Dear Dipstick

To my dear Dipstick

I’ve been to see my therapist today and its been a bit of a difficult session. After a long chat we decided that I should write you a letter. You see for the last few weeks I’ve been struggling with something new – my anger. It’s becoming a bit of a beast, it rears its head at the most unexpected of times. I’m taking things out on people that don’t deserve it, people that have been there for me when I was really low.

Therapist thinks I need you to feel my pain, I WANT you to feel my pain. You have caused me more pain than I thought it was possible to inflict on a soul. I always measured pain in broken bones and bruised skin but you caused me more pain than a thought it was possible for someone to contain.

I didn’t love you the first time I met you but It was soon after, I loved you when you where 12 and had bright blonde hair, I loved you when you where covered in puppy fat and I loved you when you pulled my hair. I loved you when you broken my locker and I loved you when you threw balls of paper at me. I loved you when you walked me to school and I loved you when you asked me to be your girlfriend. I loved you when I kissed you for the first time – my first real kiss. I thought my heart would burst when the day finally came and I was yours and you where mine.

Looking back I started changing for you early on. I was so young, far far too young for such love. My family – you didn’t like them, you looked down on them for being poor – you assumed that made them bad people. My dad is the most amazing man, so so kind, you never gave him a chance.

In the end it made it easier if I went along with what you wanted. I worshiped the ground you walked on and spent all my time trying to make you happy and please you.

I took an overdose you know?! I reached my limit, I couldn’t take anymore. I wanted it over, the pain, my hurt and this non life that I had been left with.

You took my life and you made it a bomb site.

You ruined me, you treated me like I was disposable, like I didn’t matter.

I gave you honesty,fidelity,love and my life, my soul. Why wasn’t I enough for you?

Why?

Why?

But I guess I’m never going to get an answer to that.

My therapist has explained some things to me, has me researching others.

Your unhappiness manifested itself in some really vile ways.

You should have just left me 9 months ago when you realised you had feelings for her, before the sex started you should have gone.

You should have taken more responsibility for things.

You shouldn’t have hurt me, why did you do it?

Why did you stop me seeing my family?
Why did you make me feel so so small?
Why did you treat me like I was less than human?

I hurt so much but I feel like the tide is turning, I will grow.
I will become stronger.

I don’t think I will meet anyone else.

I loved you with everything I was.

But I’m not what I was anymore.

I’m new.

I see you.
I see you for the lost little boy you are.

I see you for the petulant child that hides just beyond the surface.

I’m not in love with you anymore.

I wouldn’t take you back anymore, if you came back there would be pause.
There would be thought.

I have love for you but I’m not in love with you – remember when you told me that, well dipstick the feeling is mutual.

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One decision made, still thinking about the other .

I have finally made the choice regarding if i should see dipsticks mother and sister.

I’m going to do it!

I’m still thinking about if i should give them my address or not?!

I feel calm today – not sunny beach calm but eyes of the storm calm.

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

NUMB

I’ve developed a method that when ever i start to think about –

him, her, them, my shared past, my pain, the night he would tell me ‘stuff about them’,

I think about a metal vault door slamming shut.

I cant let myself do it anymore.

The issue is it leaves me numb.

I feel dead inside.

I feel like there’s a caged tiger inside me.

When this first happened everyone asked why i was not angry, people i spoke to that had been through the same thing then said i would get angry.

I didn’t get angry, but now i feel odd.

I don’t FEEL angry but i feel like i’m full of anger.

I feel like a caged tiger lives in me.

I feel like the caged tiger is angry, hungry, crazed, bored, hurt, possessed, on edge and damaged.

I feel like shes got bits missing.

She just wants to run and run and run.

She wants to rip and claw and bite and pull things to shreds with her claws.

She wants to roar till her throat burns and her whole world is silent.

Silent and every other being has stopped and is still.

She wants peace.

She wants not to be caged.

She wants to run.

She wants to free.

