I’m back!

Hi all!!!

After a odd few weeks I feel I need to give you all a quick catch up before diving into a new post on Monday.

Ambushed by his family in the work place!!,

Oh yes people, after contacting dipsticks family and asking them not to contact me anymore they appeared at my desk!! I literally could not believe my eyes! I was paralysed, there was nothing I could do. Customers where milling around and my work colleges where there. I talked to them for about 10 minutes before bursting into tears. Someone I worked with asked them to leave. I sobbed while laying on a pallet of concrete fence posts for 40 minutes. His mother says she will write to me soon, I asked her not to but she says she will anyway.

Therapy

My therapist has finally made me understand that my healing is being stunted by contact. I am in the process of cutting all ties with him – legally, financially, spiritually, mentally and physically. She has also made me understand how very wrong he was to be coming and having sex with me behind her back in the early months. I was so hoping by keeping this intimacy he would come back. He kept the hope alight at every point. Kept me hanging with every visit, every text and every call. She has also made me understand that I need to take responsibility for my healing – I need to move forward or I will rot where I am.

Dipstick

He still emails. I’ve asked him to stop. He still texts. I’ve asked him to stop. In his last email he reminded me to unpack my winter coat

“It’s getting cold Love, I don’t want you getting ill”

He is killing me with kindness, I won’t be reading anymore of his emails. I’m in the process of getting a new phone and new email. I still have love for him. Surprisingly the thought of touching him/kiss him turns my stomach. I don’t know when this change happened, I can’t remember it happening but it has. I still care about him. My feelings for him are a mass of contradictions and tangled roots.

Life

I got a modest raise at work. They said I had done so well over the last few months. Boxing buddy want to house share with me once my current situation expires in feb. I thinking about it. House shares girlfriend has turned into Glenn Close. Things at the house share are strained.

My trolls

Im not bothered anymore, I’ve overcome worst things.

Eharmony

I’ll explain all Monday. Let’s just say for now it’s been a learning curve.

WordPress buddies

Thank you for the kind words. You are the reason I have returned, I’ve missed you all. You give me strength when I need it and you know all my secrets!!!

XXXX

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Struggling today!

Had a good day yesterday!

Today though I can’t seem to break out of this mood.

Keep going to dark places! Can’t stop thinking of them together!

Why is the human mind so cruel?

I hate this ‘new’ life I have.

It’s so small, I feel so small.

I feel alone.

I don’t see meaning, I don’t see a future!

I don’t see how I’m going to make it through this.

House share wants to meet for a coffee. He tried to make me dinner for 2 nights in a row.

I’m so wary of him now. I don’t like myself when I feel like that. He’s a good person but I feel that he’s ruined it.

Him asking me ‘to take things further’ was way out of line. I’m looking for meaning in everything he says it does.

I don’t enjoy spending time with him.

There’s a elephant In the room.

I hate this life I live now.

I’m feeling shit.

Just a bit of advice – don’t fall in love when your 12!!

Today’s a day off work so I have had lots of time on my hands.

I’ve been doing 24 hours of thinking and a tiny bit of drinking.

I had a conversation with a friend last night.

She went through a divorce 2 years ago.

She is now looking at starting a new relationship.

2 YEARS…..

Am I going to be alone for 2 years.

I don’t want to be alone for 2 years.

I feel like I have wasted so much time already.

What if I’m alone for years??

This has lead me to think about 2 things.

Love and mistakes.

I’m worried that no one will love me again.

I don’t want the same thing to happen again.

I won’t survive it again.

I’m not convinced I’ll survive this.

So what did I do wrong?

I thought about this for the last 24 hours, I haven’t slept.

I’ve been reading a blog called His Giant Mistake.

I’ve started at the beginning so I don’t know how it ends yet. There is an amazing entry called ‘dating your divorced self’.

Read it if you get the chance.

It helped me a little.

My mistakes –

I accepted too much

I should have told him I wanted more affection.

I became a little quite and sad.

Maybe even a little resentful.

