My darkest day. I hope i never have to go there again.

Please don’t read this if you are feeling crap – i don’t need scolding. I know i was weak and i know i was being cowardly. Its taken a lot to think about this day. In a way though it makes me think that maybe  i have some further than i think.

On the 31st of July i wrote about the day i reached what i thought was rock bottom.

I left my home with the intention of throwing myself under a large fuel truck.

I ended up at a doctors office after a phone call that pretty much saved my life.

I really believed after that day i would improve.

I was sure that as i was given medication, a caseworker and a shrink i would start a rapid recovery and i wouldn’t be in pain for much longer.

I assumed that the with all of that, and with the help from others around me i was right on track – logical right?

Then the day that i call Black Thursday came.

Days off are incredible hard for me as all of my routine was based around him.

I know that everyone copes differently.

I know some people are stronger.

I know some are more stable.

But i also know there is no handbook for this.

I have known this man since i was 11.

At 12 i told my dad i was going to marry this man.

At 17 we made it official.

I’m 26 – I have loved this man for longer than i haven’t.

I feel like his being, his soul is part of me – like roots of a tree. I feel like i grew up with him. His root have become part of him – How do you untangle that?

Black Thursday came a week after i had turned up at the doctors.

I spent all day in my bed.

I don’t remember how the day started but i remember sitting under the covers with a bottle of wine – swinging straight from the bottle.

I remember the pain

I was thinking about all the sexual comparisons he had made. I was thinking about all the tips he gave me on how i could be better in bed. I was thinking about how no man was going to want be unless i got down to 8 stone. He has told me that.

I’ve since been told this is called rumination.

A lovely lady commented about it last week and a few days later my shrink told me all about it,

Turns out she was totally on the mark.

I’am learning some skills to stop me doing this now.

But at the time i had never heard of rumination.

I sat in bed and as everything went around in my head i decided i was destined to live a lonely and sad life. I decided to end it now rather than  put up with anymore pain.

I took my writing set and i wrote 4 letters.

Dad.

Mother.

Dipstick.

Good friend.

I wrote long letters.

I slept in between writing them as it really took it out of me.

I wept as i wrote them.

I poured myself out onto the pages.

By this point i had finished the bottle, i got up and took a shower.

I changed my sheets (looking back it must have taken me ages – it takes me long enough sober) and i took my last bottle of wine out of the fridge.

I then in my drunken state started looking for tablets.

i reached the Valium, the sleeping tablets and the antidepressants.

This seemed like a great mix to me. in my drunken state i assumed this would be like slipping away in a lovely hazy dream.

I was in so much pain i thought anything must be better than this…anything!

So i took them – all of them. I also downed the rest of the bottle of wine.

I placed the letter by the front door and closed my bedroom door.

I wanted whoever found me to know what i had done and not just burst in and see me.

i stumbled back into the bedroom and got into bed i put i episode of NCIS on the laptop (i cant get to sleep with out some background noise even now).

I felt it coming on quickly.

I’ve never held large amounts liquid very well and drinking 2 bottles of wine in a few hours didn’t sit well with me.

I vomited everywhere, it was voluminous. All the tablets had came back up, a little worn looking at the edges but they where there.

I got back in the shower where i vomited a few more times.

I then slept on the sofa for 12 hours.

I woke up feeling like shit.

I have kept the letters. They are on my bedside table. My shrink wanted me to throw them away but i cant. He wanted me to tell my parents but i cant. i have told Good friend though. She asked me to throw away the letters but i haven’t. Its not that i plan to use them, i don’t but there is something pure about them – if that’s the right word. It was me minus any bull shit. It was exactly how i felt. I don’t know how to explain it. Its difficult to verbalize. I haven’t read them back, i look at the envelopes sometimes. They make me feel a little safer.

I’m sorry if this post has made anyone uncomfortable but writing seems to help. This is probably my last really depressing post. lets home anyway!!

Advertisements

A (wake up) call from my Dad.

my dad

 

My dad is my hero – it sounds corny i know!

I don’t have children, I’ve never really wanted them. I’ve always said i’m too selfish for children but the truth is Dipstick was always dead set against kids and i was never fussed so its not something that ever came up.

When i was born my dad stayed at home and looked after me, and mother went out to work. It went like this for the first few years of my life.

I do wonder if that has cemented the relationship i have with him. He never did this for any of my brothers or sister, my mother got all of them in the first years while dad worked. I don’t actually remember those years obviously, but i assume they must have had an impact on me.

I’ve never been close to mother until this happened. Until he left.

Before he left i called home about once a month – he hated me having contact with my family. In the end it was easier to do as i was told.

Since this has happened – 3 and a half months ago – i have called her everyday. My mother is someone that loves to be needed. She is amazing in a crisis – its her specialty. Smaller things sometimes get left at the way side with mother. Don’t get me wrong i wouldn’t change her for the world and being honest I’ve taken her for granted up until this point. Who wants a surgeon that can’t perform heart surgery but puts a plaster on a paper cut in 2 seconds flat? My mother handles a crisis like no one else i know, she rocks it!!

