I woke before sunrise, i think i only got a few hours sleep. My addled mind catches on to the fact its Sunday.
Something i’ll soon get use to is having to search my mind first thing in the morning to work out a few vital facts. What days is it? Should i be somewhere? Do i have work? This however is the first day its happened. Considering i’m on auto pilot it hasn’t really registered yet that this does not normally happen.
Normally on a Sunday i would get up first and clean the kitchen and make breakfast while he sleeps in. Today i don’t do this, Today i wake at sunrise and sit up, i then sit for the next 4 hours and watch him sleep. I take in every contour of his face. I’m scared to breath in case i wake him, i sit so so still.
He wakes and just looks at me – doesn’t say anything.
Things blur here – good old autopilot kicks in and the next thing i remember is him suggesting we go for a walk.
We do, we go to the beach, he finds me a shell. i kiss him, i tell him i love him.
Looking back here i can tell there’s nothing in his kiss, hes gone.
He says lets go for coffee so we do.
He tells me all the things i will have to change and work on IF he stays.
He eats something, i cant.
We go home, we sit.
My manager texts me and tells about a pub i have to go to.
I reply with something – autopilot – thank you!!
My manger realizes from the off tone text message i have sent something is wrong – she does not reply. She already arranged a meeting regarding my offish behavior of late so she will bring it up then.
He says we need to try to be normal for the next week – no talking about it – just get back in to routine so we can process our feeling in a healthy way.
I don’t remember the rest of this day