I’m back!

Hi all!!!

After a odd few weeks I feel I need to give you all a quick catch up before diving into a new post on Monday.

Ambushed by his family in the work place!!,

Oh yes people, after contacting dipsticks family and asking them not to contact me anymore they appeared at my desk!! I literally could not believe my eyes! I was paralysed, there was nothing I could do. Customers where milling around and my work colleges where there. I talked to them for about 10 minutes before bursting into tears. Someone I worked with asked them to leave. I sobbed while laying on a pallet of concrete fence posts for 40 minutes. His mother says she will write to me soon, I asked her not to but she says she will anyway.

Therapy

My therapist has finally made me understand that my healing is being stunted by contact. I am in the process of cutting all ties with him – legally, financially, spiritually, mentally and physically. She has also made me understand how very wrong he was to be coming and having sex with me behind her back in the early months. I was so hoping by keeping this intimacy he would come back. He kept the hope alight at every point. Kept me hanging with every visit, every text and every call. She has also made me understand that I need to take responsibility for my healing – I need to move forward or I will rot where I am.

Dipstick

He still emails. I’ve asked him to stop. He still texts. I’ve asked him to stop. In his last email he reminded me to unpack my winter coat

“It’s getting cold Love, I don’t want you getting ill”

He is killing me with kindness, I won’t be reading anymore of his emails. I’m in the process of getting a new phone and new email. I still have love for him. Surprisingly the thought of touching him/kiss him turns my stomach. I don’t know when this change happened, I can’t remember it happening but it has. I still care about him. My feelings for him are a mass of contradictions and tangled roots.

Life

I got a modest raise at work. They said I had done so well over the last few months. Boxing buddy want to house share with me once my current situation expires in feb. I thinking about it. House shares girlfriend has turned into Glenn Close. Things at the house share are strained.

My trolls

Im not bothered anymore, I’ve overcome worst things.

Eharmony

I’ll explain all Monday. Let’s just say for now it’s been a learning curve.

WordPress buddies

Thank you for the kind words. You are the reason I have returned, I’ve missed you all. You give me strength when I need it and you know all my secrets!!!

XXXX

Advertisements

Mind = Blow

Therapy blew my mind yesterday, 10 minutes before the end of the session she said

‘What does domestic violence mean to you’

‘I suppose a quivering women with 2 black eyes scrubbing socks on a wash board’

‘Im going read you something and I want you to tell me what you think

“The actual violence was more emotional. It was very subtle, little put downs. He started controlling the money. I wouldn’t have any money to buy things for myself. If I spoke I was talking rubbish and wasn’t allowed to speak. He used the car to have power over me. He hated me having contact with my family. He said I was clumsy. He picked my clothes. He said know one would want me”

‘Well what do you think’

I couldn’t speak, tears fell, my mind wouldn’t stop spinning.

‘Read this book and we will chat more next time, remember this is all to much to deal with at once. One think at a time’

There to much to think about, I never considered DV before.

Homework this week

Read my DV book.
Study for a course my work have set up for me.
Do some overtime at work if possible.
Text sister in law back.

Boxing went amazingly. I’m going to keep going. It makes me feel like I have some power.

Buying in even if I’m not convinced.

After taking a few days to think over my new therapy session I have decided to buy into it.

My new therapist told me that my last one had told her that he couldn’t give me the support I needed. I respect that, it’s not always easy to go to a superior and admit that you need help. He told her I need more regular and longer sessions – he couldn’t do this so she’s taking over.

She called me into her office and BAM – she was a total breath of fresh air.

I’ve never been in therapy before so my last therapist is the yard stick to measure against. I don’t know which one of these is the normal way therapist go about business, but then again I suppose that therapist are all different – like regular people 🙂

The first guy I saw treated me with absolute kid gloves in the 30/45 minutes I got to see him every month. He was soft spoken and gentle and totally non confrontational. I assumed that is what therapy is always like, someone softly speaking to you with a sad smile.

New lady blew that out of the water in 10 minutes. I still feel a little shell shocked by the meeting.

Her first worlds to me went a little something like this –

‘Mandy I’ve read all (first therapists) notes, I get the gist of what’s going on. Now let me tell you, you are going to see me every week and I’m going to help you out the other side of this. It’s going to be hard Mandy, it’s not going to be particularly pleasant BUT what’s happened to you has happened to lots of other women and they have all made it. Your also holding down a full time job, this wont be easy.