Having said all that – Dad. Hes one of those men that only speaks when he truly has something to say. Dads stays silent most of the time and lets mother talk.

this week I’ve been up and down like a yo-yo on acid – this you can probably tell from the posts I’ve put up.

I had a break down, and in a very Bridget Jones style i called mother while i cried in the bath.

Its that sob again – that choking, chest heaving sob.

I’m trying to say that hes left me (she knows this)

I’m trying to say that i feel disgusting and broken (i’m sure I’ve told her this 100 times since he left)

I’m trying to say i can’t do this and i want to go to sleep and not wake up (I’ve been messing around with my med’s and i can now see the impact on my mood)

I’m trying to say i hurt so much that i have seriously thought about suicide (It goes a bit further than this but, A = that’s a different post and B = she cant understand me anyway)

She obviously at a loss at this point, doing this has maxed out her crisis handling ability i’m assuming.

She ends up hanging up – I don’t blame her – there’s nothing she can say, nothing she can do.

I throw the phone down on the floor and carry on with sobbing.

My land line starts ringing and it doesn’t stop.

Whoever is calling wont leave a message and keeps calling and retrying.

I drag myself out of the bath and answer the phone.

Its my Dad, mother has brought out the big guns.

‘Mandy you need to calm down’

‘Dad he’s……..’

‘That twat has had enough of your time’ – My dad never swears, this perforates my fog a little, also i register that this is the first time dad has bad mouthed him. I’ve been very protective of anyone being mean about him.

I start crying again

‘Mandy only you can bring your self out of this now. I don’t pretend to know what your going through, i don’t know what pain your in love. But your going to lose yourself. Its been over 3 months now, you need to start pulling out of this. I was engaged to someone else once, before your mum. I didn’t work out but i didn’t mind, i met your mum after. You will meet someone right for you in the future. Your still a baby, there is so much for you to live for. I’ve watched you wilt over the last few years, you use to be so bubbly. You will meet someone who will treat you the way you deserve, he treated you like shit Mandy. You will be OK. Its going to take time but things will turn around for you. You gave him too much love, you gave him too much of yourself. You lived his live darling, you didn’t live for yourself, you lived for him. You’ve never been an adult, you’ve never made your own choices. That’s no life darling. If you don’t start to get better soon i’m going to come and get you and you’ll have no choice but to come home. You said you wanted to live your own life and that fine but your not living at the moment your existing. you need to stop contact with him, Hes a barstard and every time you talk to him it brings you down. Stop worrying about him and what he wants, what hes doing. You need to start worrying about yourself or your not going to make it’

I’m sat on the floor with the phone in my hand.

Dads stopped talking, I’m stunned.

This is with out exception the longest and most emotional speech my dad has given. There are tears in my eyes just typing this. This is my dad on his super-dad A game. Hes told me things i didn’t know, things i’d been scared to admit, things i hadn’t even thought of and some home truths. Hearing your own dad say that you’ve been ‘treated like shit’ is hard.

I’m going to remember this to my dying day.

My dad at his most caring and honest.

He’s right – I’m wallowing, I’m self pitying, I’m being negative.

My parents are hurting seeing me in pain. I feel guilty.

For the first time I’m thinking of those around me.

I have been so utterly lost.

I think i need to try and find my way back to life now if i can.

I still hurt, i still feel sad but i need to drag myself forward it i can.

I hope i can.

And just one note to anyone reading this that is a parent – WOW i couldn’t do your job. I imagine its incredibly difficult and i really don’t think i have it in me. Well done.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first night i spent alone (lasted 5 hours)

A friends had come for have dinner with me so i wasn’t alone when he came and got his things.

He comes in –

 

I’m only going to be able to take what will fit in the car for now

OK 

I’ll be coming back to shower and eat most days so ill keep the key

OK

Is there any dinner?

Yer there’s extra pasta

Cool, is there enough for me to take in a pot for lunch tomorrow too?

Yer ill put it in Tupperware for you.. oh i baked you some flapjack too.

(yes people that’s right, i baked flapjacks from scratch so the man i had loved for the last 9 years could be full of energy to go shag someone else)

Thanks love. 

 

He sits and eats with me and my friend

We start talking about other things – the weather, the news – this is f**ked up.

My friends phone rings – there’s something up at home – she has to go – shes very very sorry.

So we are left alone.

He potters around the flat picking up the bits he needs.

He calls me to the front door – hes bits are ready, hes going.

I feel numb.

He turns back

 

Sorry i forgot my pillow

You cant have it

Sorry?

You cant take it

Its mine

I paid for it

Mandy its my pillow!

I don’t care

(I paid £70 for it but that’s not why i wants it. i don’t really know why, i have however drenched it in his aftershave)

I need it for my neck.

 

I don’t know why his need for the pillow sets me off but it does. i start crying, sobbing really. Hes crying then too, We both say things. He cant be unhappy so i can be happy. Things like this – we go on for about a hour.