I wanted him to love me as much as I loved him, I think I knew in my heart he didn’t.

He told me he didn’t believe in unconditional love.

I loved him too much.

I loved him with everything I was.

I fell in love when I was 12.

Maybe love like that is never meant to last into adulthood.

I loved him unconditionally.

I loved him so much that I lost sight of myself!!

Is that what love is? And that’s not a rhetorical question. I want to know!!

I never questioned that all of our money went on his hobbies.

I never questioned when he went out with IT for ‘photography lessons’ (that turned out to be code for fucking in car parks).

I never asked for anything for myself.

All I wanted was for him to be happy.

I gave 100% of my life to him.

I was 100% loyal and faithful to him.

I have bee an utter love blind dick.

I became boring because I became a void, something that became 100% about him.

I gave and gave and gave ad asked for nothing but unconditional love – the one thing he couldn’t give me.

I loved him wrong.

I really believe this now.

I loved him too much – if that’s possible.

I loved him like a child.

Selfless – asking for nothing.

I see it as a child running down a grassy hill.

A child runs as fast as they can.

All arms and legs flailing.

No care about getting hurt, they are nt looking for danger.

Just caught up in the giggle and fun.

Just running because its what come naturally.

An adult runs down a hill with care.

They know the pain of falling, they want to avoid it.

They look for obstacles in their way, checking they aren’t going to trip and fall.

I don’t think I will ever love like this again. I don’t think it’s right anyway, so so much pain – how can that be right?

It scares me though, what if nothing compares to the good times?

One thing I do know – I’m going to be asking for more!!

I miss him.

Some people from work persuaded me to go out for a few drinks tonight.

Meds seem to impact the effect of drink.

I only had 3 but I’m a bit drunk.

It’s Monday tomorrow

He will text me. He always texts me Monday to Friday 9 to 5. She works in a different part of the building. Sometimes I wonder if she knows how much he contacts me.

I miss him.

I hate sleeping alone.

I miss him so much that my chest aches.

I miss him so much, with every cell.

I feel overwhelmed with my sadness tonight.

I feel so sad. I miss him.

I want a hug.

Been drinking and feel sad.

Can’t stop thinking about everything he said! I’ve been drinking. I feel totally messed up. Can’t believe he is being so nice now. Feel so lost, I miss him.

I’ve moved all my stuff to the house share now.

I didn’t ask for any of this.
I miss him.
I can’t believe he has done this to me,
I’m happy he still ‘has love’ for me.
I want to still be friends with him but I’m scared I will never move on. I so sad all of the time.

I’m just so sad, I don’t want to be sad anymore!

The Memory Warehouse.

memory

I’m meant to be looking for somewhere to live but after 10 minutes of looking its pretty clear that I’m not going to find a nice place of my own for my budget.

So 2 choices – either house share or a crappy scummy flat above a shop somewhere.

Choices, choice – well I’m going to go for a walk soon and have a think but that’s not what this post is about.

While packing my stuff i found a book that Dipstick (that what i’m going to call him from now on) brought for me about 9 months ago – Just about the time he started shagging her.

It saying in it ‘love you xxx’ it made me think. did he mean this at the time he wrote this?

I sat for a while and started thinking about the book itself.

Dream-catcher by Stephen King

The memory warehouse – i always loved the idea.

I wish i could climb up into mine and remove every piece of him.

But having sat here for a while – i was 11 when we met – how much would be left?

Not a lot i imagine!!

How many of my shelves would have nothing but spiders and cob webs filling them.

I genuinely feel like he is such a large piece of my life that has now gone.

How do i get past this?

I think of him a million times a day.

I wish i could open my memory warehouse and throw a Molotov cocktail in there.

I wish i could wake up and not remember any of him!

Choice has been made – but not by me.

i have decided i need to remove all drink from my life – at least for a while. I might have ONE if i go out with friends but other than that I’m not going to drink on my own anymore. It seems to lead me to such a dark place and i don’t need any help with that.

I have spoken to my parents this morning and they have spoken to my landlady and between them they have decided what to do with me!

