Struggling today!

Had a good day yesterday!

Today though I can’t seem to break out of this mood.

Keep going to dark places! Can’t stop thinking of them together!

Why is the human mind so cruel?

I hate this ‘new’ life I have.

It’s so small, I feel so small.

I feel alone.

I don’t see meaning, I don’t see a future!

I don’t see how I’m going to make it through this.

House share wants to meet for a coffee. He tried to make me dinner for 2 nights in a row.

I’m so wary of him now. I don’t like myself when I feel like that. He’s a good person but I feel that he’s ruined it.

Him asking me ‘to take things further’ was way out of line. I’m looking for meaning in everything he says it does.

I don’t enjoy spending time with him.

There’s a elephant In the room.

I hate this life I live now.

I’m feeling shit.

Complication from house share!

Got a text from house mate.

He asked me if I wanted to ‘take our relationship to the next level’.

I’m utterly furious.

We had this conversation!

He’s double my age.

I now feel so self aware.

I’m torn up inside and now I have this to deal with.

I don’t feel comfy at house share now.

I’m so pissed off.

I can’t take this stress as well.

Have you seen Facebook?

The next day he tells me he is going to take her shopping, shes stressed and he wants to treat her.

I sit on the sofa with my knees to my chest and stare into space – i seem to do this a lot.

I ask him if he will be home for dinner.

He says hes not sure.

 

Looking back on this now i literally cant believe that

A – he told me this.

B – I just accepted this, i cant believe how much i took.

 

About 2 hours later i go to the display unit in our hall way – its full of pictures, presents, shells, treasure found on the beaches and old cinema stubs. I take a box and start ripping the unit to pieces. i pack everything away. I make the mistake of looking at some of the tags and reading the loving messages there.

 

My phone rings

 

Its a friend of mine, she is a good friends – one of those people that you don’t see you ages then when you do catch up its like there was never any gap in contact. When i called her and told her about what was happening she cried with me (i don’t remember making this call but she told me i did it in the first days of it all)

Hi Mand, you OK?

I’m Broken

Oh Mand, i’m sorry to ask but have you seen Facebook?

 

My heart sinks at this, i haven’t told my family or any friends  that he is seeing her less than 24 hours after telling me its over. i think i know whats coming next.

 

Oh god, wait while i log on.

NO.. No don’t you look, please just go on and delete your profile. Please promise me you wont look.

 

I log on and follow her advice. i think i must have hung up at some point because the next thing i remember i’m sitting on the floor surrounded by our memories and my phone is ringing. its my mum i assume she has seen whatever made my friend call me.

I don’t answer

Instead i write a group text to all my family. i explain what has happened – that we are splitting up due to the fact he has been/wants to see someone else. I don’t know how long for but i think its been going on longer than the week he is saying. I send it then turn my phone off.

I finish packing the box then i run a bath. i pour a large glass of wine.

I get in the bath – i down the wine in 3 gulps then i cry – this turns in to a howl.

I’ve never howled like this – its even worst than the first night he told me it was over.

It must be bad as the person upstairs starts banging on the floor.

I cant stop but i do quieten down after a while.

Next thing i know i’m ‘coming to’ – the bath water is cold.

This is the first time i really recognize i have ‘lost time’. Its like people talk about alien abductions except with no UFOs – I’ve lost 2 hours.

I get out the bath – I’m immediately dizzy – I vomit – I vomit so much i end up dry heaving – there’s nothing left in me.

He walks in the door a few hours later – i’m in the kitchen as he has text-ed me saying he will be home for dinner – i’m cooking.

He throws down his shoes – hes mad about something.

 

Have you seen what ****** put on Facebook?

No – she called me today and asked me to delete Facebook so i did.

Well me and *** put ourselves in a relationship on Facebook and ****** put some comment on it about her being a whore and how many more marriages is she going to ruin? Poor *** had a panic attack – We where going to out out for dinner but i had to take her home.

 

I don’t say anything. I don’t ask him how he could do this to me when i haven’t even told my family. I don’t point out that he is trying to convince me its been less than a week and if that’s the case why everything so quick? I don’t ask how he can talk to me about HER stress?

Then he sees the display unit –

 

Where is everything?

I packed it way?

Why?

 

I don’t say anything to this – i just look at him

 

Have you chucked it way?

No!

Good i want to keep some of it.

 

At this point a tiny amount of realization takes hold.