In the end he gets up and leaves , hes late to meet her.

I lay on my bedroom floor and howl – its dramatic but true. I stop after a while, i manage to make it to the bed. I get undressed and lay on top on the duvet but on my side of the bed. I cant get in it for some reason i don’t know why. I cover myself with a blanket. I lay in the dark. I try to read, i cant. I try to sleep, i cant. I just lay and stare at the ceiling.

5 Hours later…………..

My mind is drifting

I keep thinking i can hear him.

I wish he would come back to me and tell me it was all a dream, that we loves me and wont ever leave me again.

I hear his key in the door.

I’m going mad

Only i’m not and hes here.

 

I was worried that you would do something stupid so i came back to check on you.

 

I’m broken, i sob – i wanted him and hes here and he doesn’t love me and hes not staying.

 

Oh love please stop that. Come here, let me tuck you in, why are you under that blanket, get under the duvet.

 

He tucks me in, its like i’m a child.

In the back of my mind i’m having issues relating this man to the monster that has been giving me sexual tips, comparing my performance to this girl.

He is so tender, as i lay there and cry. He gets me 2 teddies that live in the spare room. He tucks them in with me and sits on the edge of the bed. I’m sobbing now because i feel this is him letting go – there no bravado, hes so tender – hes killing me with it.  He strokes my hair. I realize i wish i could die right now, with him stroking my hair and me looking in to his eyes. If the world stopped right now i would be OK with that.

He gets up

I cant breath he is going to leave

He stands there and looks at me

 

I’m going to stay tonight OK? But i’m going to leave in the morning and i wont stay again.

 

I just nod. He gets under the duvet and hugs me.

I feel his breathing level out after a while and i feel him drift off.

A very dark part of me considers getting up and taking an overdose so i can end my life curled up with him. I can end just like this, his arm is wrapped around me i’m scared to move in case he wakes up. I never want this night to end. I don’t do the overdose thing but i don’t sleep – not a single wink – i take this night in – i remember every sigh, every stretch, every breath.

He wakes in the morning – he gets dressed, he sits on my side of the bed. He tucks me in again with the 2 teddies. He strokes my hair, he hugs me. He tells me to sleep if i can. He tells me to take care. He’ll see me when he comes back to shower and eat.

He gone.

Game over – i decided to check out.

First of all this post is incredibly difficult to write. My family know i’m writing this blog but they have no idea of my intentions this day and do not have access to read it.

Its Tuesday the 23rd of April 2013 

I am meant to be on the late shift so he gets up and will be leaving before me.

You going to go in today?

I’m going to try.

You should go in.

I know.

You want some breakfast?

I still cant keep anything down.

Oh OK.

He eats then leaves. 

I cant really explain what happens next, a lot of things happen that i’m not really even consciously aware of. Looking back i think that i knew, i think i knew everything. I must have been aware that there was no saving this on some level. Although the conversations i was having with my parents consist of me telling them we are going to work things out. I think somewhere in the darkest corners of my mind i knew this was game over for us. 

I say that because its the only thing that explains what i did next.

I didn’t go into work, i sat on my sofa and looked out of my window at the river. 

After sometime i got up, i put some socks and shoes on and put my rain coat on (the sun was very bright that day – why the rain coat i have no idea).

Large heavy trucks run on a length of road behind my home. They drive quick down the little rat run and probably pass at a rate of 2 an hour.

I take a pad and pen and i write him a note – i say i’m not strong enough for this, that i love him and that i want him to have a good life. 

I leave the house that we only moved into 8 months ago and decide i am going to throw myself under the next truck that comes down my road.

I’m not in tears, i’m not hyperventilating, i’m empty and i’m so sad and I’m done.

 I’m standing at the edge of the road and i’m waiting.

Looking back its almost like i was having an out of body experience.

As i’m waiting for my truck to race down the road my phone rings.

Its mum.

Mandy are you OK?

…..yer mum……

We are worried.

At this point i breakdown i cry and sob.

Where are you?

Out.

Walk to your doctors.

I’m not registered at one.

(You have got to love the autopilot)

Just walk into one and ask to speak to a doctor.

The next thing i remember is being called into speak to a doctor (there is a medical center near my home).

The doctor says sorry for the hour wait – they had to find my medical records at my old doctors across town she tells me.

(This women is a live saver – i still see her now)

I wont go into exactly what happens in there but she contacts someone to give me the help i needed and starts me on some things to stabilize me.

I have no idea if mum realizes she saved my life that day. If i hadn’t got that call i have no idea if i would be here now.

The doctor signs me off for a week and sends me home. She has told me i have to call my manager and explain.

I do this – She is amazing – She tells me not a single person at work will now and she will meet me  the next day and collect my sick note and check in with me.

When he finds out that i have been signed off work he gets angry, like i’m doing this to make him feel bad.

I remember that night he tells me *** is so stressed she wasn’t able to come in to work today. 

Ah the poor thing – she must be having such a rough time!!!!