Ahhhhhh!

Woke up at 4am.

I’d had a terrible dream.

I broke my uninitiated contacted rule.

I emailed dipstick!

Shit shit shit

I wish I could take it back.

I wasn’t a take me back email at least, I’ve never gone there.

It was a how could you did this email.

Oddly since I have done this I feel like a pressure had been released!

I just feel embarrassed now.

Crap – I hope he doesn’t show it to her!

😦

Loss

There is a gent I work with, I’m going to call him Ned.

Ned lost his mother 1 week before I found out about dipstick.

I had a month off work when it all happened.

When I came back he came and found me. We had a chat, we found that many of the same thought and feelings where flitting around our heads.

We catch up every week and chat about what we have been up to.

We cleaned out the flats at the same time.

Sorted out the utility bills at the same time.

Another person at work joined one of our chats the other day. I got up to make the coffees. While I was I up she turned to Ned and said (obviously a lot more loudly than she meant to it be or she was being particularly cruel).

‘Your mums dead, Mandy’s husband has ONLY left her, what could yo possible have in common? Do you not just wanna give her a slap and tell her to snap out of it?’

Ned was quite for a moment – I had my back to them. I kinda froze, felt a sudden rush of tears. I suddenly felt so guilty – how could I have assumed that Ned was finding our chats as therapeutic as I was?! Stupid cow!!

‘It’s funny really, most of this is the same – the aftermath I mean. But your right that there are some major differences.
I mean I get to go home to my wife at night, to my home. Mandy of course gets to go to an empty house, a house that she loves but she now has to leave.
Then there’s the finances, I’m waiting on my inheritance now. It’s costly and there’s lots of legal stuff but that’s my future cemented now. Dipstick took everything so Mandy’s struggling to just make it to payday now.
I suppose there’s the future plans too, with my inheritance I get to start planning the trip to Africa. Mum would have loved it so I’m going to get it sorted ASAP. Mandy’s plans to go to New York are off now to many memories for her. The plan to buy the cottage is off now too – dipstick has now moved to ‘insert town of choice for Mandy’s cottage here’ with her so there’s no way se can do it now.
I miss my mum. I miss her like mad but I’ve got my wife, my kids my future. What’s Mandy got now?’

I had made the coffee by this point, Ned’s speech made me smile, it made me feel like someone had my back.

What’s happened isn’t the same, I know that but once I say sat down he said to me.

‘I get to remember the happy times with my mum, maybe you will to one day. I get to idolise my mum there’s nothing she can do now to break that. He’s still hurting you even though he’s gone. I feel for you Mandy. It would have been easier if he’d Died Mand but you’ll get there, you will’

I was still crying but I was smiling a little now too.

Dreams.

Once little bro is in bed I have been self medicating to sleep – no matter how much I sleep I’m exhausted.

I’m drinking at night.

I dreamt I went to a field. I dreamt that I screamed and instead of a noise black tar spewed from my mouth.
It spewed and didn’t stop. The hurt, betrayal, pain, venom, loneliness and self loathing poured from me. It spewed and spewed from me until I stood in a black pool. It was dripping down my chin, it soaked my clothes. The black tar kept coming out of me. It didn’t stop, my knees gave way – I fell into the pool of tar. I laid in it, tears streamed down my eyes, the tar kept coming. I couldn’t breath.

I woke up.

Sometimes i dream about dipstick directly. Dream it hasn’t happened, or i dream this world I live in now is a nightmare.

I prefer the dream about the field of tar – it’s confusing let less painful.

Didn’t expect that?!

Feeling a bit shocked.

I’ve got PTSD.

Explains the flashbacks, rumination, sleep issues, feeling of impending danger, being scared shit less most of the time and avoiding triggers!!

Think it started in those weeks they spent intently mentally abusing me (and also the years of the milder mental abuse within the relationship – this apparently explains why I was always on edge and jumpy).

The weeks he spent comparing me sexually, getting into bed at night describing all the sexual stuff they had done, telling me he was moving her in, telling me he was going to take all the money (which he did anyway) and forcing me to bury my emotions.

He tried to break me to get me to move home so he could take everything.

He didn’t make me move away but I’m wonder if I should have.

I’m wondering the damage now done.

He’s off enjoying he’s life and I’m left with no money, in therapy and with PTSD!!

Shit – I still fucking miss him – I’m messed up.

Feeling empty!

Today I went for a run after work.

I hope this would fill the void in me.

I did for a few minutes.

Then it didn’t.

I’m struggling.

I’m trying to hang on till little bro gets here Sunday.

I see my mood sliding the closer it gets to my non-anniversary.

The closer it gets the lower I feel.

Also just realised the house share contract is up on my ex birthday.

Ill be moving while they celebrate together.

I feel like I’m sinking.

I’m drowning in this.