Sometimes she wants to be alone and sometimes she wants to be with others.

She wants not to hurt.

She wants peace.

Shes looking for the bits that are missing from her, she knows somethings missing.

She doesn’t know what and she doesn’t know where to find them.

She is so hurt.

 

I can sense her anger but i don’t seem to FEEL it.

I sense her pain and i just want her to feel better.

I sense her unease and just want to calm her.

 

I feel numb.

 

Dead behind the eyes!!

For anyone who has been reading my blog you will know how low I have been.

After the initial impact of finding out about the affair, being metal abused, black thursday and then the PTSD.

I’ve felt since the start of house share I’m in total free fall – oh and by the way my hair seems to be falling out. I don’t mean that in a ironic way, I mean that in a – I keep waking up with a pillow full of hair way. In a – it looks like someone’s shaved cousin IT on my bathroom floor way.

The one place I have managed to hold it together is work.

Work I know, work I’m good at.

Manager took me for a coffee today.

There had been a promotion available in a different department.

‘Mandy I don’t want you to go for the promotion, I have something else in mind’

She explained what this was, I liked the sound of it so its something I’m going to go with.

She then moved on to something else. She told me she knew I was keeping it together at work but how was I at home.

I spilled the beans about the new therapy that starts tomorrow.

Good she said. She told me she feels I need more help.

She said that she thought I looked dead behind my eyes.

I smiled at her, I told her I thought I was.

I think I have taken as much as I can now.

I told her I felt I was free falling.

I’d lost hope of ever having a life.

I felt empty.

I had nothing to go on for.

No reason to go on.

No where to go, couldn’t stay here in the long term – watch him remarry, couldn’t move home where his family live.

No roots, no future, no reason.

She told me she thought I couldn’t go on like this.

She told me she would help me all she could.

She said that I had to push on and try to find meaning.

She said to carry on with my boxing.

I want one day to feel not emotionally dead.

I want to find meaning.

I want a life.

I want a future.

But I worry.

I worry that I’m going to carry on, live with the pain everyday and get back nothing. Never meet anyone, watch him remarry, watch him have kids. No one will ever want me. I don’t want to carry on for nothing.

I forgot to research PTSD, I’m not sure of how much I’m feeling is due to that.

The pain seems to override everything, consume it in white hot flame.

I want there to be something more than the pain.

I miss him.

Some people from work persuaded me to go out for a few drinks tonight.

Meds seem to impact the effect of drink.

I only had 3 but I’m a bit drunk.

It’s Monday tomorrow

He will text me. He always texts me Monday to Friday 9 to 5. She works in a different part of the building. Sometimes I wonder if she knows how much he contacts me.

I miss him.

I hate sleeping alone.

I miss him so much that my chest aches.

I miss him so much, with every cell.

I feel overwhelmed with my sadness tonight.

I feel so sad. I miss him.

I want a hug.

I’m missing my left hand while being repeatedly punched in the chest!!

Weekends are hard for me.

Dipstick said another reason for him leaving me was that I didn’t get to spend quality time with him.

As IT works at the same place as him, IT has weekends off too.

When I’m working at a weekend now my mind goes to places it shouldn’t.

Are they together right now?

Where are they?

Are they in OUR coffee shop/restaurant/beach!,

If there’s not many customers at work I’m destined to have a weekend from hell.

The other side of it is that we would speak every lunch time.

I miss doing this, I spend so much of my time missing him.

I feel like I’m missing my left hand most of the time.

Today I saw the man that IT had an affair with before IT had an affair with dipstick.

He looked me, he gave me this sad smile full of pity.

It sent me over the edge for a few hours.

It was like a immediate punch in the chest.

I wanted to ask him what was so amazing about IT, I wanted to ask why men immediately forget about there wife’s and girlfriends (dipstick was the 5th man that IT was slept with that was in a relationship/married).

One day I would like to ask her why she only peruses men that are attracted?

