The morning after the night before.

I woke before sunrise, i think i only got a few hours sleep. My addled mind catches on to the fact its Sunday.

 Something i’ll soon get use to is having to search my mind first thing in the morning to work out a few vital facts. What days is it? Should i be somewhere? Do i have work? This however is the first day its happened. Considering i’m on auto pilot it hasn’t really registered yet that this does not normally happen.

Normally on a Sunday i would get up first and clean the kitchen and make breakfast while he sleeps in. Today i don’t do this, Today i wake at sunrise and sit up, i then sit for the next 4 hours and watch him sleep. I take in every contour of his face. I’m scared to breath in case i wake him, i sit so so still. 

He wakes and just looks at me – doesn’t say anything. 

Things blur here – good old autopilot kicks in and the next thing i remember is him suggesting we go for a walk. 

We do, we go to the beach, he finds me  a shell. i kiss him, i tell him i love him.

Looking back here i can tell there’s nothing in his kiss, hes gone.

He says lets go for coffee so we do.

He tells me all the things i will have to change and work on IF he stays. 

He eats something, i cant.

We go home, we sit.

My manager texts me and tells about a pub i have to go to. 

I reply with something – autopilot – thank you!!

My manger realizes from the off tone text message i have sent something is wrong – she does not reply. She already arranged a meeting regarding my offish behavior of late so she will bring it up then. 

He says we need to try to be normal for the next week – no talking about it – just get back in to routine so we can process our feeling in a healthy way.

I don’t remember the rest of this day

 

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It’s all a bit hazy!

From the morning after that conversation things become a little blurry for awhile.

I know what order things happened in but the exact time scales are foggy.

My brain doesn’t want to remember I’ve been told.

I’ve been amazed by the way it went into auto pilot.

I use to watch a program when I was younger about the human body and it being powered my tiny people pulling levers and pushing buttons.

I almost feel that is what happened. His words filtered in to my ears and the little person running the audio department starts running around like a sailor in a sinking ship. He would be pushing buttons and throwing switches shouting

Auto pilot!!!
Auto pilot!!!

I imagine this message finally reached the brain, the little man running things there looks in horror at the command. He reaches for a big red button that sits under a glass hood –autopilot–

I imagine that when the button clicks into place steam is vented and red light flick on in his little cabin.

It makes me smile this little image.

I’m going to keep writing – I’m going to use texts/emails/letters to make sure the timeline is right.

I’m also going to be honest about the part I have played in this. I have to face up to my own mistakes.