Unexpected call!

I’ve been struggling lately.

Haven’t really been able to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Seem to be going backwards.

Didn’t really see how I was going to break free of this downward spiral.

Got a call today – the NHS therapist.

He explained they all have meetings each month with their supervisors and managers. They discuss their patients to see if they are doing the right thing.

Due to ‘recent events’ (I assume they mean the PTSD) they have re-assessed my case. It’s been decided I will go to from – monthly 30 mins sessions to – weekly 60 min sessions.

Ill now be seeing my therapists supervisor – he said that she is better equipped to help me – he said she was amazing.

During my last session I told my therapist about Black Thursday, I’m worried now. The last thing I need is to be branded ‘a mental’ – as dipstick called me when he heard I was signed off sick and on meds.

I’m not going to tell work – I’ve just gone for a promotion.

I’ve felt I needed something to help me try to move on, I’m not seeming to mange it by myself. I read a lot of blogs about divorce and break ups, everyone else seems to cope so well. I just can’t seem to get past the fact he has gone – I just can’t seem to cope on my own. I can’t seem to move past the pain.

Also just a little note to NHS workers. The service you provide makes a massive difference – my therapist, my case worker, my doctor – they have all been amazing supportive people.

Didn’t expect that?!

Feeling a bit shocked.

I’ve got PTSD.

Explains the flashbacks, rumination, sleep issues, feeling of impending danger, being scared shit less most of the time and avoiding triggers!!

Think it started in those weeks they spent intently mentally abusing me (and also the years of the milder mental abuse within the relationship – this apparently explains why I was always on edge and jumpy).

The weeks he spent comparing me sexually, getting into bed at night describing all the sexual stuff they had done, telling me he was moving her in, telling me he was going to take all the money (which he did anyway) and forcing me to bury my emotions.

He tried to break me to get me to move home so he could take everything.

He didn’t make me move away but I’m wonder if I should have.

I’m wondering the damage now done.

He’s off enjoying he’s life and I’m left with no money, in therapy and with PTSD!!

Shit – I still fucking miss him – I’m messed up.