I’m back!

Hi all!!!

After a odd few weeks I feel I need to give you all a quick catch up before diving into a new post on Monday.

Ambushed by his family in the work place!!,

Oh yes people, after contacting dipsticks family and asking them not to contact me anymore they appeared at my desk!! I literally could not believe my eyes! I was paralysed, there was nothing I could do. Customers where milling around and my work colleges where there. I talked to them for about 10 minutes before bursting into tears. Someone I worked with asked them to leave. I sobbed while laying on a pallet of concrete fence posts for 40 minutes. His mother says she will write to me soon, I asked her not to but she says she will anyway.

Therapy

My therapist has finally made me understand that my healing is being stunted by contact. I am in the process of cutting all ties with him – legally, financially, spiritually, mentally and physically. She has also made me understand how very wrong he was to be coming and having sex with me behind her back in the early months. I was so hoping by keeping this intimacy he would come back. He kept the hope alight at every point. Kept me hanging with every visit, every text and every call. She has also made me understand that I need to take responsibility for my healing – I need to move forward or I will rot where I am.

Dipstick

He still emails. I’ve asked him to stop. He still texts. I’ve asked him to stop. In his last email he reminded me to unpack my winter coat

“It’s getting cold Love, I don’t want you getting ill”

He is killing me with kindness, I won’t be reading anymore of his emails. I’m in the process of getting a new phone and new email. I still have love for him. Surprisingly the thought of touching him/kiss him turns my stomach. I don’t know when this change happened, I can’t remember it happening but it has. I still care about him. My feelings for him are a mass of contradictions and tangled roots.

Life

I got a modest raise at work. They said I had done so well over the last few months. Boxing buddy want to house share with me once my current situation expires in feb. I thinking about it. House shares girlfriend has turned into Glenn Close. Things at the house share are strained.

My trolls

Im not bothered anymore, I’ve overcome worst things.

Eharmony

I’ll explain all Monday. Let’s just say for now it’s been a learning curve.

WordPress buddies

Thank you for the kind words. You are the reason I have returned, I’ve missed you all. You give me strength when I need it and you know all my secrets!!!

XXXX

A (wake up) call from my Dad.

my dad

 

My dad is my hero – it sounds corny i know!

I don’t have children, I’ve never really wanted them. I’ve always said i’m too selfish for children but the truth is Dipstick was always dead set against kids and i was never fussed so its not something that ever came up.

When i was born my dad stayed at home and looked after me, and mother went out to work. It went like this for the first few years of my life.

I do wonder if that has cemented the relationship i have with him. He never did this for any of my brothers or sister, my mother got all of them in the first years while dad worked. I don’t actually remember those years obviously, but i assume they must have had an impact on me.

I’ve never been close to mother until this happened. Until he left.

Before he left i called home about once a month – he hated me having contact with my family. In the end it was easier to do as i was told.

Since this has happened – 3 and a half months ago – i have called her everyday. My mother is someone that loves to be needed. She is amazing in a crisis – its her specialty. Smaller things sometimes get left at the way side with mother. Don’t get me wrong i wouldn’t change her for the world and being honest I’ve taken her for granted up until this point. Who wants a surgeon that can’t perform heart surgery but puts a plaster on a paper cut in 2 seconds flat? My mother handles a crisis like no one else i know, she rocks it!!

Having said all that – Dad. Hes one of those men that only speaks when he truly has something to say. Dads stays silent most of the time and lets mother talk.

this week I’ve been up and down like a yo-yo on acid – this you can probably tell from the posts I’ve put up.

I had a break down, and in a very Bridget Jones style i called mother while i cried in the bath.

Its that sob again – that choking, chest heaving sob.

I’m trying to say that hes left me (she knows this)

I’m trying to say that i feel disgusting and broken (i’m sure I’ve told her this 100 times since he left)

I’m trying to say i can’t do this and i want to go to sleep and not wake up (I’ve been messing around with my med’s and i can now see the impact on my mood)

I’m trying to say i hurt so much that i have seriously thought about suicide (It goes a bit further than this but, A = that’s a different post and B = she cant understand me anyway)

She obviously at a loss at this point, doing this has maxed out her crisis handling ability i’m assuming.

She ends up hanging up – I don’t blame her – there’s nothing she can say, nothing she can do.

I throw the phone down on the floor and carry on with sobbing.

My land line starts ringing and it doesn’t stop.

Whoever is calling wont leave a message and keeps calling and retrying.

I drag myself out of the bath and answer the phone.

Its my Dad, mother has brought out the big guns.

