Game over – i decided to check out.

First of all this post is incredibly difficult to write. My family know i’m writing this blog but they have no idea of my intentions this day and do not have access to read it.

Its Tuesday the 23rd of April 2013 

I am meant to be on the late shift so he gets up and will be leaving before me.

You going to go in today?

I’m going to try.

You should go in.

I know.

You want some breakfast?

I still cant keep anything down.

Oh OK.

He eats then leaves. 

I cant really explain what happens next, a lot of things happen that i’m not really even consciously aware of. Looking back i think that i knew, i think i knew everything. I must have been aware that there was no saving this on some level. Although the conversations i was having with my parents consist of me telling them we are going to work things out. I think somewhere in the darkest corners of my mind i knew this was game over for us. 

I say that because its the only thing that explains what i did next.

I didn’t go into work, i sat on my sofa and looked out of my window at the river. 

After sometime i got up, i put some socks and shoes on and put my rain coat on (the sun was very bright that day – why the rain coat i have no idea).

Large heavy trucks run on a length of road behind my home. They drive quick down the little rat run and probably pass at a rate of 2 an hour.

I take a pad and pen and i write him a note – i say i’m not strong enough for this, that i love him and that i want him to have a good life. 

I leave the house that we only moved into 8 months ago and decide i am going to throw myself under the next truck that comes down my road.

I’m not in tears, i’m not hyperventilating, i’m empty and i’m so sad and I’m done.

 I’m standing at the edge of the road and i’m waiting.

Looking back its almost like i was having an out of body experience.

As i’m waiting for my truck to race down the road my phone rings.

Its mum.

Mandy are you OK?

…..yer mum……

We are worried.

At this point i breakdown i cry and sob.

Where are you?

Out.

Walk to your doctors.

I’m not registered at one.

(You have got to love the autopilot)

Just walk into one and ask to speak to a doctor.

The next thing i remember is being called into speak to a doctor (there is a medical center near my home).

The doctor says sorry for the hour wait – they had to find my medical records at my old doctors across town she tells me.

(This women is a live saver – i still see her now)

I wont go into exactly what happens in there but she contacts someone to give me the help i needed and starts me on some things to stabilize me.

I have no idea if mum realizes she saved my life that day. If i hadn’t got that call i have no idea if i would be here now.

The doctor signs me off for a week and sends me home. She has told me i have to call my manager and explain.

I do this – She is amazing – She tells me not a single person at work will now and she will meet me  the next day and collect my sick note and check in with me.

When he finds out that i have been signed off work he gets angry, like i’m doing this to make him feel bad.

I remember that night he tells me *** is so stressed she wasn’t able to come in to work today. 

Ah the poor thing – she must be having such a rough time!!!!

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Staring at the ceiling

Every little thing in the last few months that has seemed out of character comes rushing at me.

I have no idea if hes really asleep. i don’t think he is but i’m literally paralyzed by fear.

My friend could have been mistaken but i realize i know shes not.

Something has gone badly wrong.

i cant breath.

I’m losing him.

Hes right here, buts hes gone.

I cant breath.

I want him to cuddle me and say everything is OK and he missed me tonight but he doesn’t.

I’m broken inside.

I know……

I think i have known in my heart for a while.

(unknown to me at this point my manager is arranging a meeting as i have been forgetting things, seemed distant and shes worried)

Things that have been said over the last few months fly at me, everything hurts, my heart hurts, my brain is going too quickly.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW

My brain is fighting its self, weighing the odds, looking for the logic, finding the innocent reasons behinds so many night late to pick me up from work.

Everything’s going to be OK….

Everything’s going to be OK….

Everything’s going to be OK….

Everything’s going to be OK….

i repeat it in my head hoping its true, hoping i can make it true.

its to this chanting i drift off to sleep.

Having spoken to friends since this night a lot of them ask me how i went to sleep at all that night, how i didn’t scream and cry and throw things when he got in. I have no idea but i have learnt and am learning that the lengths the brain will go to protect its self are far and complex.