Buying in even if I’m not convinced.

After taking a few days to think over my new therapy session I have decided to buy into it.

My new therapist told me that my last one had told her that he couldn’t give me the support I needed. I respect that, it’s not always easy to go to a superior and admit that you need help. He told her I need more regular and longer sessions – he couldn’t do this so she’s taking over.

She called me into her office and BAM – she was a total breath of fresh air.

I’ve never been in therapy before so my last therapist is the yard stick to measure against. I don’t know which one of these is the normal way therapist go about business, but then again I suppose that therapist are all different – like regular people 🙂

The first guy I saw treated me with absolute kid gloves in the 30/45 minutes I got to see him every month. He was soft spoken and gentle and totally non confrontational. I assumed that is what therapy is always like, someone softly speaking to you with a sad smile.

New lady blew that out of the water in 10 minutes. I still feel a little shell shocked by the meeting.

Her first worlds to me went a little something like this –

‘Mandy I’ve read all (first therapists) notes, I get the gist of what’s going on. Now let me tell you, you are going to see me every week and I’m going to help you out the other side of this. It’s going to be hard Mandy, it’s not going to be particularly pleasant BUT what’s happened to you has happened to lots of other women and they have all made it. Your also holding down a full time job, this wont be easy.

Mandy this is too big of a situation to deal with all in one go. I wouldn’t normally do this but considering your situation I’m going to ask you to compartmentalise it. We are going to deal with it a little at a time together. Stop thinking about what to do at the end of the 6 months house share, stop thinking about what you feel you have lost. I’m going to give you tasks to complete each week.

You are going to have to buy into this and help yourself. Your not mad, your not so broken that you won’t heal, everything takes time’

I don’t think she owns any kid gloves 🙂

My home work this week.

Start functioning independently at the most basic level

1 – stop accepting lifts to and from work. Get myself there and back.

2 – cook my own dinner unless going out for a meal, or at a friends house. Stop relying on house share to cook.

3 – start going shopping for food and household items again (fear of seeing them in the local supermarket together gives me panic attacks).

Looking at these I can’t believe how basic these things are, but I’m buying in. I’m going them, I’ve been shopping twice (when I know they are at work) and have made my own dinner every night.

I feel like a bit of a child really but I’m putting my trust in her. Something has to change soon, I’m hoping this is it.

Choices – I don’t know what to do!!

I’ve been thinking about my options today.

My options seem extensive but they all seem to lack meaning. I can’t see the point in any of them.

I have to have a plan by Christmas

A = Stay on this little island and watch him get remarried.

B = Move back to my home town – where his family live. Watch him come home to visit. See the school we met in. My heart being clawed out at every corner.

C = little Bro’s choice is for me to move to London.

D = Put a pin in a map – move there.

E = Go traveling.

F = Travel to the moon and set up camp!

F’s winning out at the moment!

If I could have any wish I would have my mind wiped of any memory of him. I would have the pain, the hurt all wiped out of my head.

I wish I had never met him.

Loss

There is a gent I work with, I’m going to call him Ned.

Ned lost his mother 1 week before I found out about dipstick.

I had a month off work when it all happened.

When I came back he came and found me. We had a chat, we found that many of the same thought and feelings where flitting around our heads.

We catch up every week and chat about what we have been up to.

We cleaned out the flats at the same time.

Sorted out the utility bills at the same time.

Another person at work joined one of our chats the other day. I got up to make the coffees. While I was I up she turned to Ned and said (obviously a lot more loudly than she meant to it be or she was being particularly cruel).

‘Your mums dead, Mandy’s husband has ONLY left her, what could yo possible have in common? Do you not just wanna give her a slap and tell her to snap out of it?’

Ned was quite for a moment – I had my back to them. I kinda froze, felt a sudden rush of tears. I suddenly felt so guilty – how could I have assumed that Ned was finding our chats as therapeutic as I was?! Stupid cow!!