‘Mandy you need to calm down’

‘Dad he’s……..’

‘That twat has had enough of your time’ – My dad never swears, this perforates my fog a little, also i register that this is the first time dad has bad mouthed him. I’ve been very protective of anyone being mean about him.

I start crying again

‘Mandy only you can bring your self out of this now. I don’t pretend to know what your going through, i don’t know what pain your in love. But your going to lose yourself. Its been over 3 months now, you need to start pulling out of this. I was engaged to someone else once, before your mum. I didn’t work out but i didn’t mind, i met your mum after. You will meet someone right for you in the future. Your still a baby, there is so much for you to live for. I’ve watched you wilt over the last few years, you use to be so bubbly. You will meet someone who will treat you the way you deserve, he treated you like shit Mandy. You will be OK. Its going to take time but things will turn around for you. You gave him too much love, you gave him too much of yourself. You lived his live darling, you didn’t live for yourself, you lived for him. You’ve never been an adult, you’ve never made your own choices. That’s no life darling. If you don’t start to get better soon i’m going to come and get you and you’ll have no choice but to come home. You said you wanted to live your own life and that fine but your not living at the moment your existing. you need to stop contact with him, Hes a barstard and every time you talk to him it brings you down. Stop worrying about him and what he wants, what hes doing. You need to start worrying about yourself or your not going to make it’

I’m sat on the floor with the phone in my hand.

Dads stopped talking, I’m stunned.

This is with out exception the longest and most emotional speech my dad has given. There are tears in my eyes just typing this. This is my dad on his super-dad A game. Hes told me things i didn’t know, things i’d been scared to admit, things i hadn’t even thought of and some home truths. Hearing your own dad say that you’ve been ‘treated like shit’ is hard.

I’m going to remember this to my dying day.

My dad at his most caring and honest.

He’s right – I’m wallowing, I’m self pitying, I’m being negative.

My parents are hurting seeing me in pain. I feel guilty.

For the first time I’m thinking of those around me.

I have been so utterly lost.

I think i need to try and find my way back to life now if i can.

I still hurt, i still feel sad but i need to drag myself forward it i can.

I hope i can.

And just one note to anyone reading this that is a parent – WOW i couldn’t do your job. I imagine its incredibly difficult and i really don’t think i have it in me. Well done.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BBQ, sex and underwear.

The next 3 days are very very foggy.

Remembering these days is very hurtful.

He is still sleeping in our bed (each night he asks me if i want him to sleep on the sofa, i always say no) but is now openly seeing her.

My manager has let my close workmates know.

I’ve been signed off work for another 2 weeks.

Doctor has upped my meds.

The first night he gets home at 11pm – he tells me all about the BBQ *** has thrown so he can finally meet all her family. He tells me he enjoys this, her sister is pretty cool and he likes her boyfriend (I had been told her sister was bordering on death – hence all the previous contact). He does not seem to care how hearing this hurts me.

The night after he comes in at 3am. He tells me how he got a BJ in the car and how she wears sexy underwear for him. He always wanted me to wear those but felt at my size (uk 12) I was too fat. He gets straight into bed and sleeps. I silently cry myself to sleep.

The night after he comes home at 4am. He tells me how they had sex in car. I then get tips off how I can improve my sexual performance and how I can improve my BJs, how if i lost some weight someone will want me eventually. I’m stunned. I can’t breath. I can’t move. I cry. He gets mad. He calls me weak – he thinks I should pack a bag and just go straight home to my parents.

I curl up in a ball on my side of the bed.

I’ve perfected the silent cry now but he feels me shaking as I do this. He tells me if I don’t stop he’s leaving now. So I buried it again.

I lay there awake looking at his face

I wished I hated him
I wish I had never met him
I don’t want him to leave me
I feel utterly broken

You don’t want me anymore, do you?

I Last time i left off it was a Tuesday and i had some bad thoughts, seen a doctor, been signed off work and been told ‘she’ has suffering with stress.

For anyone that has read the previous posts its pretty obvious that things are over, but he had told me he was taking a week to decide what he wanted. He wanted me to know the things i would need to change IF he stayed.

I am in total and utter denial.

For the rest of that week i live in a odd fog – i don’t really remember what happened when but to be honest i don’t think anything much really did happen.

At the end of the week he comes home and tell me he think he has made he choice.

He starts to cry.

I Feel bad about this and hug him and stroke his hair while he cries.

