Living in twilight zone!!

I’ve been thinking a lot in the last week about me.

Every time I try to do this it ALWAYS switched back to thinking about dipstick.

Having this week off has been good with little bro. He’s immature for his age which has been good for me in many ways. He has demanded a lot of my time, but I have had time to think. Too much time really.

Every branch of my life feels wrong to the core. Everything feels alien, it feels like I’m watching a television program.

This is not my life, this is not I signed up for.

7 years ago I moved 300 miles away from my family to live on a small island just off the UK.

I gave up college, my job and contact with my family.

I was faithful to him in every way.

I used all my money to Kay the bills.

He told me we would go back to our home town once a month.

We ended you going back twice a year.

I have been left with nothing.

Pretty much everything hurts.

I feel like screaming till my vocal cords implode.

But I’m trying to not dwell on all this (yes I know that’s laughable considering my daily posts, but believe me I am trying).

So here what I must do in the next week.

Do a budget.

Make a list of options that I need to pick from by Christmas.

Set up payment plan to dipstick – he wants half the value of the furniture I have kept.

Set up payment to house share for half bills and rent.

I hate dragging myself through this shit.

It’s all shit.

I can’t help thinking I should have moved in by myself but there’s nothing I can do now.

House share has made no more remarks about taking thing further. I hope he gets it now.

I miss dipstick, I don’t know why. I still don’t understand either why I haven’t stopped loving him or why I miss him.

I’m hoping I stop loving him soon, I hope I stop missing him!


Struggling with the void!!

How do you learn to cope
With this void.

I feel like someone taken a shotgun to my chest and theres a large hole now. I feels like I could put my hand through it and touch the edges of my back.

It’s a pain I never expected and didn’t think could be cause by emotional pain.

Then there’s the void of seeing/hearing/thinking about something and going to text/call him.

He doesn’t care about what I’ve got to say.

How can I still love someone who has still hurt me so deeply.

I’m not sleeping.

I miss him in every way.

Wasted energy!

I fell down the stairs yesterday.

Housemate had just gone out.

I luckily slipped back and went down on my bum – it could have been my head.

I was carrying a lot – a glass of water, mobile phone, sun glasses, handbag and book.

Half way through the fall I had one of those moments when I realised trying to stop it wasn’t helping. I gave in, I went with it.

I sat at the bottom of the stairs for awhile after. My arse was killing me, I was crying it hurt so bad. I just sat and cried.

I soon realised that sitting and crying and hurting wasn’t gonna help me get on with my day.

So I did a quick assessment.

Glass – not broken, but the contents was all over the stairs.

Book – not wet.

Phone – not wet or broken.

Handbag – contents over the floor but not broken.

Arse – hurt a lot!

Sun glasses – not broken.

After sitting for a while longer I realised the mess wasn’t going to clean itself up, crying didn’t seem to be helping much.

I got myself up and sat in the sofa for a while then picked everything up and cleaned the stairs.

I had a bit of a think while I cleaned up.

No one is going to pick me up.

No one is going to clean up my mess.

Crying isn’t helping me.

I need to be stronger if I can.

I’d also would like to thank everyone for their kind comments.

No one in my ‘real’ life knows I’m writing this, no one knows everything that’s happened. This has been such an outlet!