I’m back!

Hi all!!!

After a odd few weeks I feel I need to give you all a quick catch up before diving into a new post on Monday.

Ambushed by his family in the work place!!,

Oh yes people, after contacting dipsticks family and asking them not to contact me anymore they appeared at my desk!! I literally could not believe my eyes! I was paralysed, there was nothing I could do. Customers where milling around and my work colleges where there. I talked to them for about 10 minutes before bursting into tears. Someone I worked with asked them to leave. I sobbed while laying on a pallet of concrete fence posts for 40 minutes. His mother says she will write to me soon, I asked her not to but she says she will anyway.

Therapy

My therapist has finally made me understand that my healing is being stunted by contact. I am in the process of cutting all ties with him – legally, financially, spiritually, mentally and physically. She has also made me understand how very wrong he was to be coming and having sex with me behind her back in the early months. I was so hoping by keeping this intimacy he would come back. He kept the hope alight at every point. Kept me hanging with every visit, every text and every call. She has also made me understand that I need to take responsibility for my healing – I need to move forward or I will rot where I am.

Dipstick

He still emails. I’ve asked him to stop. He still texts. I’ve asked him to stop. In his last email he reminded me to unpack my winter coat

“It’s getting cold Love, I don’t want you getting ill”

He is killing me with kindness, I won’t be reading anymore of his emails. I’m in the process of getting a new phone and new email. I still have love for him. Surprisingly the thought of touching him/kiss him turns my stomach. I don’t know when this change happened, I can’t remember it happening but it has. I still care about him. My feelings for him are a mass of contradictions and tangled roots.

Life

I got a modest raise at work. They said I had done so well over the last few months. Boxing buddy want to house share with me once my current situation expires in feb. I thinking about it. House shares girlfriend has turned into Glenn Close. Things at the house share are strained.

My trolls

Im not bothered anymore, I’ve overcome worst things.

Eharmony

I’ll explain all Monday. Let’s just say for now it’s been a learning curve.

WordPress buddies

Thank you for the kind words. You are the reason I have returned, I’ve missed you all. You give me strength when I need it and you know all my secrets!!!

XXXX

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Dear Dipstick

To my dear Dipstick

I’ve been to see my therapist today and its been a bit of a difficult session. After a long chat we decided that I should write you a letter. You see for the last few weeks I’ve been struggling with something new – my anger. It’s becoming a bit of a beast, it rears its head at the most unexpected of times. I’m taking things out on people that don’t deserve it, people that have been there for me when I was really low.

Therapist thinks I need you to feel my pain, I WANT you to feel my pain. You have caused me more pain than I thought it was possible to inflict on a soul. I always measured pain in broken bones and bruised skin but you caused me more pain than a thought it was possible for someone to contain.

I didn’t love you the first time I met you but It was soon after, I loved you when you where 12 and had bright blonde hair, I loved you when you where covered in puppy fat and I loved you when you pulled my hair. I loved you when you broken my locker and I loved you when you threw balls of paper at me. I loved you when you walked me to school and I loved you when you asked me to be your girlfriend. I loved you when I kissed you for the first time – my first real kiss. I thought my heart would burst when the day finally came and I was yours and you where mine.

Looking back I started changing for you early on. I was so young, far far too young for such love. My family – you didn’t like them, you looked down on them for being poor – you assumed that made them bad people. My dad is the most amazing man, so so kind, you never gave him a chance.

In the end it made it easier if I went along with what you wanted. I worshiped the ground you walked on and spent all my time trying to make you happy and please you.

I took an overdose you know?! I reached my limit, I couldn’t take anymore. I wanted it over, the pain, my hurt and this non life that I had been left with.

You took my life and you made it a bomb site.

You ruined me, you treated me like I was disposable, like I didn’t matter.

I gave you honesty,fidelity,love and my life, my soul. Why wasn’t I enough for you?

Why?

Why?

But I guess I’m never going to get an answer to that.

My therapist has explained some things to me, has me researching others.

Your unhappiness manifested itself in some really vile ways.

You should have just left me 9 months ago when you realised you had feelings for her, before the sex started you should have gone.

You should have taken more responsibility for things.

You shouldn’t have hurt me, why did you do it?

Why did you stop me seeing my family?
Why did you make me feel so so small?
Why did you treat me like I was less than human?

I hurt so much but I feel like the tide is turning, I will grow.
I will become stronger.

I don’t think I will meet anyone else.

I loved you with everything I was.

But I’m not what I was anymore.

I’m new.

I see you.
I see you for the lost little boy you are.

I see you for the petulant child that hides just beyond the surface.

I’m not in love with you anymore.

I wouldn’t take you back anymore, if you came back there would be pause.
There would be thought.

I have love for you but I’m not in love with you – remember when you told me that, well dipstick the feeling is mutual.

Out of the mouths of babes!

Little bro just came to me..

Mandy I think your a bit sad, but less sad now because I’m here. I got you this worry stone. It’s for you, it comes in a little bag. You should put your worries in it.

I’m sorry I’m a bit sad – it’s because of dipstick but I’m trying to be my sad.

Why do you call him dipstick?

Because I don’t want to hear he’s name.

I’m going to call him yuk from now on. He’s a yuk person.

I’m holding my little worry stone close. I miss what I thought I had and I’m lucky to have little bro with me.

Complication from house share!

Got a text from house mate.

He asked me if I wanted to ‘take our relationship to the next level’.

I’m utterly furious.

We had this conversation!

He’s double my age.

I now feel so self aware.

I’m torn up inside and now I have this to deal with.

I don’t feel comfy at house share now.

I’m so pissed off.

I can’t take this stress as well.