When he has finished crying i ask what the choice is – i’m not crying (i’m having some kind of brake down at this point – its not helping that if i start crying he gets very very angry and threatens to leave = my brain comes to understand that if we don’t cry he may stay)

He says – (i oddly remember this with great clarity)

Mandy…..I……I…

You don’t want me anymore do you?

I just look at him

I feel cold.

He start to cry again and i hug him again.

When hes finished i think he looks wore out.

Shall we go to bed you look sleepy?

Yer thanks

So i lead him to bed and we lay in the dark

I never meant to hurt you

That’s it for me i’m gone. The gates open – all fear of him leaving if i cry goes out the window.

I sob and sob and sob

I’ve learnt the difference now, I’ve spoken to a few other women and men that this has happened too. The cry is almost animistic. You cry from your soul – i know, i know – that sounds sooo cheesy but its true.

You cry for more reasons than i can list.

Something in me was broken.

He starts to cry too, he hugs me.

Don’t, please don’t. Lets see how we feel tomorrow ah. i’ll think about it some more. Maybe….

He says nothing else.

Now looking back i think 2 things about this night.

1 – He is hurting when he hurts me. I’m not saying some of this tears are not guilt, cowardice, fear etc but i can see now finally breaking the news that he is going to be with her, seeing my pain – it hurt him – i don’t know how i feel about this.

2 – He is an utter git for giving me hope here, because in the last sentence of ‘lets see in the morning’ is all i immediately take from the whole night. He should have been firming but then i should have been stronger.

The morning after the night before.

I woke before sunrise, i think i only got a few hours sleep. My addled mind catches on to the fact its Sunday.

 Something i’ll soon get use to is having to search my mind first thing in the morning to work out a few vital facts. What days is it? Should i be somewhere? Do i have work? This however is the first day its happened. Considering i’m on auto pilot it hasn’t really registered yet that this does not normally happen.

Normally on a Sunday i would get up first and clean the kitchen and make breakfast while he sleeps in. Today i don’t do this, Today i wake at sunrise and sit up, i then sit for the next 4 hours and watch him sleep. I take in every contour of his face. I’m scared to breath in case i wake him, i sit so so still. 

He wakes and just looks at me – doesn’t say anything. 

Things blur here – good old autopilot kicks in and the next thing i remember is him suggesting we go for a walk. 

We do, we go to the beach, he finds me  a shell. i kiss him, i tell him i love him.

Looking back here i can tell there’s nothing in his kiss, hes gone.

He says lets go for coffee so we do.

He tells me all the things i will have to change and work on IF he stays. 

He eats something, i cant.

We go home, we sit.

My manager texts me and tells about a pub i have to go to. 

I reply with something – autopilot – thank you!!

My manger realizes from the off tone text message i have sent something is wrong – she does not reply. She already arranged a meeting regarding my offish behavior of late so she will bring it up then. 

He says we need to try to be normal for the next week – no talking about it – just get back in to routine so we can process our feeling in a healthy way.

I don’t remember the rest of this day

 

What do you mean you would move her in?!

You would really move her in here?

Well I earn more so I thought I would be keeping the flat.

I thought we where taking some time to decide what we wanted? You sound like you have already decided what you want.

No no I’m just looking at all the different things that are possible.

She could really move in here? With everything that I had picked and all of our memories. You could have another women in here?

She wouldn’t have a issue with it. She would do anything to be with me, she would give up everything.

What the room in her parent house?

…………

Night

I turn over at the point and cry and cry till I finally drift off.

The very second I realised I had been told half truths and select facts!!

Somehow I managed to make It through till that day, the trip home, dinner and going to bed.

I don’t remember any of it mind you

We lay in bed side by side

What would you do if we did split?

I can’t think about it, I want to make this work.

But you need to think about it.

Why? I don’t want to. I love you

I’m just saying. If I decide to leave then you need to know what you are going to do.

From a purely practical point of view there’s nothing we can do until August anyway, the contract on this place goes till then anyway.

………..

Well I know you couldn’t pay for this place by yourself anyway. Maybe we could try to make thing work till then.

You always said if something happened with me and someone else you would go back to your parents. You said you would just leave with your handbag.

Well life’s a bit different in practice isn’t it?

Yer – well if you want to go ill find someone else to pay the rent. You can you know if to want to – just take your bag and go. I don’t want you unhappy.

Who would you get to pay the rent,(best friend) has just signed a new contract, he couldn’t move in.

No HE couldn’t

Well then who? …… Oh ….. Right….. OK.

That is the exact moment I realised this went far deeper and had been going on a lot longer than 24 hours.

What a prize fool I had been.

How gullible, how trusting.

Never again!!!