I spent the next 3 hours thinking about them non stop.

It was like being repeatedly punched in the chest!!

I hate weekends.

Been drinking and feel sad.

Can’t stop thinking about everything he said! I’ve been drinking. I feel totally messed up. Can’t believe he is being so nice now. Feel so lost, I miss him.

I’ve moved all my stuff to the house share now.

I didn’t ask for any of this.
I miss him.
I can’t believe he has done this to me,
I’m happy he still ‘has love’ for me.
I want to still be friends with him but I’m scared I will never move on. I so sad all of the time.

I’m just so sad, I don’t want to be sad anymore!

How in one day does he drag me back to day one?

Had a call from dipstick. He’s had something major happen within his family. It’s made him think.

He’s been thinking about the way he has treated me.
He’s been thinking about what he wants for my future.
He’s been thinking about what he wants for his future.

He’s has told me….

-He has a lot of love for me but doesn’t think he is in love with me. -He wants us to meet for coffee every few months to catch up.
-He wants to have my new address and wants us to write to each other weekly if possible. Bet she’s gonna love having m letter drop through her letterbox. -He is worried about my future.
-He’s worried I won’t cope on my own.
-He’s worried I will do something stupid (bit late for that but I didn’t tell him about that).
-He is extremely sorry for the things he said and the mental torture he put me though. -He cares deeply for me.
-He says I’m an amazing person and this is not my fault.
-He has to give this relationship with her a go as he has ‘made a commitment’ – that is a fucking joke. -He has found out I’m on meds and seeing a shrink and feels extremely guilty. -He thinks about me everyday.
-He says he will never get over me.
-He cries when he thinks about me.
-He went on holiday with her and thought of me everyday.

HE fucked someone else.
HE was moved in with someone else.
HE compared my sexual performance.
HE told me he was sick of having a fat girlfriend.
HE told me the guys he worked with had models for girlfriends and he was stuck with me.

I’ve told him I’ll agree to write to him and he can have my address.

Everyone I have told so far is freaking out when I said this so I haven’t given it him yet. Think I’m gonna take some time to think about it.

I’m exhausted after this phone call.

I take a diazepam and sleep for 4 hours.

I’m sitting here in tears I don’t know what to do.

He was so sweet and I love him so much.

I don’t know what to do.

Quite moments.

Sitting in the doctors surgery writing this. I’m having what I have nicknamed a ‘quite moment’. It sounds nice doesn’t it?

Well it’s not, theses moments stalk me. They wait until I’m feeling like I might just be ok to strike.

They whisper dark thoughts of being alone and never being whole again. They whisper that he was right to leave me.
They whisper that I deserve everything I get.
They tell me in fat and no one will want me.

Quite moments are the bain of my life.

They are the wait for the bus.

They are the wait for the doctor.

They are the few minutes or hours before I nod off at night.

They are the moments at work where the customers seem to disappear and it’s just me – alone.

They are the moments I sit in the bath.

They are me having a coffee in the cafe, when I’ve finished my paper and I realise no one is waiting at home.

They are numerous and new ones appear at any given moment.

I’m hoping to have less quite moments.

Big day ahead!

It’s 6.30am and I’m on the bus on the way to work.

I’m wishing I could opt out of the next 18 hours.

Dipstick is coming to get the last of his things.

We have agreed that there will be no contact for a while. I can’t deal with any of the legal stuff right now. I imagine they will get engaged soon then push for marriage in 6 months.

I will take 6 months to try to get my stuff together, then I feel I will be more ready to deal with all the legal bits.

I’ve been told that his parents are taking a loan against their home. This is to clean our debts so he can make a fresh start. His parents don’t expect me to pay any of this back – they have also cut contact with me now.

While he is collecting his bits ill be seeing caseworker and shrink.

I’m keep crying this morning. I left him a goodbye letter.

I’m struggling today.

When I finally get in I’m going straight to bed!

Not coping well today.