I feel like a child, my idea was to stay in my flat by myself and magically find a way to afford it, whilst laying on the sofa all day crying and watching NCIS. I’m being told i cant do this. On the plus side the landlady has refused his request to move in here once i’m out.

I guess this is really happening. I guess he’s really going to move in with her, i guess that they are in love.

I feel utter worthless.

When i could lay on the sofa all day whilst watching G from NCSI-LA always beating the bad guy i feel like i lose myself for a while. I forget the pain for 5 secs at a time.

I see I am acting like a child.

My stuff has to be out of here on the 16th. 6 days to clear my stuff out. My parents want me to go home. I’m not going to. I have no friends left there. In moments of clarity i feel i need to build something of my own.

I didn’t realize how much control he has over me, over my money, over me having friends, over what i wore, over what i thought, over how i acted.

I have nothing of my own.

I met him when i was 11.

When i was 12 i went home and told my dad i met my future husband.

When we where 17 /18 we started a proper relationship.

I was over the moon

I’m now 26 and i have nothing to show for the best years of my life.

How do i remove me from my mind?

From my heart?

I’m going to try to find somewhere to live today.

I’m going to try to do it by myself.

I’ve never done anything by myself.

Lost

I feel utterly lost

When he left me said he wanted to take nothing with him except his clothes.

This has now changed he’s now told me he wants

Sofa

Our bed – our fucking bed! She wants to sleep in our bed

He wants the fridge freezer

The TV, DVD, surround sound, play station,

Bedside tables

Lamps

Washing machine

Dishwasher

I don’t really care about any of it.

I just want him back

I’m so lost

I don’t understand why this is happening.

Shouldn’t be drinking!!

I’m pissed

I shouldn’t be drinking with these tablets. I only had 3.

I miss him

I hurt

I don’t understand what I did wrong

I’d trade my soul for him right now

I miss him

I don’t know how much longer I can take this pain

I hurt, every piece of me hurts.

What did I do wrong

I want him

I feel like screaming

He’s with her now

I feel like he’s taken a piece of me with him

I don’t feel whole anymore

I hurt

It hurts so much

I can’t take much more

Why doesn’t he want me

I’m still scared he will turn up with her and try to move her in

I’ve run our of drink

I could do with another

I can’t do this

I think I’m broken

Inside joke and a little revenge!!

I wasn’t too bad when I got up this morning, I felt numb really. But I did it with minimal crying. Then a friend made a joke and for some reason it just brought me all the may back down. I walked in to the break room talking to my mum and said ‘love you, bye’ my friend then said ‘Hey Mand was that *****’

I didn’t get it, he thought it was hilarious. It didn’t get it. I tried to think after where the joke was.

This guy isn’t a bad guy, his wife left him 9 months ago. Maybe this is a joke that I’ll understand in 6 months.

I suppose I’m being sensitive but they have now found a place of there own. I’m struggling when anything reminds me of him. It’s like a punch in the gut. Sometimes something will hit me and I’ll feel a physical pain.

Why do we miss people that have hurt us so much.

I worry about him, he sat and talked to me a while ago about his fears regarding leaving me.

He was worried he was making a mistake. He was worried he would look back at this moment and think that’s where his life went wrong – in my opinion his life went wrong when he put his penis in someone else but I’m probably biased on the situation.

I asked him why he was not sharing his hopes and dreams with ***. He said that she didn’t like hearing about his ‘old life’.

So I sat and chatted to him. He talked about he’s fears, I then did something mean. The first mean thing that I’ve done to him in all this. I casually told him that I thought his bald spot was getting bigger.

He is monumentally sensitive about this. He froze and looked at me – he has thought the same. He’s sure it’s because of all the stress. I imagine it is.

Ripping the heart out of the women who has loved you for 9 years then psychologically abusing her till the thought of an overdose becomes an attractive proposition must really raise the blood pressure.

I feel a little bad being mean to him. No I’m not selling his sound system or shredding his clothes but for now this is my little bit of revenge.

I still miss him. I’m a dick.