I’m back!

Hi all!!!

After a odd few weeks I feel I need to give you all a quick catch up before diving into a new post on Monday.

Ambushed by his family in the work place!!,

Oh yes people, after contacting dipsticks family and asking them not to contact me anymore they appeared at my desk!! I literally could not believe my eyes! I was paralysed, there was nothing I could do. Customers where milling around and my work colleges where there. I talked to them for about 10 minutes before bursting into tears. Someone I worked with asked them to leave. I sobbed while laying on a pallet of concrete fence posts for 40 minutes. His mother says she will write to me soon, I asked her not to but she says she will anyway.

Therapy

My therapist has finally made me understand that my healing is being stunted by contact. I am in the process of cutting all ties with him – legally, financially, spiritually, mentally and physically. She has also made me understand how very wrong he was to be coming and having sex with me behind her back in the early months. I was so hoping by keeping this intimacy he would come back. He kept the hope alight at every point. Kept me hanging with every visit, every text and every call. She has also made me understand that I need to take responsibility for my healing – I need to move forward or I will rot where I am.

Dipstick

He still emails. I’ve asked him to stop. He still texts. I’ve asked him to stop. In his last email he reminded me to unpack my winter coat

“It’s getting cold Love, I don’t want you getting ill”

He is killing me with kindness, I won’t be reading anymore of his emails. I’m in the process of getting a new phone and new email. I still have love for him. Surprisingly the thought of touching him/kiss him turns my stomach. I don’t know when this change happened, I can’t remember it happening but it has. I still care about him. My feelings for him are a mass of contradictions and tangled roots.

Life

I got a modest raise at work. They said I had done so well over the last few months. Boxing buddy want to house share with me once my current situation expires in feb. I thinking about it. House shares girlfriend has turned into Glenn Close. Things at the house share are strained.

My trolls

Im not bothered anymore, I’ve overcome worst things.

Eharmony

I’ll explain all Monday. Let’s just say for now it’s been a learning curve.

WordPress buddies

Thank you for the kind words. You are the reason I have returned, I’ve missed you all. You give me strength when I need it and you know all my secrets!!!

XXXX

One decision made, still thinking about the other .

I have finally made the choice regarding if i should see dipsticks mother and sister.

I’m going to do it!

I’m still thinking about if i should give them my address or not?!

I feel calm today – not sunny beach calm but eyes of the storm calm.

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

I’ve developed a method that when ever i start to think about –

him, her, them, my shared past, my pain, the night he would tell me ‘stuff about them’,

I think about a metal vault door slamming shut.

I cant let myself do it anymore.

The issue is it leaves me numb.

I feel dead inside.

I feel like there’s a caged tiger inside me.

When this first happened everyone asked why i was not angry, people i spoke to that had been through the same thing then said i would get angry.

I didn’t get angry, but now i feel odd.

I don’t FEEL angry but i feel like i’m full of anger.

I feel like a caged tiger lives in me.

I feel like the caged tiger is angry, hungry, crazed, bored, hurt, possessed, on edge and damaged.

I feel like shes got bits missing.

She just wants to run and run and run.

She wants to rip and claw and bite and pull things to shreds with her claws.

She wants to roar till her throat burns and her whole world is silent.

Silent and every other being has stopped and is still.

She wants peace.

She wants not to be caged.

She wants to run.

She wants to free.

Sometimes she wants to be alone and sometimes she wants to be with others.

She wants not to hurt.

She wants peace.

Shes looking for the bits that are missing from her, she knows somethings missing.

She doesn’t know what and she doesn’t know where to find them.

She is so hurt.

 

I can sense her anger but i don’t seem to FEEL it.

I sense her pain and i just want her to feel better.

I sense her unease and just want to calm her.

 

I feel numb.

 

Dicing with danger or a good idea?

A friend spoke to me today, suggested I went on a date?!

Considering the place I have been in recently this idea hadn’t even entered my head.

I actually laughed when he said it but his reaction to my giggling made me think.

‘Mandy I’m not saying go have sex with someone, I’m saying go out for dinner with someone. Have a laugh, let someone make you feel valued. Join a dating site, remember that the globe is still turning. You think the end has ended, there’s lots of world out there Mandy, maybe you need to be reminded of that. Just remember don’t have sex with anyone.’