‘It’s funny really, most of this is the same – the aftermath I mean. But your right that there are some major differences.
I mean I get to go home to my wife at night, to my home. Mandy of course gets to go to an empty house, a house that she loves but she now has to leave.
Then there’s the finances, I’m waiting on my inheritance now. It’s costly and there’s lots of legal stuff but that’s my future cemented now. Dipstick took everything so Mandy’s struggling to just make it to payday now.
I suppose there’s the future plans too, with my inheritance I get to start planning the trip to Africa. Mum would have loved it so I’m going to get it sorted ASAP. Mandy’s plans to go to New York are off now to many memories for her. The plan to buy the cottage is off now too – dipstick has now moved to ‘insert town of choice for Mandy’s cottage here’ with her so there’s no way se can do it now.
I miss my mum. I miss her like mad but I’ve got my wife, my kids my future. What’s Mandy got now?’

I had made the coffee by this point, Ned’s speech made me smile, it made me feel like someone had my back.

What’s happened isn’t the same, I know that but once I say sat down he said to me.

‘I get to remember the happy times with my mum, maybe you will to one day. I get to idolise my mum there’s nothing she can do now to break that. He’s still hurting you even though he’s gone. I feel for you Mandy. It would have been easier if he’d Died Mand but you’ll get there, you will’

I was still crying but I was smiling a little now too.

Didn’t expect that?!

Feeling a bit shocked.

I’ve got PTSD.

Explains the flashbacks, rumination, sleep issues, feeling of impending danger, being scared shit less most of the time and avoiding triggers!!

Think it started in those weeks they spent intently mentally abusing me (and also the years of the milder mental abuse within the relationship – this apparently explains why I was always on edge and jumpy).

The weeks he spent comparing me sexually, getting into bed at night describing all the sexual stuff they had done, telling me he was moving her in, telling me he was going to take all the money (which he did anyway) and forcing me to bury my emotions.

He tried to break me to get me to move home so he could take everything.

He didn’t make me move away but I’m wonder if I should have.

I’m wondering the damage now done.

He’s off enjoying he’s life and I’m left with no money, in therapy and with PTSD!!

Shit – I still fucking miss him – I’m messed up.

House-share

I’ve now signed the papers on a house share.

When I put out word I was looking for somewhere to live I got a phone call.

It’s was a gent I have known and worked with for 7 years. I haven’t known him extremely well but he’s a kind hearted man and best friends with my manager.

Manager had mentioned me in conversation due to what I was going through. He found out in November that his wife has been seeing another man.

He knows what I’m going through. He asked if I wanted to do a house share. He had found a property very close to work and someone else had dropped out.

It’s 3 bed (spare room for my family to come stay, and for his son to come stay once a month) and my room is ensuite.

Pros

Ensuite bedroom.
Housemate that knows what I’m going through and isn’t going to ask questions when I lay crying on the sofa. Won’t have to get bus to work, it’s in walking distance.
Saving enough money to start a little nest egg (£40 to my name at the moment). A bit of company in quite moments.

Cons

This guy is double my age.
I feel odd about sharing with a guy.
Gossip at work.
Hoping he doesn’t make a pass at me.

Ok so all of the above cons seem like my hang ups and anyway I’ve done it now.

I’ve signed for 6 month.

I’ve had a chat with manager about it, she thinks its a great idea and I trust her.

I made a bit of a fool of myself I think. I had the whole ‘you get this is purely a money saving/platonic thing right’ conversation with him. He’s one for a bit of banter but I hope he understands this. I’ve made it clear.

This is the first adult choice I have made by myself in my whole life.

I’ve probably done the wrong thing but its my choice. We work different shifts and have different days off so its not like will see loads of each other.

In 6 months time I can then think about moving back home if I want. Dipstick and The Thing now live 40 minutes away.

He wanted to know where I was moving to. I’ve told him the town and also the supermarket I will be using. He said he will try to stay away, I hope he does. I need time to heal.