Mandy this is too big of a situation to deal with all in one go. I wouldn’t normally do this but considering your situation I’m going to ask you to compartmentalise it. We are going to deal with it a little at a time together. Stop thinking about what to do at the end of the 6 months house share, stop thinking about what you feel you have lost. I’m going to give you tasks to complete each week.

You are going to have to buy into this and help yourself. Your not mad, your not so broken that you won’t heal, everything takes time’

I don’t think she owns any kid gloves 🙂

My home work this week.

Start functioning independently at the most basic level

1 – stop accepting lifts to and from work. Get myself there and back.

2 – cook my own dinner unless going out for a meal, or at a friends house. Stop relying on house share to cook.

3 – start going shopping for food and household items again (fear of seeing them in the local supermarket together gives me panic attacks).

Looking at these I can’t believe how basic these things are, but I’m buying in. I’m going them, I’ve been shopping twice (when I know they are at work) and have made my own dinner every night.

I feel like a bit of a child really but I’m putting my trust in her. Something has to change soon, I’m hoping this is it.

Dead behind the eyes!!

For anyone who has been reading my blog you will know how low I have been.

After the initial impact of finding out about the affair, being metal abused, black thursday and then the PTSD.

I’ve felt since the start of house share I’m in total free fall – oh and by the way my hair seems to be falling out. I don’t mean that in a ironic way, I mean that in a – I keep waking up with a pillow full of hair way. In a – it looks like someone’s shaved cousin IT on my bathroom floor way.

The one place I have managed to hold it together is work.

Work I know, work I’m good at.

Manager took me for a coffee today.

There had been a promotion available in a different department.

‘Mandy I don’t want you to go for the promotion, I have something else in mind’

She explained what this was, I liked the sound of it so its something I’m going to go with.

She then moved on to something else. She told me she knew I was keeping it together at work but how was I at home.

I spilled the beans about the new therapy that starts tomorrow.

Good she said. She told me she feels I need more help.

She said that she thought I looked dead behind my eyes.

I smiled at her, I told her I thought I was.

I think I have taken as much as I can now.

I told her I felt I was free falling.

I’d lost hope of ever having a life.

I felt empty.

I had nothing to go on for.

No reason to go on.

No where to go, couldn’t stay here in the long term – watch him remarry, couldn’t move home where his family live.

No roots, no future, no reason.

She told me she thought I couldn’t go on like this.

She told me she would help me all she could.

She said that I had to push on and try to find meaning.

She said to carry on with my boxing.

I want one day to feel not emotionally dead.

I want to find meaning.

I want a life.

I want a future.

But I worry.

I worry that I’m going to carry on, live with the pain everyday and get back nothing. Never meet anyone, watch him remarry, watch him have kids. No one will ever want me. I don’t want to carry on for nothing.

I forgot to research PTSD, I’m not sure of how much I’m feeling is due to that.

The pain seems to override everything, consume it in white hot flame.

I want there to be something more than the pain.

Unexpected call!

I’ve been struggling lately.

Haven’t really been able to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Seem to be going backwards.

Didn’t really see how I was going to break free of this downward spiral.

Got a call today – the NHS therapist.

He explained they all have meetings each month with their supervisors and managers. They discuss their patients to see if they are doing the right thing.

Due to ‘recent events’ (I assume they mean the PTSD) they have re-assessed my case. It’s been decided I will go to from – monthly 30 mins sessions to – weekly 60 min sessions.

Ill now be seeing my therapists supervisor – he said that she is better equipped to help me – he said she was amazing.

During my last session I told my therapist about Black Thursday, I’m worried now. The last thing I need is to be branded ‘a mental’ – as dipstick called me when he heard I was signed off sick and on meds.

I’m not going to tell work – I’ve just gone for a promotion.

I’ve felt I needed something to help me try to move on, I’m not seeming to mange it by myself. I read a lot of blogs about divorce and break ups, everyone else seems to cope so well. I just can’t seem to get past the fact he has gone – I just can’t seem to cope on my own. I can’t seem to move past the pain.

Also just a little note to NHS workers. The service you provide makes a massive difference – my therapist, my case worker, my doctor – they have all been amazing supportive people.