This must have been going on a while, hes let go of me. He doesn’t seem to care about my pain anymore.

He seems more relived that he can be in the open with her.

I want to know how long they have been talking about the day he would break the news to me?

 

What i still don’t understand to this day is why is he mad i took the memories down front the display unit?

 

We eat

He asks me if i want him to sleep on the sofa

I say no

He gets in to bed and i go straight to sleep.

 

 

 

Game over – i decided to check out.

First of all this post is incredibly difficult to write. My family know i’m writing this blog but they have no idea of my intentions this day and do not have access to read it.

Its Tuesday the 23rd of April 2013 

I am meant to be on the late shift so he gets up and will be leaving before me.

You going to go in today?

I’m going to try.

You should go in.

I know.

You want some breakfast?

I still cant keep anything down.

Oh OK.

He eats then leaves. 

I cant really explain what happens next, a lot of things happen that i’m not really even consciously aware of. Looking back i think that i knew, i think i knew everything. I must have been aware that there was no saving this on some level. Although the conversations i was having with my parents consist of me telling them we are going to work things out. I think somewhere in the darkest corners of my mind i knew this was game over for us. 

I say that because its the only thing that explains what i did next.

I didn’t go into work, i sat on my sofa and looked out of my window at the river. 

After sometime i got up, i put some socks and shoes on and put my rain coat on (the sun was very bright that day – why the rain coat i have no idea).

Large heavy trucks run on a length of road behind my home. They drive quick down the little rat run and probably pass at a rate of 2 an hour.

I take a pad and pen and i write him a note – i say i’m not strong enough for this, that i love him and that i want him to have a good life. 

I leave the house that we only moved into 8 months ago and decide i am going to throw myself under the next truck that comes down my road.

I’m not in tears, i’m not hyperventilating, i’m empty and i’m so sad and I’m done.

 I’m standing at the edge of the road and i’m waiting.

Looking back its almost like i was having an out of body experience.

As i’m waiting for my truck to race down the road my phone rings.

Its mum.

Mandy are you OK?

…..yer mum……

We are worried.

At this point i breakdown i cry and sob.

Where are you?

Out.

Walk to your doctors.

I’m not registered at one.

(You have got to love the autopilot)

Just walk into one and ask to speak to a doctor.

The next thing i remember is being called into speak to a doctor (there is a medical center near my home).

The doctor says sorry for the hour wait – they had to find my medical records at my old doctors across town she tells me.

(This women is a live saver – i still see her now)

I wont go into exactly what happens in there but she contacts someone to give me the help i needed and starts me on some things to stabilize me.

I have no idea if mum realizes she saved my life that day. If i hadn’t got that call i have no idea if i would be here now.

The doctor signs me off for a week and sends me home. She has told me i have to call my manager and explain.

I do this – She is amazing – She tells me not a single person at work will now and she will meet me  the next day and collect my sick note and check in with me.

When he finds out that i have been signed off work he gets angry, like i’m doing this to make him feel bad.

I remember that night he tells me *** is so stressed she wasn’t able to come in to work today. 

Ah the poor thing – she must be having such a rough time!!!!

Staring at the ceiling

Every little thing in the last few months that has seemed out of character comes rushing at me.

I have no idea if hes really asleep. i don’t think he is but i’m literally paralyzed by fear.

My friend could have been mistaken but i realize i know shes not.

Something has gone badly wrong.

i cant breath.

I’m losing him.

Hes right here, buts hes gone.

I cant breath.

I want him to cuddle me and say everything is OK and he missed me tonight but he doesn’t.

I’m broken inside.

I know……

I think i have known in my heart for a while.

(unknown to me at this point my manager is arranging a meeting as i have been forgetting things, seemed distant and shes worried)

Things that have been said over the last few months fly at me, everything hurts, my heart hurts, my brain is going too quickly.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW

My brain is fighting its self, weighing the odds, looking for the logic, finding the innocent reasons behinds so many night late to pick me up from work.

Everything’s going to be OK….

Everything’s going to be OK….

Everything’s going to be OK….

Everything’s going to be OK….

i repeat it in my head hoping its true, hoping i can make it true.

its to this chanting i drift off to sleep.

Having spoken to friends since this night a lot of them ask me how i went to sleep at all that night, how i didn’t scream and cry and throw things when he got in. I have no idea but i have learnt and am learning that the lengths the brain will go to protect its self are far and complex.