I’m back!

Hi all!!!

After a odd few weeks I feel I need to give you all a quick catch up before diving into a new post on Monday.

Ambushed by his family in the work place!!,

Oh yes people, after contacting dipsticks family and asking them not to contact me anymore they appeared at my desk!! I literally could not believe my eyes! I was paralysed, there was nothing I could do. Customers where milling around and my work colleges where there. I talked to them for about 10 minutes before bursting into tears. Someone I worked with asked them to leave. I sobbed while laying on a pallet of concrete fence posts for 40 minutes. His mother says she will write to me soon, I asked her not to but she says she will anyway.

Therapy

My therapist has finally made me understand that my healing is being stunted by contact. I am in the process of cutting all ties with him – legally, financially, spiritually, mentally and physically. She has also made me understand how very wrong he was to be coming and having sex with me behind her back in the early months. I was so hoping by keeping this intimacy he would come back. He kept the hope alight at every point. Kept me hanging with every visit, every text and every call. She has also made me understand that I need to take responsibility for my healing – I need to move forward or I will rot where I am.

Dipstick

He still emails. I’ve asked him to stop. He still texts. I’ve asked him to stop. In his last email he reminded me to unpack my winter coat

“It’s getting cold Love, I don’t want you getting ill”

He is killing me with kindness, I won’t be reading anymore of his emails. I’m in the process of getting a new phone and new email. I still have love for him. Surprisingly the thought of touching him/kiss him turns my stomach. I don’t know when this change happened, I can’t remember it happening but it has. I still care about him. My feelings for him are a mass of contradictions and tangled roots.

Life

I got a modest raise at work. They said I had done so well over the last few months. Boxing buddy want to house share with me once my current situation expires in feb. I thinking about it. House shares girlfriend has turned into Glenn Close. Things at the house share are strained.

My trolls

Im not bothered anymore, I’ve overcome worst things.

Eharmony

I’ll explain all Monday. Let’s just say for now it’s been a learning curve.

WordPress buddies

Thank you for the kind words. You are the reason I have returned, I’ve missed you all. You give me strength when I need it and you know all my secrets!!!

XXXX

Advertisements

Eharmony, GTA and finding my path.

My life over the last 2 days has consisted of 2 things.

Eharmony and GTA.

One sweet and one sour.

One about the future and one about the past.

I have discovered over the last few days that I can now manage to juggle these simultaneously. A few weeks ago thinking of the past would drag me down to a dark place, all thinking of my current situation would disappear.

I’d sink down to a dark place, I’d be surrounded by decay, darkness, thoughts of black Thursday. The past would crowd me while at the same time I would be utterly surrounded by emptiness. The void that exists in my life would threaten to envelope me.

Now though I manage to exist between the two worlds.

Less dark cellar full of decay and death, more dark cellar full of old boxes and the occasional bear trap.

I feel like I’m straddling my past and future. I replied to sister in laws text, I apologised for the time it’s taken to respond and said I would like to met up.

I’ve also said I would like to write to his mother. I know this isn’t everyone’s choice but I’m a little curious as to see what she has to say.

My therapist talking to me about DV has really shaken something out of me. I seem a little more balanced. I’m thinking about thinks in a different way.

Eharmony

I’ve started with the free profile with plans to upgrade when I’m paid.

I’m enjoying it.

I have a few mail I can’t read due to being a non paying member but its interesting talking to people when I can’t see there pictures. I’m thinking if my views are going to change when I can see them.

GTA

I preordered the new GTA for dickhead before the separation.

He took his preorder slip when he moved out.

I however took the play station.

Seeing all the adverts had made me think of him constantly in the lasts few days.

I can honestly say

-I miss him.
-I have love for him.
-His unhappiness manifested in some very nasty behavioural traits.
-In the last few years I was made to pay for his unhappiness.
-I don’t think his treatment of me was intentional.
-I handled things all wrong.
-I will never let anyone chip away at my confidence, self esteem and self belief ever again (once they are all built back up)
-In my turmoil at my inability to ‘fix things’ I buried my head in the sand and let go you myself.
-I will never be the person I was.
-I should never have to change myself to please someone.
-I WANT to work on losing a little weight and toning up (not because I’m being call fat, ugly and useless but because this is what I want for myself)
-I think I might just make it.
-I don’t have to deal with any of the legal stuff for a while (neither of us have any money)
-By the time I have to deal with the legal stuff I think I will be ready.
-I’m massively thankful to the people that have helped me along the way.

