a child.

My stuff has to be out of here on the 16th. 6 days to clear my stuff out. My parents want me to go home. I’m not going to. I have no friends left there. In moments of clarity i feel i need to build something of my own.

I didn’t realize how much control he has over me, over my money, over me having friends, over what i wore, over what i thought, over how i acted.

I have nothing of my own.

I met him when i was 11.

When i was 12 i went home and told my dad i met my future husband.

When we where 17 /18 we started a proper relationship.

I was over the moon

I’m now 26 and i have nothing to show for the best years of my life.

How do i remove me from my mind?

From my heart?

I’m going to try to find somewhere to live today.

I’m going to try to do it by myself.

I’ve never done anything by myself.

Lost

I feel utterly lost

When he left me said he wanted to take nothing with him except his clothes.

This has now changed he’s now told me he wants

Sofa

Our bed – our fucking bed! She wants to sleep in our bed

He wants the fridge freezer

The TV, DVD, surround sound, play station,

Bedside tables

Lamps

Washing machine

Dishwasher

I don’t really care about any of it.

I just want him back

I’m so lost

I don’t understand why this is happening.

Shouldn’t be drinking!!

I’m pissed

I shouldn’t be drinking with these tablets. I only had 3.

I miss him

I hurt

I don’t understand what I did wrong

I’d trade my soul for him right now

I miss him

I don’t know how much longer I can take this pain

I hurt, every piece of me hurts.

What did I do wrong

I want him

I feel like screaming

He’s with her now

I feel like he’s taken a piece of me with him

I don’t feel whole anymore

I hurt

It hurts so much

I can’t take much more

Why doesn’t he want me

I’m still scared he will turn up with her and try to move her in

I’ve run our of drink

I could do with another

I can’t do this

I think I’m broken

Inside joke and a little revenge!!

I wasn’t too bad when I got up this morning, I felt numb really. But I did it with minimal crying. Then a friend made a joke and for some reason it just brought me all the may back down. I walked in to the break room talking to my mum and said ‘love you, bye’ my friend then said ‘Hey Mand was that *****’

I didn’t get it, he thought it was hilarious. It didn’t get it. I tried to think after where the joke was.

This guy isn’t a bad guy, his wife left him 9 months ago. Maybe this is a joke that I’ll understand in 6 months.

I suppose I’m being sensitive but they have now found a place of there own. I’m struggling when anything reminds me of him. It’s like a punch in the gut. Sometimes something will hit me and I’ll feel a physical pain.

Why do we miss people that have hurt us so much.

I worry about him, he sat and talked to me a while ago about his fears regarding leaving me.

He was worried he was making a mistake. He was worried he would look back at this moment and think that’s where his life went wrong – in my opinion his life went wrong when he put his penis in someone else but I’m probably biased on the situation.

I asked him why he was not sharing his hopes and dreams with ***. He said that she didn’t like hearing about his ‘old life’.

So I sat and chatted to him. He talked about he’s fears, I then did something mean. The first mean thing that I’ve done to him in all this. I casually told him that I thought his bald spot was getting bigger.

He is monumentally sensitive about this. He froze and looked at me – he has thought the same. He’s sure it’s because of all the stress. I imagine it is.

Ripping the heart out of the women who has loved you for 9 years then psychologically abusing her till the thought of an overdose becomes an attractive proposition must really raise the blood pressure.

I feel a little bad being mean to him. No I’m not selling his sound system or shredding his clothes but for now this is my little bit of revenge.

I still miss him. I’m a dick.

Accepting some facts.

I wrote a post last night – I didn’t set out to write about any certain subject. I felt I just needed to splurge.

It got to a point about missing him – I tried to list all the things I miss, all the reasons to miss him – I struggled to do this. It planted a seed and I didn’t sleep much last night. This seed seems to have grown into a small sapling.

I found a major difference between what I wanted to write and the truth.

He didn’t tell me I was pretty.

He didn’t tell me I was the most special girl in the world.

He would not tell me how much I meant to him.

In the last 9 years he cooked me dinner 3 times (one of those were raw chicken) – I had to cook even if I was on a late shift.

He didn’t like the way I would clean – he would do it again.

He would call me lazy.

He hated driving me around but would not help me pay for driving lessons.

In march I was offered a promotion – after talking with him he decided I should not take it so I didn’t. If I had right now I would have been able to afford my home and I would not be having to think about moving.

He wasn’t really very nice to me in the last few years! I feel a bit of a fool being in such pain – he’s not mourning our relationship. He’s moving on with this women he’s been shagging for the last 8 months.

What do I really miss –

Having someone at home when I get there.
Having someone to share my inner most thoughts with.
I miss going out to dinner in really nice places.
I miss sex with someone that cares about me.
I miss sleeping next to someone.

I got out of bed this morning with minimal crying.

I’m not better, I’m not free of pain, I still miss him but now I’m thinking…… Maybe this wasn’t 100% my fault. He says it is. I don’t know anymore.