I’ve downloaded a dating website app.

I’m going to have a play with it.

Dead behind the eyes!!

For anyone who has been reading my blog you will know how low I have been.

After the initial impact of finding out about the affair, being metal abused, black thursday and then the PTSD.

I’ve felt since the start of house share I’m in total free fall – oh and by the way my hair seems to be falling out. I don’t mean that in a ironic way, I mean that in a – I keep waking up with a pillow full of hair way. In a – it looks like someone’s shaved cousin IT on my bathroom floor way.

The one place I have managed to hold it together is work.

Work I know, work I’m good at.

Manager took me for a coffee today.

There had been a promotion available in a different department.

‘Mandy I don’t want you to go for the promotion, I have something else in mind’

She explained what this was, I liked the sound of it so its something I’m going to go with.

She then moved on to something else. She told me she knew I was keeping it together at work but how was I at home.

I spilled the beans about the new therapy that starts tomorrow.

Good she said. She told me she feels I need more help.

She said that she thought I looked dead behind my eyes.

I smiled at her, I told her I thought I was.

I think I have taken as much as I can now.

I told her I felt I was free falling.

I’d lost hope of ever having a life.

I felt empty.

I had nothing to go on for.

No reason to go on.

No where to go, couldn’t stay here in the long term – watch him remarry, couldn’t move home where his family live.

No roots, no future, no reason.

She told me she thought I couldn’t go on like this.

She told me she would help me all she could.

She said that I had to push on and try to find meaning.

She said to carry on with my boxing.

I want one day to feel not emotionally dead.

I want to find meaning.

I want a life.

I want a future.

But I worry.

I worry that I’m going to carry on, live with the pain everyday and get back nothing. Never meet anyone, watch him remarry, watch him have kids. No one will ever want me. I don’t want to carry on for nothing.

I forgot to research PTSD, I’m not sure of how much I’m feeling is due to that.

The pain seems to override everything, consume it in white hot flame.

I want there to be something more than the pain.

Unexpected call!

I’ve been struggling lately.

Haven’t really been able to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Seem to be going backwards.

Didn’t really see how I was going to break free of this downward spiral.

Got a call today – the NHS therapist.

He explained they all have meetings each month with their supervisors and managers. They discuss their patients to see if they are doing the right thing.

Due to ‘recent events’ (I assume they mean the PTSD) they have re-assessed my case. It’s been decided I will go to from – monthly 30 mins sessions to – weekly 60 min sessions.

Ill now be seeing my therapists supervisor – he said that she is better equipped to help me – he said she was amazing.

During my last session I told my therapist about Black Thursday, I’m worried now. The last thing I need is to be branded ‘a mental’ – as dipstick called me when he heard I was signed off sick and on meds.

I’m not going to tell work – I’ve just gone for a promotion.

I’ve felt I needed something to help me try to move on, I’m not seeming to mange it by myself. I read a lot of blogs about divorce and break ups, everyone else seems to cope so well. I just can’t seem to get past the fact he has gone – I just can’t seem to cope on my own. I can’t seem to move past the pain.

Also just a little note to NHS workers. The service you provide makes a massive difference – my therapist, my case worker, my doctor – they have all been amazing supportive people.

Didn’t expect that?!

Feeling a bit shocked.

I’ve got PTSD.

Explains the flashbacks, rumination, sleep issues, feeling of impending danger, being scared shit less most of the time and avoiding triggers!!

Think it started in those weeks they spent intently mentally abusing me (and also the years of the milder mental abuse within the relationship – this apparently explains why I was always on edge and jumpy).

The weeks he spent comparing me sexually, getting into bed at night describing all the sexual stuff they had done, telling me he was moving her in, telling me he was going to take all the money (which he did anyway) and forcing me to bury my emotions.

He tried to break me to get me to move home so he could take everything.

He didn’t make me move away but I’m wonder if I should have.

I’m wondering the damage now done.

He’s off enjoying he’s life and I’m left with no money, in therapy and with PTSD!!

Shit – I still fucking miss him – I’m messed up.