I think I have found my path now or at least the well worn track to the path.

I’m not fixed or healed or even happy but I think I might just make it.

Mind = Blow

Therapy blew my mind yesterday, 10 minutes before the end of the session she said

‘What does domestic violence mean to you’

‘I suppose a quivering women with 2 black eyes scrubbing socks on a wash board’

‘Im going read you something and I want you to tell me what you think

“The actual violence was more emotional. It was very subtle, little put downs. He started controlling the money. I wouldn’t have any money to buy things for myself. If I spoke I was talking rubbish and wasn’t allowed to speak. He used the car to have power over me. He hated me having contact with my family. He said I was clumsy. He picked my clothes. He said know one would want me”

‘Well what do you think’

I couldn’t speak, tears fell, my mind wouldn’t stop spinning.

‘Read this book and we will chat more next time, remember this is all to much to deal with at once. One think at a time’

There to much to think about, I never considered DV before.

Homework this week

Read my DV book.
Study for a course my work have set up for me.
Do some overtime at work if possible.
Text sister in law back.

Boxing went amazingly. I’m going to keep going. It makes me feel like I have some power.

One decision made, still thinking about the other .

I have finally made the choice regarding if i should see dipsticks mother and sister.

I’m going to do it!

I’m still thinking about if i should give them my address or not?!

I feel calm today – not sunny beach calm but eyes of the storm calm.

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

I’ve developed a method that when ever i start to think about –

him, her, them, my shared past, my pain, the night he would tell me ‘stuff about them’,

I think about a metal vault door slamming shut.

I cant let myself do it anymore.

The issue is it leaves me numb.

I feel dead inside.

I feel like there’s a caged tiger inside me.

When this first happened everyone asked why i was not angry, people i spoke to that had been through the same thing then said i would get angry.

I didn’t get angry, but now i feel odd.

I don’t FEEL angry but i feel like i’m full of anger.

I feel like a caged tiger lives in me.

I feel like the caged tiger is angry, hungry, crazed, bored, hurt, possessed, on edge and damaged.

I feel like shes got bits missing.

She just wants to run and run and run.

She wants to rip and claw and bite and pull things to shreds with her claws.

She wants to roar till her throat burns and her whole world is silent.

Silent and every other being has stopped and is still.

She wants peace.

She wants not to be caged.

She wants to run.

She wants to free.

Sometimes she wants to be alone and sometimes she wants to be with others.

She wants not to hurt.

She wants peace.

Shes looking for the bits that are missing from her, she knows somethings missing.

She doesn’t know what and she doesn’t know where to find them.

She is so hurt.

 

I can sense her anger but i don’t seem to FEEL it.

I sense her pain and i just want her to feel better.

I sense her unease and just want to calm her.

 

I feel numb.

 

Ahhhhhh!

Woke up at 4am.

I’d had a terrible dream.

I broke my uninitiated contacted rule.

I emailed dipstick!

Shit shit shit

I wish I could take it back.

I wasn’t a take me back email at least, I’ve never gone there.

It was a how could you did this email.

Oddly since I have done this I feel like a pressure had been released!

I just feel embarrassed now.

Crap – I hope he doesn’t show it to her!

😦

Living in twilight zone!!

I’ve been thinking a lot in the last week about me.

Every time I try to do this it ALWAYS switched back to thinking about dipstick.

Having this week off has been good with little bro. He’s immature for his age which has been good for me in many ways. He has demanded a lot of my time, but I have had time to think. Too much time really.

Every branch of my life feels wrong to the core. Everything feels alien, it feels like I’m watching a television program.

This is not my life, this is not I signed up for.

7 years ago I moved 300 miles away from my family to live on a small island just off the UK.

I gave up college, my job and contact with my family.

I was faithful to him in every way.

I used all my money to Kay the bills.

He told me we would go back to our home town once a month.

We ended you going back twice a year.

I have been left with nothing.

Pretty much everything hurts.

I feel like screaming till my vocal cords implode.

But I’m trying to not dwell on all this (yes I know that’s laughable considering my daily posts, but believe me I am trying).

So here what I must do in the next week.

Do a budget.

Make a list of options that I need to pick from by Christmas.

Set up payment plan to dipstick – he wants half the value of the furniture I have kept.

Set up payment to house share for half bills and rent.

I hate dragging myself through this shit.

It’s all shit.

I can’t help thinking I should have moved in by myself but there’s nothing I can do now.

