I’m back!

Hi all!!!

After a odd few weeks I feel I need to give you all a quick catch up before diving into a new post on Monday.

Ambushed by his family in the work place!!,

Oh yes people, after contacting dipsticks family and asking them not to contact me anymore they appeared at my desk!! I literally could not believe my eyes! I was paralysed, there was nothing I could do. Customers where milling around and my work colleges where there. I talked to them for about 10 minutes before bursting into tears. Someone I worked with asked them to leave. I sobbed while laying on a pallet of concrete fence posts for 40 minutes. His mother says she will write to me soon, I asked her not to but she says she will anyway.

Therapy

My therapist has finally made me understand that my healing is being stunted by contact. I am in the process of cutting all ties with him – legally, financially, spiritually, mentally and physically. She has also made me understand how very wrong he was to be coming and having sex with me behind her back in the early months. I was so hoping by keeping this intimacy he would come back. He kept the hope alight at every point. Kept me hanging with every visit, every text and every call. She has also made me understand that I need to take responsibility for my healing – I need to move forward or I will rot where I am.

Dipstick

He still emails. I’ve asked him to stop. He still texts. I’ve asked him to stop. In his last email he reminded me to unpack my winter coat

“It’s getting cold Love, I don’t want you getting ill”

He is killing me with kindness, I won’t be reading anymore of his emails. I’m in the process of getting a new phone and new email. I still have love for him. Surprisingly the thought of touching him/kiss him turns my stomach. I don’t know when this change happened, I can’t remember it happening but it has. I still care about him. My feelings for him are a mass of contradictions and tangled roots.

Life

I got a modest raise at work. They said I had done so well over the last few months. Boxing buddy want to house share with me once my current situation expires in feb. I thinking about it. House shares girlfriend has turned into Glenn Close. Things at the house share are strained.

My trolls

Im not bothered anymore, I’ve overcome worst things.

Eharmony

I’ll explain all Monday. Let’s just say for now it’s been a learning curve.

WordPress buddies

Thank you for the kind words. You are the reason I have returned, I’ve missed you all. You give me strength when I need it and you know all my secrets!!!

XXXX

I cooked a roast dinner!

Today I cooked a roast. It’s the first roast I have cooked in 5 months.

A friend came round and we have chatted and cooked.

I did all the cooking in the relationship.

I’ve been living on scrambled eggs since he went.

It’s been good to cook for someone.

Today hasn’t been a bad day.

Dipsticks family haven’t contacted me as they said they would.

I’m ok with that.

Choices – I don’t know what to do!!

I’ve been thinking about my options today.

My options seem extensive but they all seem to lack meaning. I can’t see the point in any of them.

I have to have a plan by Christmas

A = Stay on this little island and watch him get remarried.

B = Move back to my home town – where his family live. Watch him come home to visit. See the school we met in. My heart being clawed out at every corner.

C = little Bro’s choice is for me to move to London.

D = Put a pin in a map – move there.

E = Go traveling.

F = Travel to the moon and set up camp!

F’s winning out at the moment!

If I could have any wish I would have my mind wiped of any memory of him. I would have the pain, the hurt all wiped out of my head.

I wish I had never met him.

Loss

There is a gent I work with, I’m going to call him Ned.

Ned lost his mother 1 week before I found out about dipstick.

I had a month off work when it all happened.

When I came back he came and found me. We had a chat, we found that many of the same thought and feelings where flitting around our heads.

We catch up every week and chat about what we have been up to.

We cleaned out the flats at the same time.

Sorted out the utility bills at the same time.

Another person at work joined one of our chats the other day. I got up to make the coffees. While I was I up she turned to Ned and said (obviously a lot more loudly than she meant to it be or she was being particularly cruel).

‘Your mums dead, Mandy’s husband has ONLY left her, what could yo possible have in common? Do you not just wanna give her a slap and tell her to snap out of it?’

Ned was quite for a moment – I had my back to them. I kinda froze, felt a sudden rush of tears. I suddenly felt so guilty – how could I have assumed that Ned was finding our chats as therapeutic as I was?! Stupid cow!!

