Been drinking and feel sad.

Can’t stop thinking about everything he said! I’ve been drinking. I feel totally messed up. Can’t believe he is being so nice now. Feel so lost, I miss him.

I’ve moved all my stuff to the house share now.

I didn’t ask for any of this.
I miss him.
I can’t believe he has done this to me,
I’m happy he still ‘has love’ for me.
I want to still be friends with him but I’m scared I will never move on. I so sad all of the time.

I’m just so sad, I don’t want to be sad anymore!

You don’t want me anymore, do you?

I Last time i left off it was a Tuesday and i had some bad thoughts, seen a doctor, been signed off work and been told ‘she’ has suffering with stress.

For anyone that has read the previous posts its pretty obvious that things are over, but he had told me he was taking a week to decide what he wanted. He wanted me to know the things i would need to change IF he stayed.

I am in total and utter denial.

For the rest of that week i live in a odd fog – i don’t really remember what happened when but to be honest i don’t think anything much really did happen.

At the end of the week he comes home and tell me he think he has made he choice.

He starts to cry.

I Feel bad about this and hug him and stroke his hair while he cries.

When he has finished crying i ask what the choice is – i’m not crying (i’m having some kind of brake down at this point – its not helping that if i start crying he gets very very angry and threatens to leave = my brain comes to understand that if we don’t cry he may stay)

He says – (i oddly remember this with great clarity)

Mandy…..I……I…

You don’t want me anymore do you?

I just look at him

I feel cold.

He start to cry again and i hug him again.

When hes finished i think he looks wore out.

Shall we go to bed you look sleepy?

Yer thanks

So i lead him to bed and we lay in the dark

I never meant to hurt you

That’s it for me i’m gone. The gates open – all fear of him leaving if i cry goes out the window.

I sob and sob and sob

I’ve learnt the difference now, I’ve spoken to a few other women and men that this has happened too. The cry is almost animistic. You cry from your soul – i know, i know – that sounds sooo cheesy but its true.

You cry for more reasons than i can list.

Something in me was broken.

He starts to cry too, he hugs me.

Don’t, please don’t. Lets see how we feel tomorrow ah. i’ll think about it some more. Maybe….

He says nothing else.

Now looking back i think 2 things about this night.

1 – He is hurting when he hurts me. I’m not saying some of this tears are not guilt, cowardice, fear etc but i can see now finally breaking the news that he is going to be with her, seeing my pain – it hurt him – i don’t know how i feel about this.

2 – He is an utter git for giving me hope here, because in the last sentence of ‘lets see in the morning’ is all i immediately take from the whole night. He should have been firming but then i should have been stronger.