House share has made no more remarks about taking thing further. I hope he gets it now.

I miss dipstick, I don’t know why. I still don’t understand either why I haven’t stopped loving him or why I miss him.

I’m hoping I stop loving him soon, I hope I stop missing him!

Struggling with the void!!

How do you learn to cope
With this void.

I feel like someone taken a shotgun to my chest and theres a large hole now. I feels like I could put my hand through it and touch the edges of my back.

It’s a pain I never expected and didn’t think could be cause by emotional pain.

Then there’s the void of seeing/hearing/thinking about something and going to text/call him.

He doesn’t care about what I’ve got to say.

How can I still love someone who has still hurt me so deeply.

I’m not sleeping.

I miss him in every way.

Choices – I don’t know what to do!!

I’ve been thinking about my options today.

My options seem extensive but they all seem to lack meaning. I can’t see the point in any of them.

I have to have a plan by Christmas

A = Stay on this little island and watch him get remarried.

B = Move back to my home town – where his family live. Watch him come home to visit. See the school we met in. My heart being clawed out at every corner.

C = little Bro’s choice is for me to move to London.

D = Put a pin in a map – move there.

E = Go traveling.

F = Travel to the moon and set up camp!

F’s winning out at the moment!

If I could have any wish I would have my mind wiped of any memory of him. I would have the pain, the hurt all wiped out of my head.

I wish I had never met him.

Loss

There is a gent I work with, I’m going to call him Ned.

Ned lost his mother 1 week before I found out about dipstick.

I had a month off work when it all happened.

When I came back he came and found me. We had a chat, we found that many of the same thought and feelings where flitting around our heads.

We catch up every week and chat about what we have been up to.

We cleaned out the flats at the same time.

Sorted out the utility bills at the same time.

Another person at work joined one of our chats the other day. I got up to make the coffees. While I was I up she turned to Ned and said (obviously a lot more loudly than she meant to it be or she was being particularly cruel).

‘Your mums dead, Mandy’s husband has ONLY left her, what could yo possible have in common? Do you not just wanna give her a slap and tell her to snap out of it?’

Ned was quite for a moment – I had my back to them. I kinda froze, felt a sudden rush of tears. I suddenly felt so guilty – how could I have assumed that Ned was finding our chats as therapeutic as I was?! Stupid cow!!

‘It’s funny really, most of this is the same – the aftermath I mean. But your right that there are some major differences.
I mean I get to go home to my wife at night, to my home. Mandy of course gets to go to an empty house, a house that she loves but she now has to leave.
Then there’s the finances, I’m waiting on my inheritance now. It’s costly and there’s lots of legal stuff but that’s my future cemented now. Dipstick took everything so Mandy’s struggling to just make it to payday now.
I suppose there’s the future plans too, with my inheritance I get to start planning the trip to Africa. Mum would have loved it so I’m going to get it sorted ASAP. Mandy’s plans to go to New York are off now to many memories for her. The plan to buy the cottage is off now too – dipstick has now moved to ‘insert town of choice for Mandy’s cottage here’ with her so there’s no way se can do it now.
I miss my mum. I miss her like mad but I’ve got my wife, my kids my future. What’s Mandy got now?’

I had made the coffee by this point, Ned’s speech made me smile, it made me feel like someone had my back.

What’s happened isn’t the same, I know that but once I say sat down he said to me.

‘I get to remember the happy times with my mum, maybe you will to one day. I get to idolise my mum there’s nothing she can do now to break that. He’s still hurting you even though he’s gone. I feel for you Mandy. It would have been easier if he’d Died Mand but you’ll get there, you will’

I was still crying but I was smiling a little now too.

Dreams.

Once little bro is in bed I have been self medicating to sleep – no matter how much I sleep I’m exhausted.

I’m drinking at night.

I dreamt I went to a field. I dreamt that I screamed and instead of a noise black tar spewed from my mouth.
It spewed and didn’t stop. The hurt, betrayal, pain, venom, loneliness and self loathing poured from me. It spewed and spewed from me until I stood in a black pool. It was dripping down my chin, it soaked my clothes. The black tar kept coming out of me. It didn’t stop, my knees gave way – I fell into the pool of tar. I laid in it, tears streamed down my eyes, the tar kept coming. I couldn’t breath.

I woke up.

Sometimes i dream about dipstick directly. Dream it hasn’t happened, or i dream this world I live in now is a nightmare.

I prefer the dream about the field of tar – it’s confusing let less painful.