‘It’s funny really, most of this is the same – the aftermath I mean. But your right that there are some major differences.
I mean I get to go home to my wife at night, to my home. Mandy of course gets to go to an empty house, a house that she loves but she now has to leave.
Then there’s the finances, I’m waiting on my inheritance now. It’s costly and there’s lots of legal stuff but that’s my future cemented now. Dipstick took everything so Mandy’s struggling to just make it to payday now.
I suppose there’s the future plans too, with my inheritance I get to start planning the trip to Africa. Mum would have loved it so I’m going to get it sorted ASAP. Mandy’s plans to go to New York are off now to many memories for her. The plan to buy the cottage is off now too – dipstick has now moved to ‘insert town of choice for Mandy’s cottage here’ with her so there’s no way se can do it now.
I miss my mum. I miss her like mad but I’ve got my wife, my kids my future. What’s Mandy got now?’

I had made the coffee by this point, Ned’s speech made me smile, it made me feel like someone had my back.

What’s happened isn’t the same, I know that but once I say sat down he said to me.

‘I get to remember the happy times with my mum, maybe you will to one day. I get to idolise my mum there’s nothing she can do now to break that. He’s still hurting you even though he’s gone. I feel for you Mandy. It would have been easier if he’d Died Mand but you’ll get there, you will’

I was still crying but I was smiling a little now too.

How do I find meaning?

Ok so I’m sitting here in my new shared house.

The old flat sorted and keys are ready to hand back.

For the next 6 months the drama should be mostly behind me. I’m now left with the shards of an old life.

I now have the stability of a job, a roof over my head and along with the house share I will now have some disposable income.

Here’s where I have to be brutally honest with myself and you all.

My ex was controlling with money.

I never got the opportunity to have my hair or nails done.

I never really made friends because I could never go out.

I never got the opportunity to learn to drive.

I had NO hobbies – anything I tried to start I was told there was no money for.

The only thing I did was read. I saved my change from the bus fares and brought second hand books.

I’m a 26 years old empty space – I’m beige.

I’m literally nothing now he has gone!

How do you reduce someone to beige – I never use to be beige, I use to collect large scale lego models. I use to lay in the rain on the grass and watch the sky. I use to be funny and happy go lucky. I was quirky, I was happy.

But I was 16. I’m no longer 16 – I’m now beige!!!

It’s horrible to admit your boring but I suppose that’s what I’m doing.

I’m struggling to find meaning now.

My life before was making breakfast,lunch and dinner for him

Having sex with him.

Going to the beach so he could do his photography.

He put me in such a small box and I let him!!

I don’t know how to be more than I was, and I don’t say that sobbing on the floor. I don’t say that in a dramatic style. I say that with honesty.

So how do I find meaning?

A friend took me for dinner the other day and I struggled with what to order. He asked me what I would have ordered if dipstick was sitting opposite? I knew – it would have been the salmon so he could finish what ever I didn’t eat. My friend stared at me.

Mandy we are going to sit here till you decide what you want.

20 minutes later and having sent the waiter away 3 times I ordered a lamb burger.

I can’t live my life like this. I feel half, I feel empty.

How do I find out how i am (and I know how cheesy that sounds).

How do I find meaning?

Hard day! Trying to cope.

Wow massively hard day so far and it’s only noon.

On the plus side I woke up and got out of bed with no tears, I then turn to the order of the day.

Packing!!

I have managed with relative ease this morning. Don’t get me wrong it’s not simple but I think I’m starting to except the pain as part of my everyday life. I’ve been waiting for the break in it. I’ve been waiting for it to ease off. It’s not. It still burning, still clawing at me but I’m starting to accept it. I’m feel lime I’m carrying it rather than it drowning me.

I just threw out all the Christmas decorations. 9 years worth of lovely Christmases all in the bin. I took the baubles with his name inscribed and put them in his boxes. He’s coming to get his stuff Monday.

This is the hardest thing I have had to do, I have taken all the memory boxes and I’m going to put them in storage, it’s too soon to throw them away. I’m trying to get rid of anything that remind me of him but that’s leaving me with less and less.

I miss him with every part of me, but he doesn’t want me.

On day I hope I find someone that wants to be with me for him, just how I am. But I feel so old.

I’m also coming to accept my failings.

I should have lost weight quicker for him.
I should have had sex 6/7 nights a week instead of 3/4.
I should have done more cleaning in the house.

These are all reasons he threw at me for leaving and I suppose I should accept I could have done more.

Despite everything I worry about him and I want him to be happy.

Granted I want to hunt her down and so some serious physical damage but I guess it takes 2 to tango.

I wonder if I will be happy one day. I hope i will.

I’ve never been an single as an adult, the last time I was single I was 16/17.

I feel like I’ve got a whole person to grow into.

It’s all a bit daunting really.

On the plus side I have found somewhere to live for the next 6 months

I wonder how ill feel in 6 months. I hope I’ve stopped crying everyday.